How do I get the guts to leave him?

Question

I`ve been married for many years to a man who has mentally, physically and verbally abuse me, but in a very smart way where he`ll do it in private, everyone else think we have the perfect marriage, I have so much anger inside, also I don`t have a job to be on my own, I`m back in college and I have some hope, but I now don1t know what to do.

Answer 1

Make sure to get a lawyer and then pack your stuff and get out. Is there a family member of friend you can stay with temporarily while you get on your feet.

On a side note, is there a way you can secretly record him being abusive? If no one sees it but you, you can use it against you in court and say you are a liar. It would be his word against yours. Any proof of abuse would be a good safety net.  

Answer 2

Leave him!!!!   Physically abuse is unacceptable and you need to get out while your still alive!!!

Answer 3

Sounds to me like you do NOT want to leave. How come women in your situation married to a nice guy do not find it difficult at all to leave ?

Answer 4

This is what happens when you rush into marriage without living on your own first.  It's seems scary for you because you never did it (big mistake).  Surround yourself with confident, independent women.  Maybe they'll feel sorry for you and give you a corner of the couch.

Answer 5

Get the h**l out of your relationship. If you believe in your heart that he would not change for the best and that you can't stand being with him, then do it. I don't know how long you have been married, but in Calif. he has to pay alimony for life, until you married again or have a live in partner and he can proof of support to you, as long as you been married for 17 years. If he has not been married to you, there is a chart that they go buy that he still has to pay you alimony for so long. Good luck with your new life.

Answer 6

It's very scary to think of leaving someone who is abusive.  But - it's even worse to stay with someone who does not treat you right.  Maybe your family or friends could help you out until you get on your feet?  

Answer 7

I've been there before.  First, your family no matter what will support you after the initial shock.  Most good "abusers" don't do it in a public way - it is always private.  That way you look like you lost your mind.

There are counseling centers for woman just like you in every county/sate.  I would start there and stay in school.  Try and keep your head above water, and if the physical kicks up a notch - pick up get in your car and leave or call 911.  Put the son of a bit** in jail and issue a restraining order.  

Remember that they are insecure and have no self control.  They belittle you to make themselves feel better.  They will never change.  

Answer 8

Who cares what other people think, you are married to him and know the truth. Get out of this marriage, continue with school and you should be fine. No one deserves to be treated badly by someone who is suppose to love you.

Answer 9

If you don't have any children together, you need to get out.  My boyfriend used to metally and verbally abuse me.  He would tell me that he was the best i could get or how no one was going to treat me better than he did and if i left him i would end up with my heart broken and blah blah blah, and like your situation, he only did it in private.  When we would go out in public it all an act.  He was all smiles and affectionate and baby this and i love you that.  To an outside we looked like we had the perfect relationship, in fact i had friends who would tell me how jealous they were of what we shared.  If he is touching you in an abusive way, you need to let someone know.  Family member, a friend- just in case something happens, there is someone who knows what the situation is going on and can explain the circumstances.

It's scary thinking about being on your own after spending so much time with one person and it will be hard at first and those feelings of anger and resentment will most likely worsen as you struggle to establish stability, but i promise when you do get back on your feet and can independently take care of yourself, it will be the greatest feeling of relief and restore your feelings of self-worth that he has been tearing down for years.

You gotta be smart about the situation as well.  You can't just decide one night to pack your things and leave if you have no job, no way to pay for school, and no where to go.  If you are thinking about leaving, even if you are just thinking, i suggest creating a back up plan.  Find an apartment that fits your budget, start applying for some day time jobs that will pay well and allow you to take classes at night.   As far as college goes, there are subsidized/unsubsidized loans that you can take out through FAFSA. Going back to school and receiving your degree is probably one of the best choices you could make.  It may be difficult getting used to working and going to school, but it'll pay off when you land a great job that pays you twice as much as what someone is making who doesn't have a degree.

Follow your instincts.

Answer 10

This is what abusers do the best.  My guess is that outside your home he is well thought of and has the appearance of everything is wonderful.  Only you and he know differently.  

How do you have the guts to leave?  You are a survivor!  You would not have stayed thing long without strength.  How do you have the guts to stay?  

Start making a plan today.  Gather all your financial info, make a budget, and put away every penny you can get your hands on.  This is dirty (I've had to do this) but ask a trusted friend that will open a savings account in their name and hide money.  Have a emergency plan with a change of clothes, basic toiletries, and a spare key hidden at all times.  With the same friend have a code word.......example:  If you are in danger, call and say "I will bring those brownies to church tomorrow".  This is a sign of help.  Sit down and write down everything you can remember of the abuse and any future abuse document, document, document.  Any witnesses that would come forward on your behalf would be helpful.

Financially, alimony is not dead.  Its tough to get, but not impossible.  Your assets will be most important here.  

Good luck!  

Answer 11

Next time he physically abuses you call the cops, to get documentation of the abuse.

Next buy a gun.

Then when he abuses you again, shoot the b@stard.

Claim self defense

Problem solved.

Answer 12

Go to a lawyer's office and start divorce proceedings now!  

Answer 13

Do you have family that you can live with?  Who cares if your marriage looks perfect from the outside.  If he is being like that to you in private for many years and you are full of anger then leave him.  You can get a part time job to help you pay for school.  It is better than staying in that relationship.

Answer 14

Its easier to stay than to leave.. BUT you have to do  this for yourself.  If he is hurting you contact the cops DONT stand for that stuff.  I know it will be tough.. but you CAN get a job and go to college.  I know of several single mothers who do it day in and day out.  It will be hard but you CAN do it.

Good Luck

Answer 15

This is a difficult situation.  Is your husband "aware" he is an abuser?  Have you ever stood up for yourself, told him to get help or given an ultimatum? You have probably already tried these things.  Do you have a family or close friend you can trust?  I would explain the situation to them and, if you do not have income right now becuase you are in school, ask if you can move in with the friend or family member until you finish school, get on your feet, and make enough money to support yourself.  It also seems like you have been though some horrific events...I think you should get professional counseling and support for yourself because you have been a victim of domestic abuse for so long. Many universities/colleges have free counseling services for their students--start there. DO NOT stay in the abusive relationship...no one deserves this. It is not your fault that he is abusive...that is his problem.  You deserve to be loved and respected.  

Answer 16

I strongly urge you to get some counseling to uncover this mystery. It is going to take a lot more than our encouragement to leave someone if your esteem is this badly damaged. A counselor can help you "get the guts" you need.

I also strongly urge you to call an attorney. You may think you can't afford it, but I assure you that you cannot afford NOT to. Try legal aid if you do not have the money.

In the meantime, do get a job of your own! That is as good a place to start as any. And if this guy EVER physically abuses you, call the cops. It is called "domestic violence," and it is against the law. Period. If nothing else, even if he gets off, you will at least have it on record that you called. This will come in handy in court.

Other than that, lean on your friends and family for help, and get the counseling. Also, I highly recommend that you check out some websites regarding abuse and learn all that you can. Get the weapons you need to leave!

Good luck!

Answer 17

Why don't you record him in secret. Get yourself a little recorder and record every time he abuses you.  Make sure he doesn't know about it.

That way when you do decide to leave him and he pretends he doesn't know why or tell everybody you're a liar, you would have plenty of proof.

Don't let him destroy you, if there's no children between you then leave while you still can.

Good luck and I think going back to college is a great idea and I hope you find whatever it is you are looking for.