How do I get over the pain of my 17 yr old moving to her dads house?

Question

Her breaking away from me has been going on for a while now (picking fights over nothing, threatening to move to dads because life is so horrible here) she moved out about a month ago, and now has been talking her twin into spending more time at her fathers house also so they can hang out. I have mentioned to her to spend the night here on occasion, but she has ignored the request. I am absolutely heart broken. I have been a single mom raising these kids alone since they were 2 with very little help from their father. I would force the issue and make her stay here, but at her age she could make things very difficult. I just need some help coping with this whole thing, my daughter is breaking my heart. Any suggestions?

Answer 1

This is the inevitable result of a divorce. My parents divorced when I was 8.  

Answer 2

as difficult as it is, let her go.  let her know that you are not angry at her for leaving.  sometimes kids that age only see how it can benefit them by leaving 1 parent and go to the other.  love her unconditionally and she'll be back.  maybe not forever but she will come back.

Answer 3

You just need to remember that even though it hurts now, it will not be like this forever. 17 is a difficult age for a teenage girl. I know I was fighting with my mom like crazy. I wasn't quite old enough to move out, but was too old to be living at home following a curfew, etc. Once I turned 18 and got my own place, we started getting alone great. I would meet up with her for lunch and we would talk for hours. I know that I was always a real daddy's girl and had they been divorced (which they were not) I probably would have lived with him, given the choice. It wouldn't have meant that I didn't love her, nor would it have meant that we wouldn't have been close eventually like we are now. It would have just been that living with my dad would have been easier. He was always much more flexible than she was. Also, during the late teen years, it was difficult for me and my mom because we would go between being mother and daughter (her setting curfew, etc) and being friends (gossiping about people we knew, talking about my boyfriend, etc). Now I think of us as two adult girlfriends who happen to be related rather than mother who disciplines and sets rules for her daughter. Just know that she does love you and doesn't mean to hurt you. It is a difficult time in her life (I'm sure you remember being a teenager, everything is the end of the world, etc.) Keep an eye to the future. Try not to be too overbearing now so that you can have a great relationship in the future.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 4

having a mother and daughter separate is about the most painful thing ever. I know from experience when my mother passed away when i was 13. Just make sure to keep in contact and send letters, emails, phone calls every now and then. Not too excessive, where is the father would'nt allow you to contact her any longer. While your on the road to seeking help i suggest seeing a therapist to talk to. If you don't wish to do this approach you can go to your local bookstore and pick up a self-help book on this.

Talk Therapy works alot better.

Try to keep an open mind.

Good luck  

Answer 5

I feel for you. As she gets older though she will then realize how much you have done for her when she was little.

Maybe she just wanted a change. maybe she thinks she can do a lot more at her dad's house as the rules aren't many.

Just give her some space. maybe thats what she needs. Call her so often, but dont ask her about her staying at your house etc. She will come around eventually

I really hope it all works out for you

Answer 6

Tell her you support her decision.  She's already there so it will be pretty hard on everyone to try to get her back at this age.

Once you've told her you support her decision, let her know that you would like her to come over when she's ready.  You love her and let her know some of your plans with her sister.  Maybe you guys plan to go to the mall or the theater in a few days or over the weekend and she's invited if she feels like going.

If she knows that you aren't going to fight her on it and you have already told her how you feel, you don't need to tell her again.  She knows.  That's probably why she's ignoring you.

I am so sorry.  I am having a similar problem but a little different.  I cried and cried.  I now know what I will do with my problem.  I hope you can find your solution.

Much love, take care and just try - no matter how hard it is or how much it hurts - to be understanding.

Good luck!

Answer 7

I am so sorry, no mother deserves this. Expectually since you worked so hard for them.

Your daughter will realize one day (this could be next week, this could be next year) that sh made a horrible mistake. The guilt will eat her up.

She will come around.

This is a phase

I became a lot more appreciative of what my parents do for me once I turned 17...I guess your daughter needs to mature a little more.

SHE WILL COME AROUND

please don't beat yourself up

Answer 8

it was the same with me and my mom she let me go then after a while i realized that she did things cuz she loved me and i missed her but just let her try her dads shell miss u even more

Answer 9

It was the same with me and my mom when i was younger tho like around 15 16... We got in alot of fights that happens alot with moms and teen girls. My dad also said alot of things that were not true about her to get me on his side, and my dad also was more easy on me and let me do anything I wanted and get away with whatever. But now I am 22 years old and have relized my mom was just doing what was best for for me and we are sooooo close now, and i see my dad once every 2 weeks now cuz i relized half of what he said or did was a lie. I know its hard... but she will relize it soon and come back to her. Just keep letting her know you care, only time will make her see. Shes not mature enough to notice it now.

Answer 10

Unfortunately, this happens in every home, broken, solid, or blended.  It's sometimes referred to as "lion pride syndrome".  As the young lion gets older and capable of starting his own pride, the dominat male fights with the youunger, and the winner is the new leader.. the same happens for  boys and their dads, and moms and daughters .  Usually it issn't as heated as your experience, but it hap[pens to a degree in evry home.  The young people are testing, trying to find their limits, and pushing that limit line as far as they dare.  It happen hun, and i wish i knew a way to make you feel better about it.  Just remember, it's not a matter of fault, it's a mattr of what is.  Keep th lines of communication open, cards, ophone calls, email..stay in her life even  when she is away from you.  Don't burnthe bridges, because you might findd one day she will walk back over them to you.

Answer 11

Why does she think it is so great there?  She may find that he is more strict, has harsher rules, and makes her do things she doesn't like.  Take this time to take care of yourself.  Go back to school, get a job, do something for you.  As old as your twins are, they were going to leave shortly anyway.  You aren't the only one to go through this.  I did with three kids.  Each time, I thought my heart was being ripped out of my chest.  Remember when you wanted to change your life and your mother didn't want you to?  You wanted to do it anyway, and you did.  Give your girls that same advantage without the hassle.