How do I get through to my husband?

Question

I love him, he makes me laugh, we talk have great conversation, good s*x but we never do anything that doesn't involve his 4yr old son ( we have him full-time, mother abandoned him ) or his mother. I would like to have some time alone with him. I can't just be content with raising his child and caderering to his mother. I need time for me and him alone. His mother is very over-baring and family-oriented. Help please!

Answer 1

Your child is getting to the age of kindergarten and pre-school. I would leave your husband alone, then after the child starts school you will have time alone with your husband. A few years won't matter. but if you want to go out alone talk to your husband about a babysitter for a few hours.  

Answer 2

Sheri, you sound like you never got that Barbie and Jim set when you were coming up in the ranks.

You sound like your Easy Bake Oven never cooked because Daddy used a 40 watt bulb just to tease you.

You sound like the child that just picked at her food on the plate knowing she would get in trouble if she didn't eat it all.

You sound like a girl that wants her cake and eat it too.

This is my advice, try not to do the things we think and do not say.

Answer 3

Was this the situation when you got married? If so then suck it up. You got yourself into it. If this is something new that you didn't sign on for then I would have a conversation with your spouse about it and let him know how you feel. Nothing wrong with having a family oriented mother. You see her as overbaring because she is not your mother. Dont let her bother you so much. Accept the situaiton or leave.  

Answer 4

In your next conversation.

Ask him point blank why you two can never have time to yourselves.  Sounds to me there is more below the surface than he wants to tell you.  

Answer 5

Have you tried telling him how you feel? Maybe the "in laws" can take him for the night,maybe grandma and grandpa want to spoile him for the day? Suggest to your husband that you'd like to have a romantic night for just the two of you, light some candles with a romantic dinner or something? Sorry i cant be a better help! Maybe you could even get a babysitter and you and your husband could go out together! Good luck!

Answer 6

Sheri, if you haven't sat your husband down and shared your needs to for some alone time with just him, then it's time to do so.  

You said you have great conversation, which tells me that you guys have time to talk.  Use that time to suggest a night out just the two of you.  If his mother is as involved as you imply, his mother should be a good person to babysit his son while you two go out and reconnect.

You have to be as blunt as possible.  Take it from me.  Guys don't pick up on subtle hints as well as women think we do.  Be straight and to the point - "Honey, I love you and I love the father you are to your son, but I also love spending time with you.  Will you please take me out this Friday night to dinner, a movie, possibly a drink and dancing?  I just want to spend some time with you the way we used to when we were dating.  I miss those times."  

In the event that he becomes defensive, reassure him that you're not trying to come between him and the time he has with his son, but just want to have your own time with him.  Hopefully he'll be open minded and see that it's important to you.

Answer 7

Two very different problems. When you married a man with a child, or even if the child came to you later, it's one of those things that happens in marriages. You do, though, get to do what any mother needs and every marriage needs, some time together without the child. It won't be a LOT of time, because the child is four. Your child problem is no different from a birth mother's problem.

His mother is something else. If she's intruding in YOUR family and it's doing harm to YOUR family, you husband, who is YOUR family has to help set the limits with his mother. If he won't, you have a whole lot bigger problem that the normal one of getting weary of constant care of a small child. The child will grow and become more independent over time. His mother won't. If a serious talk with him doesn't produce action, you get some counseling guidance.  

Answer 8

I agree with you.  You and your husband need to make quality time for just yourselves.  I don't know if you are a stay at home "mom" but if you are your husband needs to recognize that you are with the youngster all day.  Part of your frustration may be that you want some relief time away from the youngster.

Regardless,it needs to be agreed that in a marriage the mate comes before the children and certainly before your husband's mother.  Your husband needs to be on the same page in that regard.

Try planning a weekend or an overnighter together just for the 2 of you.  Tell him you have a wonderful surprise for him.  Make all the arrangements.  Make arrangements for the youngster to stay with grandma or another family member.

  

If your husband tries to say it is not possible, just tell him that all the arrangements have already been made and no is not an option.  Tell him that it will mean so much to you to be able to do this.

Just because a couple is married doesn't mean the "dating" has to stop.  Little 4 year olds as adorable as they are can monopolize all of a parent's time but it need not be that way.

