The past 4 years have been a nightmare. I completely lost who I am and have forgotten how to enjoy life. I have probably made more enemies than friends.
Thinking about the stupid decisions I made, the ways I alienated people, and the mess I'm in right now, I cannot stop bashing myself mentally over the head with a baseball bat. I just feel guilty, guilty, guilty and very DUMB. I have KNOWN better, but I have been so depressed that I cannot exercise good judgment.
I know that I haven't been totally rejected by my family, but I've done some stupid things (even though they've done some really rotten things to me, too; I blame myself for EVERYTHING . . . I'm such a dumb@$$). I don't want to "make things like they used to be" but I want to just forget and move on and have them let me grow up.
And I've totally screwed up most of my jobs for the past 4 years. Although I know I made bad decisions, at the time that things were happening, I was so miserable and caught up in the moment that I couldn't listen to the screaming neon sign in my head that said, "STOP! You're making a mess!" (Yes, the sign WAS there, I just didn't feel like I could physically follow its advice . . . sounds strange unless you've been there). I'm such a wreck, so depressed that I cannot think straight, and now I can't stop myself from being haunted by my own stupidity.
How did you get over this if you've "been there" before? And how do I keep from making stupid mistakes and decisions in the future? I feel so miserable that I can't help myself, as nonsensical as that sounds.
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