How do I get through my early twenties without going crazy?

Question

I am at the point of my life where I have no idea what to do with myself. I'm terrified to commit to anything except my boyfriend and I feel like I'm always wasting time. I feel like I have to choose a career RIGHT NOW and go for it, even though I know I don't have to. I want to figure out what I'm doing with my life but am scared of being cornered into something.

The only thing I feel mostly sure about is my boyfriend of only a little over a year. I know I am too young to get married and have kids and that he isn't ready either since he's divorced from someone who he thought was "the one" So now I have to wait 3 more years before he'll propose to me (Because he was with "her" for 3 years and she pressured him to marry and then cheated on him after 6 months of marriage. Because his mother is divorced 2 or 3 times. Because everyone in his platoon in the army was divorced. And because he always said, "4 years" to himself. And because he wants to make sure I can stick it out with him unlike his first wife.) I'm ok with that. But I feel so impatient. I don't understand why it seems like it would be so nice and simple to be married and have kids, but a nightmare to have to pick something else to do.

I've worked as a bookkeeper and as a receptionist since I was 18 and I'm 21 now. I didn't enjoy those jobs. We just moved and I have the rest of the summer off. My partner is incredibly patient and supportive and sometimes that just makes it harder. I have too many choices now! I don't have to work if I do something else (like go to school). I can pretty much do anything as long as I do something. But I'm idle. I didn't do well in college because every class I started I would do really well in and then just "disappear" towards the end when it got tough, even the last 2 weeks during finals when everything else was good! Or if I missed one day or one project I just gave up and wouldn't even drop the class. I'm a flake. So I considered the Army to fix myself and saw a recuiter but have been sitting on that as well. I'm so afraid they'll reject me. I am looking at different local jobs and nothing looks appealing.

I hate myself for sitting around doing nothing and being scared to "get out there". I have no discipline to stick with anything and if I do I flake out and just quit it.

How do I figure out what to do with myself? Is this just early twenties jitters? Or am I just lazy?

I am sick of being idle but I'm terrified of initiating things. I've wanted to join the army, be a singer, go back to school (I chicken-out after registering), be an animation artist, or just get a regular job to travel during the last two months. Even moving was my choice. I have never lived in a house more than two years, ever.

Is my desire to be a wife and mother just a mask of my other problems? Or is that really the one thing I need and want? It seems like I should know that answer but everytime I'm certain about something I change my mind. I just see my boyfriend agreeing to it and then me deciding I'm not ready. How can I stick to anything?

Answer 1

I think what you're going through is normal. I've gone through several career changes, and am currently trying college for a second time. You're just trying to figure what to like everyone else. Just make sure it's the right time for you to have kids if that's what you really want.

Answer 2

it sounds like you actually have a problem with your boyfriend and are actually hiding it. id think hard about your relationship.

and i suggest your go back to school. even if its just a community collge for an asciates degree. traveling is a great way to 'find yourself' and put things into persepective. the problem is how to afford it. when i was 19 i left the country for 6 months to study abroad and i grew more as a person in that time than i did in my entire life. i also met many people who are now very important to me.

my mum is always pushing me towards a career. i am a very laid back person and have no interest in choosing a career right now. i am finishing college and am slowly finding what i like to do- in my own time. dont let anyone push you into anything or do anything you dont want to.

find someone to talk to. maybe a phsyciatrist? they are very helpful. dont let the connotation turn you off. they will help you with your 'fear of starting things' as you said.

whenever i am scared to do something i think- how could this hurt me?most of the time i cant. try doing that, ex. how can starting school hurt me?- it cant!

good luck. i hope everything works out for you.

Answer 3

Knowing what to do with your life is as simple as looking at what is important to you.  When I went to college, I chose engineering as a major because I was good at math, but I hated engineering.  So I became a teacher instead, and I love it.  I love helping people.  Helping people is important to me.  So I am happy.

My brother runs an animal shelter.  He loves animals.  Animals are important to him, so he works hard at what he does.  It isnt easy, but he gives it all he has.

Figure out what is important to you, and go for it with all you have.  If you don't do it now, you never will.

Goosey

Answer 4

Firstly, don't get married OR have kids right now. You seem really unfulfilled and until you figure out the thing that will truly make your heart sing, STOP!!! You're in a position that I was in myself. I  had my little boy who is now 13 and although I love him with all my heart, I have often regretted not pursuing a career like ALL my friends have. All of my girlfriends have advanced degrees but school never seemed to be for me. I have always been a good student but completely disinterested.

I would suggest the Air Force as opposed to the Army. Trust me on this. It will teach you discipline and you will get a change of scenery which it sounds like you definitely need right now. If after your tour, you decide that you want to go to school, you can for almost free!!!

Your twenties are hard though. I only barely survived mine. I had several bad relationships, and dealt with several bouts of depression during that decade! I am so glad that's over!! I really don't think I could handle that again.

