How do I get over the hate I have for a family member?

Question

In this case it's my mother. I don't even call her mom or mother any more. She is the last thing of any definition of the word mother I have ever seen. It all started when I was younger. She would threaten to kill me by slitting my throat and let my step dad do some really mean things to me. And after my last sister was born, she got worse. From accusing me of being mean to her or just anything that didn't go right. I remember in high school she used my SS# to get credit cards in my name and utilities at her friends houses turned on( lights, water, cable, etc, etc). Then when I was in my first year of college she took my scholarship money and spent most of it on herself and any man she would currently be dating.

She has even started calling me all types of foul names because I lost over 100 pounds. She'll tell me that I'm still a fat slob and I'll never be nothing more than that. She was really pissed when I decided to move out and change my SS# so she couldn't get any more things in my name. There's a lot more but it's too much to put all in one question. But why is it that I can't seem to forgive her? To be honest, I don't think i want to forgive her.

Answer 1

Forgive your self first-- for letting her hurt you this way, for feeling so angry for so long, for hating your mother, or thinking that you do, for all the mean thoughts that you have had against her, for EVERYTHING...then you will be able to forgive her.....but like you said, do you even want to?  Pray about it!

Answer 2

forgive her and move on its not good to live with all this hatred . now just because u forgave her does not u can trust her. so keep her out of ur life until she starts acting like a mother and not a thief

Answer 3

omg i still remember when you told us about your father who shot a puppy on its head and then claimed that you're gonna be the next if you don't finish your homework (?).

awww dear

i can see that you're totally in big troubles here. no wonder it seems very hard for you to get over it. but good that you ask this, instead of "why my family is such a *****" or whatever similar, showing that you do want to get over it. from this phase it means that... you can!

since this isn't about what's around you anymore (as there's nothing more we could do about the past), then it's about what's inside you. yeah the anger, grudge...gosh.

the only way i could suggest is to REST, first things first. focus on your breath and don't force yourself to forget it. you can't. focus on your breath again, let go of your thoughts with full of patient, gentle and kindness and start to find pure consciousness towards anything nice around you (example: the spinning fan). then believe there must be a good reason behind what God has given you, just that it takes time to find...even the sun doesn't rise in a second. this is nothing but what you actually could handle. so there must be good lessons out of these. always tell yourself "compared to what others go through, i'm fortunate" ---coz it is true!.

then, what i did to get over things is...a prayer. i mean that's the only way even though it didn't seem to work at first, but that's the one that helps a lot to gain a little peace in me.  

Answer 4

She's not your mother; biologically, yes.  Any other way, no.  Trust you me I know the type.  Forgive her only when and if you can; otherwise don't do what you can't do.

Answer 5

Sounds like the same deal I have with my father, who indeed is not worthy of having the title of a father. All I can remember from my early childhood is the h**l he put me and the rest of my family through. From beating the h**l out of my mom to selling her wedding band for drug money to stealing mine and my brothers christmas presents for more drug money. He does nothing but feed off us, he doesn't work, and there's no hope in moving out because he threatens that the only way were leaving is with empty hands and on the streets. I have absolute and utter hate for that man, NEVER would I want to try and fix that relationship with him he doesn't deserve my love nor respect after all the emotional scarring he put me through.

I think some people just are beyond help, doesn't matter how much you'd like to renew your relationship with them because their not open to it and most commonly there only in on it till they suck what they need out of you then your thrown to the streets once again.

Answer 6

She's mean spirited and self-absorbed so your forgiveness is only something you can understand and value. For her its just words.. I say don't even bother

Answer 7

Don't. A person shouldn't do this to another and never ever to a child. Just because she gave birth to you does not make her a mother. Be thankful that you lost the weight, kept your sanity, and have goals ahead of you.

After awhile, the pain and hurt of having a twisted family situation begins to numb. It never goes away, but when you divorce yourself from it - it becomes easier to live with. But you have to distance yourself and stand your ground. Getting sucked back in will only make the merry-go-round of h**l start again.

Good luck to you.

Family is what you make of it, it does not have to be what you were born into.

Answer 8

How did your mother get her hands on your money - unless you gave her access?  You received a check in your name - not hers.  You need to let the government know that wasn't you using that SS# - and if that means telling the police,  then so be it.  

