How do I get my girlfriend to want to marry me again?

Question

I have made several mistakes in my current relationship. Let me first start by saying that I was in the US Air Force at Germany. I was discharged May of this year. I met my girlfriend March of 2007 in Germany. She is of German nationality. We became engaged in November of 2007. Since then I was discharged from the military for failure to show to work in a timely matter. I was forced to go back to the states which left she and I apart from each other for three months. She sold my car that was in Germany and sent me the money. I paid for the plane ticket and purchased the necessary paper work for us to get married in Germany. Altogether, it was over 2000 dollars. When I came back, I spent my remaining funds on food for she and I. I am still searching for jobs on the military bases because my German is not so good. Problems began when I saw that she had sent some other guys messages on her myspace saying words like "sweety" and the guy asked if she missed her. I now know that she did not cheat on me. But, at the time I was furious. I pushed her on the bed and held her down with my hand on the side of her face. I pretended like I would burn her with an iron. I cursed and then I started sobbing and she left the room. She is still with me but, things obviously not the same anymore. She is still letting me live with her. I need to get a job so that I can help her. I never want to be away from her again. I will never allow myself to get so angry and abuse her. I must talk to her about how I feel. I love this woman so much. I cook for her and clean around the house. I just try to do everything I can to help since she is the only one working. I am stressed out that I can't take care of her like I used to when I was in the military. Is there anything that I can do to make things better? I want to marry her and be the man that treats her with the utmost respect and take care of her. She is starting to talk to me more now and she gave me a kiss on the lips yesterday. Oh, and she let me massage her feet. I miss the crazy things that she and I used to do. We are both crazy fun people and I just want that back. There is no one else like her. Well, I apologize for the length of this emergency request but, I'd appreciate any honest opinions and answers you may have.

Thank you for you time and consideration.

Answer 1

no offence but if a guy held me down and threatened me withan iron i would be scared of him

i would always wonder when he will do it again

i would be watching my back and constantly worrying if i had done something to offend him.

this is why she isnt the same towards you.

it will always be in the back of her mind what you did no matter how much you opologise and there isnt anything you can do that will change it coz the damage is done.

Answer 2

Plain and simple, you blew it, dude.  Time to move on.

Answer 3

wow your a control freak. Nothing wrong with calling people,sweety and darling i do it all the time and would never cheat on my bf as i love him to pieces.

as for the iron incident, you know that was bad and make sure it doesnt happen again!

Just time, you need to have trust and respect and you took some of that away. make up for it and treat her right. dont be in so much of a rush to do things, you will soon be back on track.

Next time you feel stressed go for a walk to put things into perspective

Answer 4

holy ****, you cant keep a job cuz you cant show up to work on time and you threaten and abuse her? are you nuts? she is SO WELL SHOT OF YOU! work out your anger or go get a job, you reacted like a nutter. she is very kind and stupid to let you stay.  

Answer 5

My first question is do you have the right to work in Germany? If not finding a job will be futile as a visitor visa will not allow you to work. Second question is how fluent are you in German? Most EU countries have their own language requirements and if you cannot speak German fluently you are going to struggle with long-term immigration and finding a job. My final question do you have the right to remain in Germany or are you in the country illegally?

Having read your posting my feeling at least a part of the issue resides in the fact you have immigrated to Germany and being away from the States has affected you. Immigrating is not easy and it does put a lot of stress on you. The challenge for you is learning to manage the stress and acclimate to German living.

Since it is not clear from your posting your immigration status in Germany it is impossible for me to say that your stress will subside and your stress may get worse if you have not followed the correct route to enter Germany. If you have entered you do not have the right to work in Germany I would recommend that you get it and this does not include working on the Black Market. Second maybe taking a vacation together and getting away once you get a job might be helpful to ease some of the tension. Finally the two of you need to find a way to reconnect and how you do that is impossible to say as each couple has their own quarks about how they relate to each other.

Wish you the best and hope it works out for you.

Answer 6

Well, im not sure id want to be with you if you had done something like that to me.  How do you know that you won't do it again if she does something else that you don't like??

I think you need to do something about your anger management, maybe that will show her that you are willing to change and not do such a thing again.  I think you need to buy her flowers and say how sorry you are for doing this to her.  She seems willing to make things ok with you.