On the other hand, I did have my son in my twenties, bought my house at 23 and finally began to feel like a woman.

Now I am about to turn 40! I have started a new career as a makeup artist that I am now mature enough to handle. I have a son who is more independent and I have a fiance who absolutely adores me. It really does get better. Trust me. Hang in there!!!

Answer 5

Woah, pretty verbose question and you're not gonna like my answer.

Here's the thing:  you're completely normal for feeling this way.  A lot of people do.  It's just hard to commit to anything when you're young and you don't feel like you've experienced things.  I'm 26 and I've just learned this lesson.  So here's what I suggest to you.  Don't expect it to be easy.

I think you need to stand on your own two feet.  I think you're using your boyfriend as a crutch and you fantasize about being a wife and mother because you're scared to do anything else by yourself.  And that's just what it is:  a fantasy.  It won't be perfect.  I think you need to be happy WITH yourself BY yourself before you can be happy with someone else.

I suggest you tell your boyfriend you need some time alone.  During this time, I think you should get a low-stress temporary job ot go to school.  Take some classes you think you might be interested in.  Find out what YOU like.  Develop hobbies and interests.  Write in a journal.  Write poetry.  Read.  Hike.  Bike.  Do Yoga.  Meditate.  Talk to everyone.  Hear everyone's story.  Take advice.  Paint.  Sculpt.  Take a crafts class.  Travel.  Find out what makes you tick.  Find yourself.  You'll be happier for it.  

Judging by your writing, you seem intelligent.  Maybe you should give school a try after you "find yourself."  I think you'd be good at it; I just think you're sabotaging yourself academically because you're scared of being cornered into a degree you don't want.  

I also think you should seek counseling.  There's only so much we random people on Yahoo Answers can suggest.  It sounds like you might have some deep seated issues that maybe a counselor could address.  

Answer 6

I read everything you posted her and some of it twice. Many young people have and just cannot make up there minds to find themselves and choose careers and begin there lives somewhere. Maybe you feel you haven't lived the young life yet or as some call> the party life ?  Even if you didn't mention anything about partying.You began working at age 18, so, that hasn't been that long ago. Do you ever think of opening your own business  and hiring employees ? what type of work does your boyfriend do,, do you enjoy that ?Maybe you could find and attend a job fair and see what kinds of jobs are out there and the incentives they offer.Just know this... the Armed Forces is a great opportunityy for young people, but very demanding. It does offer experiences of a lifetime and great benefits.Good luck girl..

Answer 7

lords of light ! keep the story to a minimum next time

you need to travel and see the world befor you commit to anything, even the bf.  when you get back you'll know what you want.  Me ! lol

but really , travel and meet people

Answer 8

hey, i wish I had this advice. Its your life, if your afraid you have a right to be,. Dont wait for tomorrow , make your today. The band Soundgarden, end of "superunknown" Get yourself alone, get yourself afraid, get yourself contained, get yourself control,. CONTROL". Believe me, you can do so much, but relationships are a major distraction and obstical, and they are not on your side for improving yourself out of fear of loosing you. So stand your ground and demand to live your life. Take CONTROL

Answer 9

It seems to me you are way more concerned about your relationship than about your long term career goal, you are relying on this person, who has already had a failed marriage, to have a succesful marriage with you on HIS terms, not yours. You should not have to wait for anyone to work trough his indecision to be able to progress in your life. Your independence should be your top priority .  Get a degree that is multifaceted, such as a business degree, to start earning. Dont travel, total waste of time and money, and you you gain is a couple of stories for the bar.  spend that time going back to school and exposing yourself to new people. If you feel apprehensive about going back to school, take a single elective course at a community college so you can get back in the flow. do not isolate yourself from other people and experiences.

Answer 10

Wow, girl, we could be best friends in another life. I can't offer a lot of wisdom, because I'm going through something pretty similar... I'm working towards finishing college and starting a career, but there's a big part of me who just wants to marry my boyfriend and have a family. I am baffled as to why I am so gung-ho on this outcome; and your letter, suggesting that maybe it has to do with my own indecision regarding what else to do with myself- certainly rings true. I agree that we live in a society that wants you to commit to a career really early on. Its scary, what if I don't  like it? Its scarier, to me, than marriage, which I think will be fine because at least I know I love my boyfriend with all my heart.

My strategy at this point is be patient, try to experience different things (esp in a job capacity) and try to decide what my career should be. Patience is really really difficult. Also our society keep telling us that you must LOVE what you do for your job, which I think is asking a little much, and makes it hard to decide.

Maybe try to figure out what kinds of working conditions you'd like, then look into jobs that provide the environment you want. Probably a more solid way to be satisfied than to hold out for a job you just adore (like that's ever going to happen).

I'm 20 by the way, so definitely not a source of experience yet.