I think its time for setting boundaries.  Forgiveness is over-rated: get on with your life.  Put her on "ignore" until she accepts responsibility for her bad behavior.  And Baba is right, your mother must have some kind of an untreated psychiatric condition.  Without treatment, nothing will change.

Answer 9

Well the best thing to do is realize that now you don't have to deal with that. Because you moved out.

EDIT: Clicka, that is not answering the question, that is insulting the asker. You don't know how much sense she has nor do you know that she hates women.

Answer 10

The only way to deal with her is to completely cut her out of your life. She's emotionally and verbally abusing you and it won't get any better. All it will do is drag you down.

Answer 11

forgive and forget. create a distance until you are healed enough to face the past and don't feel like you are bruised even though you will always remember there used to be a wound.

you got everything under control. you are fixing it.

the past cannot be altered but if carry it on, you will just keep living in the past.  deal with the present

Answer 12

I'm so sorry you went through all this.  It is horrible.  Let's take it a step at a time.

1.  You do not have to forgive your mother if you don't want to.  She didn't behave like one.  Sometimes our friends are closer than family members are.  You can begin to get her out of your life.  It won't be easy, but it is possible.  

2.  She committed identify theft against you, which is a felony.  You are within your rights to report her to the police.  At the very least file a police report that your identify has been stolen, and contact the credit bureaus to freeze you accounts so she can no longer use your SSN to do anything else.  This is VERY serious.  Do NOT underestimate this or let it go.  You may have to talk to a lawyer to find out what the ramifications are.  If you can't afford one, research low-cost legal services in your county.  Ask a research librarian to help you if you don't know where to start looking.  

3.  Understand you're not a slob or any other name she has called you.  She has a mental illness most likely.  How are your relationships with other family members?

4.  You didn't say how old you are or if you're still living with her.  If you're 18 and in the US, you are an adult and don't have to live with her.  Do you have any other relatives you can live with?

5.  You desperately need someone to talk to, not Y!A.  Can you speak to a counselor at school who will help you sort through your (legitimate) anger to find peace of mind and a clear idea of what to do next?

Your life may be in the gutter at the moment because of her, but it doesn't mean it's ruined or that you have to honor her because she's the egg donor in your life.  (Don't think of her as Mom; think of her as the Egg Donor.)  Please seek counseling; it will help.  Good luck and God bless.

Answer 13

You know the old saying ~ you can choose your friends, but not your relatives.

It doesn't sound like a relationship with your mother is much to fight for, right now.

A complete break might let you get on with your life and make some supportive friends who will care about you as a person without having years of baggage to drag around.

Sometimes it's just better to break away and create your own life.

You can always keep in touch by letter, maybe (so you don't get into conflict on the phone) or better still ~ email.

Take yourself out of the loop and head home for christmas if you want to, or leave it for a couple of years.

There's no real need for you to be a hostage of your heritage, and no reason you should feel guilty about leaving a bad situation.

You only get one life and it's up to you to live it. If you've got choices, use them and have a good life, not an unhappy one :-)

When you feel happier, you might find forgiveness is easier. or maybe it won't be. That's not something you hav to decide right now.

Best of luck to you :-)

Answer 14

I can certainly relate, and frankly I really can't imagine forgiving her for this sort of thing.  That's not to say I'm right, just that I'm not particularly forgiving in those kinds of cases.  I really don't blame you at all for hating her.  I guess the only reason why you might consider burying the hatchet is so that you don't regret it once she passes, but frankly, I think in this case she really crossed the line, and personally, I'd never speak to her, but that's just me.

Answer 15

It's a good thing she didn't kill your dog. That would have just been devastating.  

Answer 16

i am sorry that you had to go through this. i am lucky because my parents and me get along well. we didnt always though. we went through some rough times. but its been a good relationship lately.

you did not have that fortune. and i am sorry about that. but you have to remember that you are a success. nothing your mother says can take that away from you. if you do not forgive her, this is totally understandable. you will succeed and you will do it without her.  

Answer 17

You shouldn't forgive that soul sucking harpy.  

Answer 18

How did she take your scholarship money? That's usually not the way scholarship money works.