How do I get my mother to see that the choices I am making are because I LIKE them and it is MY day?

Question

My moms taste and mine tend to differ on certain things and my dress and bouquet are right now the topic of a sore subject. She doesn't like my dress, although she knows very well that I like it..And she doesn't like how the florist designed my bouquet, and because I do, she thinks that I have SETTLED for these things,..How can I convince her that I chose these things, because I wanted them. She also hates my engagement ring and it telling me what kind of ring that I should have my fiance buy...And we have chosen simple gold bands, which I know will p**s her off, but I am a simple kinda girl, wearing a fat rock on my finger would be completely out of charater for me, why can't she be happy with what I like?!?!? She is almost making it unbearable to go wedding shopping, I usally end up buying something SHE likes or suggested, as to not create an argument.. I am afraid that this wedding is turning more and more into hers, not mine. We even got the catering from where she wanted.

Answer 1

Well, it's not only YOUR day, so think about that first of all.

However, since you gave up financial independence, you just have to nod your head politely, and go with whatever...

It's just the consequence of your choice.... for you two not to pay for your own wedding.

Wish ya luck!

Answer 2

My fiancees mom is also very opinionated in our wedding decisions. Although she is contributing a large chunk of change and feels that she deserves the decisions. My fiancee and I sat down with her and stated that it was our wedding and we were going to make the decisions ourselves. She has been a ***** since then, but she doesn't ask about the details and we don't tell. It has made our lives so much easier AND we have been in fewer fights because of it.

Answer 3

The most simple route is to pay for everything yourself & limit your plan discussions with her.  If she is not paying for your wedding she doesn't get a voice in your choices.  When she comments you can simply say, "Thanks for your opinion on that mom, I'll take that into consideration."  Then do what you want.

Answer 4

I know that many people think that this is a day for the bride and groom, but I would like to point out it is a huge day for your family as well. You are your parents' daughter that they loved and raised; now that you are coming out on your own it is a celebration of the woman that you have become. I am sure they are just so ecstatic that you are getting married and that they now have wonderful new son in law.

I would try and take a step back with your mom and try and define what is really important to you and your mom first. Keep that in mind when you are planning your wedding. Secondly try and take a middle ground. Tell her what she can and can not have a say in and give her boundaries keeping in mind that this is a huge day for her as well. If you don't think it is a big day for her consider what a wedding it would be if she was not there.

Answer 5

Awe my dear.. I know how you feel!  She sounds like she's one of those that likes to run the show feels better when in control by having a specific role (mom = wedding planner).  So what you can do is give her something to be "in charge" of.  Like making sure that all the guests have r.s.v.p.ed and all that.  Sit your mom down and tell her how much you love and appreciate all of her attention, advice and opinions and that you want this to be the happiest occation of your life thus far... and want to enjoy every second of the engagement with the man of your dreams and want her to help make this the wedding of YOUR dreams.  Then, put your foot down.  This is YOUR day my dear and don't let anyone, not even your own mother, make this theirs.  (It's really hard for people to argue when you're telling them how much you love them.)  I hope this helps.

Answer 6

OMG! I have the same problem.  I went to get my wedding dress yesterday and I took my mom.  And just as I feared, she didn't like it.  I suggest doing stuff on your own, because you'll just end up feeling bad, or she'll make you feel like your setteling (like u said).  Get whatever you want and dont worry what she says cuz u know she'll only end of changing your mind.  Good luck!

Answer 7

Take someone else wedding shopping. I'm going to take my fiance's 2 aunts and my 3 closest friends plus my maid of honor. Sounds like a lot of people? Well, these people will tell me their honest opinions but will help me find a way to make everyone like something with a few compromises. So pick someone else to help.

Answer 8

Stop giving into your mother, and most likely she will stop making demands. Your wedding should be what you and your fiance want. If your mother wants to be rude and down your decisions just because your personal tastes differ, try not to let it bother you....or at least try not to show that it is bothering you.

