How do I get my daughter to stand up to her father like her brother or get my husband to calm down?

Question

My husband has always been obsessed with sports. He grew up in a poor neighborhood in Chicago and sports was the only thing that he had. Well I have 3 children. My oldest son stood up for himself and they constantly fought each other. They have no relationship now. My husband destroyed my middle son. My middle son is a senior in college and he stopped playing baseball, wrestling and cross country after high school because my husband just made it miserable for him. He does stuff like if they ever had a bad match/game he would say how useless they are how much they suck. He controlled what they ate so it wouldnt affect their performance. If they did bad he would also blame it on their friends and ground them on the weekends. It was horrible. My oldest son just decided to stand up to him one day. He basically told my husband to F off by walking a cross country race. My husband freaked out and was going nuts. My oldes son finally told him that he would not compete if my husband ever came to one of his matches again. So my husband stopped going but they also stopped talking to eachother. My middle son though took it and always blamed himself. I have tried to talk to my husband but he wont listen. He was always nice to our daughter until she got into high school and now he is doing the same stuff to her. She is heartbroken and tonight she told me that she was going to be a failure in life if she couldnt even win a cross country meet or score 4 goals in one game. I dont know what I should do. Did my eldest have it right? He has been the only one who continued to do sports in college and succeed in them. Please if anyone has any suggestions for my daughter let me know. Thank you for your help.

Answer 1

Well tell your daughter that I said she will not be a failure...if she thinks that way and doesnt try then she will but as of right now she is not a failure i hate it when kids say that about themselves....your husband is an a$$ sorry but he is....tell her dont listen to a word he says

Answer 2

Your job as the mother of your children is to be their protector. First and foremost YOU need to confront your husband about his behaviour. The fact that you are putting it on your children to resolve the issue is beyond me. What your children are experiencing is emotional abuse. How do you sit by and allow this to happen. It sounds like they have been dealing with this for quite some time. When do you step in and accept some responsibility? Basically you need to be the one to set the ground rules, if he can't be supportive of your children no matter what the outcome then he shouldn't be allowed to go. It is your job as a mother to provide your children with a safe and loving enviorment and to help them grow up and into successful members of society. My recommendation is that you stand up to your husband and make him support your children. Too much pressure on a child will break their spirits, as in the situation with your dauther. How can you watch her suffer? Stand up for her!

Answer 3

Your eldest son had it right.

Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself no matter the consequences.

I stand up to my dad about things, but i am not disrepectful.

Don't let your husband talk to your daughter that way.

She's human and doesn't deserve to be treated that way

Answer 4

My kids have gone through simular situations with their father.  My youngest son is 16.  He cannot stand his dad, but would do anything to gain his love & devotion that he has shown to our oldest son.

I don't have the right advice.  I divorced mine because he treated me the same way.  And I refused to show my kids that they had to take it. Sometimes tough love is the best love...  Say what you mean & mean what you say!

Answer 5

All four of you need to sit your husband down and have a heart to heart discussion. Tell your husband "ENOUGH!".  He is displaying poor sportsmanship like behavior. His efforts do NOT teach TEAMWORK, nor does it build character. If he can not control his behavior, YOU will ground him from ALL sports permanently! This includes televised sports.  Let him know that you understand he is trying to promote character, but demoralizing anyone has counter effects.  Let him know that his behavior will no longer be tolerated. It is best if your 2 sons and daughter are there.  They all need to support you in this decision.  This should have been done a long time ago.  It is never too late to hold him accountable for his actions.

Good Luck :)

Answer 6

Tell your daughter , to say this i am playing soccer or whatever if you can do better put on the skirt and play,

also tell your husband to grow up and quite reliving his youth

your daughter wont be a failure at all .

yes your oldest has his head held high.  

Answer 7

why dont you stand up to him for her?

Answer 8

wow, all i can say is that i don't think any of you are doing it "right". your husband is an obsessive control freak!

i think your oldest turned out better, so far, because he realized that if he was going to play a sport, he was going to play it because HE wanted to. and he was going to play it on HIS own terms. he stood up more for himself internally, than externally/vocally. he chose for himself to not listen to a word that your husband said. he probably realized and saw your husband for the man he was, and decided he wasn't going to accept him as is, therefore discarded him as useless in his life. which i do not blame your son one bit. in fact i applaud him for being mature enough and having enough self respect and responsibility to do what was right for him.

as for your other children, they need to decide for themselves what they want out of life, and to take control of it themselves. a person can talk all the smack they want to another, but it is that other person's choice and/or responsibility to take it or leave it. your younger children probably do not have the maturity that is needed to make that choice in their lives. and i'm rather appalled that you aren't helping them gain that. after all, these are YOUR children, and you are ultimately responsible for guiding them through life until they are ready to do it on their own.