You're not going to go back to normal quickly and easily and you will need to work very hard to make her feel safe with you again.

Answer 7

ok so im young but i know alot about abusive relationships and know offense that was abusive.

its hard to say how she feels about you now, its definitely a yes that she doesnt feel the same about you, this is going to take time to heal, alot of time and you need to stop pressuring her about it. saying sorry about what you have done is not going to take away the fact that you did. she is always going to have a sort of apprehension toward you because of what you did. she is always going to be wary when you get upset. she will always have a sort of distrust in her eyes. that is something you caused and you are going to have to deal with that fact.,

I think you need to move out, talk to her about it, find a job and move out it will help her heal from what you did. instead of always having you around, hovering above her she cant think about the incedent and how she feels about it if you are always in the room. i  you are always in the ohuse, she need some breathing space and you moving out will do just the thing.

Do special things for her, i know you say that you dont have a job but you must be able to find some money somewhere? treat her to a nice boquet of flowers or something special a necklace or a teddy bear something sensual and soft.

you have to be gentle with her from now on, if you feel like your about to yell you d**n well better leave the room because she does not want to see that side of you again.

i hate to say this but she may not marry you, as it is said all the things your boyfriend does now will magnify 10times when you get married.

You really need to talk this over with her and make sure you give her some space ok? dont be so clingy, you have to trust her nad the love that she has for you or else your relationship will stop dead in tis tracks.

Good luck and God bless

try getting councoling somewhere it will also help to show her that you are making a commitment not to hurt her again... and brush up on ur german

Answer 8

well i think you acted the way you did because you love her so much BUT it was alllll wrong and im gathering you get that now. please if you get angry again in the future SEEK HELP. you may have learned your lesson this time but if you didnt...this could get bad. but for now just give your all to her. communication is key. tell her how hurt you were and btw you did over react a little but it would be something that needed to be talked about in an adult way. if you dont feel comfy with other guys talking to her like that ect then she should know. but you did it wrong...just learn from that for the next time. talk talk talk  

Answer 9

You've lost out bigtime dude.

Take a step back and read what you've written.

It's all about you.

Have you taken then time to think about what she wants?

No, that's why she doesn't want to marry you.

Sorry to be so blunt.

Answer 10

You're abusive and you have anger management issues.

She is well rid of you.

Work on your issues and make yourself worthy of someone else.

If she has any self respect she wont take you back.  

Answer 11

Time and patience thats all you can do

Answer 12

Write her a letter and be totally honest in the letter and tell her exactly how you feel.. sometimes it can be hard to try tell her all these things especially as u have so much going on in your head at the moment!

she would not still be letting u love there so she must still love you.. give it time dont try make things happen over night. she needs to learn to trust and love you again. this will not happen in the space of a few days and by the sounds of things she knows that herself..

that question was all about you. ask her how she is feeling and listen to her. if it is ment to b it will.. if not respect her decision!!

good luck  

Answer 13

I will say what you did is hard for another person not to live in fear! if you did that to me it would be over!  Sorry!  but over all this post is about you and how you feel.. what about her!

try talking to her and ask her for help.. you have frustration/stress issues that when you don't know what to do you go to the extreme!

and that can scare any girl!  a little bit of fear is okay but full extreme.. you need to take time away from her and ask her to support you on this and go get more training from the AF.. with you going through the AF you should know how to do stuff.. but i understand how frustrating things can be when it all comes down at once!

You mention you trusted her!  I hate to call you out but actions speaks louder then words here!   you trust her yet you got jealous over a post on myspace (do you see how silly that sounds) i'm sure you do it was in the heat of the moment!  but that's not an excuse! own up for your actions liek your starting todo!

and feel very lucky that she is still with you!

coping.org might be of some help to help you hash out some of your issues!  go to tools for personal growth and then explore the site!  

sadly you can never go back into the past and change things and you can't live for the past and yes that means you won't be able to go back and do the crazy things that you both use to do!

you both need to start a new path it may only be fun and less crazy but it won't be what you had once in the past! but can be much better!  if you work the plan right!

Wishing you the best!

good luck

and thanks for your service!

got a sis in the AF

Answer 14

win the lottery