Answer 9

You need to remember:

This is YOUR day. Not hers. If she doesn't like it, it doesn't matter. She's being selfish for some unknown reason, and you should probably just ignore it

Have a wonderful day, no matter how silly your mum's being

Answer 10

It sounds like you and your mom might just have one of those relationships where she'd rather live through you vicariously then care about what you actually like.  I have to say, though, if she is paying for this wedding in any way, she kind of has a say in how things look.  Yes, you're the bride, blah blah blah, but if you're not footing the bill yourself, I'm afraid you're at her mercy for anything she's paying for.  If, however, you are paying yourself, then it should entirely be up to you.  Just keep in mind that all of this lasts for exactly one day in your life, but your mom is your mom for life- is it worth the dress and a few flowers to ruin your relationship with your mother for good?  Look at the big picture and you'll find your answer.

Answer 11

My mom is sorta the same...she has this judgemental tone in her voice and says things like...."well, dear, I um, thought you wanted a dress that was elegant. But it is your choice. You have to wear it all day. " You know little cutting remarks in "that tone". I have been having a very hard time with my mom where dresses are concerned. I have begun to go shopping alone and then when I find a special few, take her to see them.  

I listened to her influence when we first started dress shopping and agreed upon a dress and bought it off a discontinued rack that day . I realized a few days later it was not me, not what I wanted to wear to my big glorious wedding and now I am buying another one that fits my vision and my day. One that makes me feel like a bride. ( fortunately the store gave me a store credit to spend on something else)

She hates the fluffy bridey looking dresses and steers me from them...but darn it, I want to be and look like the bride for the day. I want to please her, but have realized that I have to please myself first in these decisions. It is tough though. I just try not to tell her too much  or discuss it too much, which is sad since I want to share this with her.

I got the judgement on my linen choice, my floral choice, date choice. Even on the fact that I always change my mind durning these initial planning stages. I even get the eyebrow when she asks about how we are spending our money on things. "Well, I didn't know you had THAT type of money to pay to have the room draped." "Buying personalized wine for your guests must be expensive, shouldn't you be saving to get the wood  floor  put in your house?"

whew... it is exhausting just thinking about it.

Just try you best to realize she is from a different generation and has different priorities. For my mom, I know she never had the fantasy wedding and has had a hard time with a lot in life.

Just take a deep breath and let it go as best you can. I try to hear my mom out and let her say her peace, but then settle with what is in my heart. It is not worth the arguement.

Good luck.

Answer 12

For some reasons mother are like that. My mom is the same way. It got to the point that one day my fiancee and I were doing wedding stuff and my mom came into our convo. You simply have to tell her that its what you and your fiancee want. I know its easier said than done, but she has to see that. Have a sit down with you, mom, and the fiancee and explain to her what it is you want. Tell her you appreciate all her input, and if shes paying all that she is doing but you have the right to want what you want. Both of you are different and although her suggestions are appreciated it is ultimately up to you and the hubby. If she thinks you are old enough and responsible enough to get married she has to realize that you are old enough and responsible enough to know what you want and like for yourself. You will be happy with what you want. Tell her you just want her to relax and enjoy the wedding and not all the hassle necessarily.

Or give her the task to take care of the bridal shower, talk to your MOH to get her off of your hands for a little while.

Answer 13

my mum is like this and has already told me who may bridesmaids should be. go with what YOU want and tell her why eg, suits you etc. dont push her out though as you never know when a good idea might appear and you want her to feel invloved.

Answer 14

Tell her NO.

Honestly, you are adult enough to be married then you are adult enough to tell your mom to bugger off in a polite way.

She's most likely having trouble dealing with the fact that her little girl is grown up and is still trying to control things.  

It was tough for my mom to relinquish and deal with the fact that its my life and she can't make decisions for me anymore.

Sit down, go to lunch and tell her that she needs to stop.  When you tell her that her being overbearing is making you not even want to have a wedding that should get the point across.

I'm sure she doesn't intend to hurt you, she's just being the control freak that all moms can be!

Good luck and tell her no!

Answer 15

Take her for a nice lunch and talk to her.

Explain how this is supposed to be a really happy time for you and you really want her support and would appreciate it if she understood that your tastes are not alike and what you pick is what you actually like. Tell her that you want her opinion but the final decision will be yours and you'll buy what you like and actually follow through.

If possible, give her a small responsibility so she can feel included and get her out of your hair for the rest of the stuff. Make sure you give clear guidelines and follow up with her. If that doesn't still work then just do most of your shopping with your bridesmaids and tell her you want it to be a girly thing.

All the best.