How do I get through to my daughter to make her understand once you are married, you are on your own?

Question

She married a bum (he will not work) & she got pregnant on purpose b/c she feels like no man would ever love her (her dad told her she was too fat & men didn't like fat women). So now she is married, pregnant, unemployed & so is he - he gets SSI. I have given her money time & time again but I can't do this anymore - the more I help, the more they want. How do I get through to her that they have to work?

Answer 1

It is a simple case of you love her but do not like her.

I can tell this is bothering you.

You deserve better.

I think you have to cut them off cold turkey. It will be hard but I know you are a good parent. It is for their own good and yours.

You have to think of your son and the message to him.

Just be honest about your feelings...

"It is just not working out. I can't afford to support us both.." Then when she has the audacity to complain about all you have..explain "I worked for it..and the American Dream. If you want something, you can work for it too".

You can do it.

You got to for her own good.

Answer 2

stop helping your daughter.  if they want their grass cut, they can do it themselves.  if they need money, tell them there is probably a job opening somewhere in the city, and to go apply.

you are going to have to get tough.

people can't get on SSI unless they have an on-going physical disability. Social security looks at the injury or illness and determines whether it is going to inhibit a person's ability to work for a certain period of time.  When they are approved (and it's not easy to get approved), the social security division reviews clients every couple years.  So, if the guy has recovered, his doctor will know.  He has to have a doctor's examination to be re-instated for social security....

Hon, it doesn't matter how we are raised. We are all individuals and each of us is different.  Your daughter's lifestyle has no bearing on the way she was raised.  I'm sure you did a good job with her... i can tell you that my younger son and his wife life in a mess..... their house is so bad that social services took their kids for 24 hours until they cleaned it up.... my son was raised in a spotless home.  There are some things we will never understand, i guess.

I do believe it's ok to help our kids out with things when they are actually trying to get by.  But when they start begging constantly, it's time to put things to a halt.

Take care of YOU.  I know you love your daughter and worry, but there comes a time when we have to expect our kids to stand on their own, two feet.  

Answer 3

You need to have a family meeting and lay out how it is going to be from now on. You want them to get that all the help was from a total loving position but you have been drained of the money available to them. Support them in their making a plan, etc. Also her Father needs to clean up what he told her and to let her know that he knows she is really trying to make her life work, even though it seems to not be. Dad needs to get real.  

Answer 4

Big mistake.... never give them money...The two of them will begin to drain you now, and you will have no IRA or savings..  It will go on until you die... first diapers, then clothes, then braces, then food, then psychological care... yeadaydaydayday.

Hon, my mama told me, "When you get married, you paddle your own canoe."  And she meant it.  I never asked my parents for money... that was already understood.

In your place you would be best to forget the entire mess.... offer no advise, ask no questions, keep any conversations with none of your involvement, "Oh, the weather is fine here...."  yadaydyadya.

Sweetie, I have two girl friends whose daughters  married guys like that, and both these girls got preggers, and these mothers are having fits... and it is changing nothing.  A third girl friend of mine has a daughter doing the same thing, but she asks nothing, supplies no money and never visits... they talk on the phone.  And this last girl friend is happier... she has simply put a line thru her daughter's name... "She made her bed, she now sleeps in it."  is her comment. There is no tension between the two of them... The daughter has a kid, grandma is uninvolved... it is tthe daughters  and her husband's  problem.

You would be absolutely nuts to lend any more money... Nuts.  Not in today's world....this is the stuff Dr. Phil is made of...... I promise

(And no, don't send your son to cut the grass... you are what is called "an enabler"   You are allowing this to occur by providing money and services.  Remove those, and they will figure out a way to cut the grass, buy food  and support themselves.  It make take a few years, but you are doing them no favors by being a safety net, I promise.)

Answer 5

Shut the faucet off. As long as they know you are going to give in and give them money she will continue to ask for it. You have helped them and you need to tell them that it is time to help themselves. I would not send her brother over to cut the grass either. If they choose to live like that then let them. Let her get mad, she is the one that is wrong.  

Answer 6

Cut the cord. Either she will get with the program or she wont. HE obviously wont. How old are they?

Answer 7

There's no way your going to "get it through her head", You need to say no when they ask you for money!  Its called "Tough Love". It will be one of the HARDEST things you will ever do, but by helping them whenever they need it, you are enabling them to rely on you.  Stop having your son go over there and cut the grass!  Your daughter will get sick of him, and the laziness!  Try to distance yourself a bit also, because that will help you to not 'enable' them to rely on you for money or whatever... just remember  you gotta play the 'Tough Love' card.... Good Luck!  

Answer 8

Dont ditch her shes your daughter no matter who shes with she came from you !!! Never leave her side ....instead of offering her money offer her advice and time and support ....plan days to spend time with her and help her raise her kid!!! mabey than her self esteem with boast and she will realize this man isnt worthy of her time our yours!! Or help her find a convenient job while you help take care of her kid some days!!! she needs you , your relationship later on in life depends on it!!!

Answer 9

tell her that the help stops until she starts helping herself.

Answer 10

You are doing the right thing not giving any more money. It's called making them dependent upon you.  A lot of parents think they are doing the right thing by supporting their children until they are almost as old as themselves, LOL.  But all this does is create dependency issues which you already know has happened.  Their demands will never end unless you make it clear no more money (or freebee groceries, clothing, furniture, etc) is coming.

You will just have to stand your ground for a while until they get the picture.  She might throw a big fit, get angry, be threatening even...just stand your ground and eventually, over time, she will get your picture.

You need to back out of her relationship.  Let her handle her own mess.  I think you may be one of those people who just can't do the tough love act.  It;s the only way to make her independent.

Answer 11

If you let her father talk to her like that all the time no wonder she has such low self esteem.  If her husband is on SSI then he probably has reasons, and maybe they aren't the reasons you think.  She could work but since she's pregnant she does have a little excuse.  They would probably be ashamed to tell you the truth as many disabled people are about their situations.  Your daughter sounds depressed beyond belief and no wonder.  you just need to tell her that you can't afford to care for them and advise them to go to food pantries and for her to seek public assistance until after the pregnancy.  Maybe even tell her she needs counseling.  When she gets tired of it she will learn to work and move on.  Maybe then she'll leave you and your husband alone.    

Answer 12

I lay the facts down with her  and ler her know your not ther to take care of him, and if he was any man at all he be taking care of her, also id  leave him.

Answer 13

then you tell her that she's a grown and married woman and she needs to do what she has to to make ends meet.  Help her find what public services she qualifies for, help her find a job, help her find a lawyer if she is ready for divorce.

there are any number of ways for you to help her and not give her money.

It won't be easy, she may throw a fit but remember--it's just a temper tantrum even though she's not 4 any more.