Both you and your husband need quality one on one time so your emotional tanks can be filled.

A concern I have is your phrase "...raising his child..."

As long as you continue seeing the youngster as "his" child you will perceive the youngster as competition for your husband's time and you will eventually begin to resent the little one.  That is not fair to the youngster.  I'm sure you have poured a lot of your energy and time into helping to raise the youngster but try not to see it as raising someone else's child.

As far as your husband's loyalty to his mother goes make it clear that while it's important to make time for relatives, husbands and wives come first in a healthy relationship.  Good luck,

Addendum:

After reading your additional details comments it is understandable why you are frustrated and hurt with the family situation.  I do not agree with one poster's comment that you "have to suck it up".  But you do not have to feel sorry for the mother.

It is sad that she lost her husband and I understand that you feel sorry for her.    4 years is a long time to grieve.  But she needs to recognize that you and your husband have your own lives as well.  The crutch needs to be taken away and she needs to start walking on her own again.

It sounds like you're letting your sympathetic nature get in the way of being more assertive.

You are at a bit of a disadvantage here.  Like you say, this is "his" child and his mother.  But that does not mean that you surrendered your rights  as a wife when you got married.

Some mothers in-law will continue to meddle and run the show if they are allowed to.  The phrase, " mother in-law from he** wasn't just a figment of someone's imagination.

You have just as much say in the direction your marriage and your "adopted" family goes as your husband.  If you remain too quiet then it is not going to change.

Answer 9

There's nothing wrong with how you're feeling sweetie.  It's easy to feel overwhelmed and to just need some special attention.  You need to sit down with your husband and have a serious talk.  This is what I'd say "sweetie, I love ____ (insert son's name) and your mom.  But you need to understand that there are times when I just want you to be my husband....when I need your undivided attention and quality time with you to just feel like your wife.  It's important to the health of our marriage that we set time once a week aside just for the 2 of us.  There's no reason your mom couldn't babysit so we could have a special date night once a week.  I don't want us to be the kind of couple that looks up in 2 years and doesn't even know each other anymore because we haven't given each other time but given time to everyone else.  Is that something we can try to do from now on?"

Hopefully he'll be receptive and you guys can start doing a date night once a week.  I think it might also help you feel happier if you look at his son as your son as well.  If you constantly feel like "I'm raising someone else's kid" then you may start to resent your husband.  

Answer 10

Going to the movies or some event....is that what you mean by time?  I take it when you got into the relationship that you knew about his son so they are a package, even if you didn't have custody until later.   Try talking about it to him, tell him you'd like some time for the two of you.   You need a date night and ask mom to babysit, she'd probably love it.  

Also you are lucky that he is a father who cares so much for his son, and I think you'll understand more should the two of you have kids.  The most important thing to remember with men is that they don't like to be told what to do, as if you were there mother.  Suggest it, and plan it out with him.

Answer 11

Talk to him about this. You don't state in your question that you have. So I assume you haven't.

Let him know you just want to strengthen the identity you three have. Maybe make it a trip or suggest activities that strengthen this bond.

Let him know this is important because you want this bond. Try to avoid discussing his mom when doing this. The more you can affirm this isn't pushing his mother away versus strengthening your relationship as wife, husband, child.

However, if the mother is being controlling then you need to talk with your husband and get him involved with the solution. Maybe counseling is a good choice.

Answer 12

Sounds like you have an awesome husband for enjoying his little boy so much.  In a few years his son will be wanting to spend time with his buddies sleeping over, riding bikes, etc. Until then you should be proud of the fact that he is so into him.  You married a man with a child and that is a rough way to start out but you do have to be content raising his child if you want this to work.  As for the mother-in-law, that's different

Maybe your man would agree to doing something with you exclusively once a month.  If your mother-in-law is family oriented maybe she would love to have her grandson once a month.  

I wouldn't bring another baby into this picture until you can feel content. Good luck and take care,

Answer 13

Hi Sheri..just tell him what you would enjoy. If his mother says something that is negatively affecting your life, talk it over with him. I wouldn't bring up issues that have little affect, just the biggies! Being family oriented is good as long as it is in balance. He should put you and his child first in his life. Just be open with your concerns with him. Try not to over-react since these can be very emotional issues. Good luck! It's a common problem with families.