How do I get my mother-in-law to stop pushing grandkids on me?

Question

My husband and I are in our 20's but have decided that we really don't like kids and would make pretty lousy parents. Plus we were both born with severe birth defects and I have a chronic illness that I have a high risk of passing on. Two of the medications I'm on have been proven to greatly increase the risks of the exact same defects my husband and I had! Medically its not a good idea for us to have kids anyway.

My mother-in-law is DESPERATE to become a grandmother, so much so that she keeps telling my husband that if I don't have kids my ovaries will stick to my uterus and I could die. I know what she says is medically impossible but all it does is upset my worrier husband.

My husbands youngest brother just started high school so I think she's realizing that she doesn't have anything to do anymore. All she's done is raise kids the past 25 years, she dropped out of high school to have my husband and has NEVER had a paying job nor has done anything else outside the home.

Answer 1

WOW! Your situation sounds a lot like mine, without the birth defects.  I am 34 my husband is 35, we have been together 10 years, married for 4 years.  My husband is the youngest of her 3 sons.  She has three grandchildren from her other two kids.  The oldest has a 21 year old son, the other brother has two girls, 17 and 13.

My mom in law has been in our face about grandchildren since we first got together.  I have ovarian cysts and a thyroid problem as well as high blood pressure (I know I am young for all that).  We went rounds with her for about 6 years, that we didn't feel that we could financially support a child and refused to become welfare parents.  That was before all of my medical problems.

The day the doctor told us that children were not really an option for us, as medicine I have to take will hurt a fetus and the chances of my conceiving with out the help of fertility treatments are zero, we were blessed with our now 2 year old black lab, who we consider to be "our baby boy".  She finally realized that we didn't need children to be happy.

I think for your situation, you both need to sit down with her and firmly explain your views and concerns of having children of your own.  If it takes it, get copies of your medical records, do some research on your medical problems, and if you need too, take her to a doctors appointment to have your doctor (s) explain the medical risks of you having children.  Unless she has total tunnel vision on the subject or she is just so selfish that keeps pushing, tell her if having a baby around is such a big deal for her, maybe SHE should adopt, or become a foster parent.

Answer 2

I'm a not trying to be a smarty pants,but I would just tell her.Decisions like that aren't anyone Else's business and they do not have a say in it.Tell her that you & hubby decided that you do not want to have children,it isnt any of anyone else business whether you do or not & you don't wanna hear about it anymore.If she continues to nag about it,tell her that you do not want to see or talk to her if she cannot respect your wishes..:) the choice to have children is you and your hubbys choice and it doesnt matter what anyone thinks of it..

Answer 3

Tell your mother-in-law that you would like more info in the "sticky ovary/uterus" situation and ask her if she could help you find a doctor who specializes in this area and/or literature. That should keep her busy for a while.

I understand and respect your reasons for not wanting kids - I didn't really like other people's kids when I was in my 20's. My husband and I have six children now and I love them all so much!!!! Keep an open mind.

Answer 4

Tell her that you are not planning to have any children and that because of your health issues your doctor has recommended that you not have children.  Then tell her that if she doesn't want to accept that you will stop having contact with her.  She can either enjoy her son without children, or lose him too. That ovaries sticking to your uterus thing has got to be one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard.

Answer 5

well never say never. the istinct may come on you when you least expect it.

however id tell her that the way thing stand now, that you have made a joint decision and if she cant respect that then tell her to *eff* off. tell her she needs a hobby as you wont let her bully you and your husband like this anymore. and tell her she is acting like a child as she cant get what she wants. and what sort of grandparent would she make when she is being a really lousy parent.

Nichola - mummy to 11mos old Sophie x*x

Answer 6

Well, unless your husband is 8 years old, he shouldn't believe the ovaries sticking to uterus theory.  If he worries about that you really have to call him on it.

Hopefully your MIL will find something to get involved in to use up all her leftover mommy energy and give you some breathing room.  Here is a really weird story from my (really weird) family that might be helpful.  My mom actually sent a baby bonnet to my brother and his wife as a gift after they'd been married a few years.  They had no plans to have kids at that time, but my mom sent it "just in case".  Thanksgiving was right after the gift arrived so, after a few cocktails perhaps, they put a wooden spoon down the neck of their raw turkey and put the bonnet over the spoon.  Then they laid the turkey on a receiving blanket (maybe my mom sent this too).  It looked like a real totally creepy turkey baby.  They took pictures of it and sent it to my mom like a birth announcement.  I think they gave the turkey baby a name.  (I'm thinking there might have been MANY cocktails involved.)  Well, my mom didn't bring up kids EVER AGAIN to them.  (Don't worry, my sister in law is something of a germaphobe so I'm sure there was a lot of bleach involved after the photo shoot.)

I guess what I'm saying is, rather than making a turkey baby, to try to not get upset and just keep your sense of humor about it.  Tease your MIL about her "baby fever", she'll get the point.  At least maybe she'll shift her attention to another one of her kids!

Answer 7

Maybe you (and your husband) could just sit with her and tell her what you just wrote here (the reasons why you don't want to have kids).  If it's clear for her, she'll have no reason to talk about it anymore. Let your husband do the talking, since it's his mother...

Good luck!

Answer 8

You need to tell her how you feel and that grandchildren are not an option for you.  My sister is 46, married  and never had children and people ask her about it all the time and she gets so mad.  

Buy her a pet instead.  good luck.