How do I go about this best?

Question

Almost ten years ago, I put my son up for adoption. It was an open adoption, but after a few visits, it was too hard for me to keep in contact. He and his new family have always been in my thoughts, and recently I sent word to them through the adoption agency we went through. His mom sent me her contact info, but I don't know how to start the email I want to send to her, letting her know how sorry I am, about the changes in my life, and that I am now expecting another child. Any helpful suggestions? I'm sure that they all have so many questions, and I want to establish contact with them to answer any that they have, and to let him know his new biological sibling, but have no clue how to start. Thank you!

Answer 1

I'm sorry that you're going through this.  The important thing is that you are trying to re-establish communication.  Life can be hard sometimes, and I'm sure the adoptive family will understand if you explain what you were feeling.

I can't say I've been in the exact same place as your son's parents....  on the other hand, I have a son who's father totally abandoned him, and he has a sister who's mother completely abandoned her (her father has more contact with her than he does with my son, but hasn't seen her in over a year either).  

I can honestly say that while I wouldn't want either kid to go LIVE with parents who had previously walked away from them...  I would very much like to see doors, communication, etc re-openned for them at some point in the future.  While the adoptive parents are his "real" parents in the essential ways, there are questions that only you can answer for him.  Also, the introduction of a sibling is an important fact.  Whatever reasons there are that surrounded the adoption, it is right for siblings to get to know one another.  

Simply start out by explaining what has happened in your life in the last few years, and the reasons you feel you're ready to begin contact again.  Be understanding if the adoptive parents and/or son want to take it slow.  You may know your heart and life has changed, but it might take some time for them to feel secure in that.  Be assured they are only trying to do what is right for your/their son.  The fact that she sent her contact info at all shows that they are understanding and willing to try again.  Be open, and honest, and patient.  They may want you to "jump through a few hoops" at first, just to make sure you're sincere - maybe like keeping up e-mail communication with the adoptive mom for a few months before being allowed to call the child directly or scheduled phone calls for a while before meeting in person.  Please realize that if they do request something of this nature, it isn't because they want to deter you, but rather to make sure you're sincere before they put a child's heart and emotions on the line.  

I think you're doing the right thing.  Congratulations on the new baby!  Just a random thought I had but...  maybe you could let your son pick out the new baby's middle name (or a second middle name) if the adoptive parents are ok with it.  That would give the kids a physical connection to eachtoher even if though they're seperated by age, families, and distance.

Answer 2

Write from the heart - leave it a day - read over it - edit - add - and so on until you're happy with it.

You don't have to put everything in it - just see it as a way of building on a revitalized relationship - take it slow and easy.

Honesty is the best way to go.

I think it's a huge step that the adoptive parents have given you their contact details. This is a great move forward.

I'm sure open adoption must be very very hard - but I'm also sure that it's so much better for your child - especially now that you have another on the way.

My parents married 6 months after my birth - and went on to have 3 more kids.

It was a very closed adoption - and I knew nothing of them until I was 36.

That's 36 years of separation - not being able to know one another - it can never be retrieved.

Do get in touch with other relinquishing mothers.

A good site is -

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org/

They have nightly chat.

Also - as given to you above - Origins is also a great site.

If you wish to bounce of drafts of letters to anyone - feel free to email me through my profile.

Just start scribbling down points that you want to share on paper - just to get you started.

Hopefully things will flow from there.

I wish you all the very best.

Answer 3

Awwww Spanky, send the letter.

As an adoptive mom, i would say just send the letter.  Just be honest and tell your feelings.  If the a-mom is sending her contact info, she WANTS to hear from you.  Trust me.  I can't imagine any a-mom not respecting first moms.  If you don't hear back for some reason, at least your child will know(eventually) that you did try to contact them.  Please send pictures!  They are priceless.

I will hope and pray that You and Spanky get the understanding and respect you deserve from your adoptive families.  Wishing you all the best!

Answer 4

If you are addressing the parents of the child I would just be open about it. People can be very understanding. Because they gave you their information they seem like pretty understanding people. Just be honest and open up to them on how you felt at the time and why you thought it was best and tell them what's been going on since you last talked to them. I would address the parents before you address the child. Try and get information about him before you try and talk to him. Kids can be very forgiving but they can also hold grudges. Don't expect a lot from him. He's going to have mixed feelins about the situation. If he was told continually about being adoption it's going to be easier for him to understand(not fully but at least a little).

Answer 5

Wow what an ignorant SOB a few posts above me.

When I found my birthmother, I found I had many other siblings. And yes I was the only one that was given up. I have 4 sisters, and 2 brothers......so I can tell you I never hated my birthmother for choosing to give me up over the others, her life cicumstances were different when she had me over the others.

First, the adoptive mother gave you her contact info, she is encouraging you to contact her !!

I would start by telling her how things have changed for you, what's going on in your life... everything !! Ask any questions you have for her.

I don't see a need to apologize at all. You did what you needed to for your mental well being. Nothing wrong with that. We all do what we have to, to cope with things, that was your way.

I wish you all the best, please don't forget that with being pregnant you may be a little more emotionally charged than usual.

Answer 6

Ignore Mark D. You made a hard choice and probably did the right thing for your child adopting it out. You have to ask why you want to send this letter/email. Is if for your self or the child ?. Just explain that you wanted to let them know where they came from and why you felt it was better for someone else to raise them. And that you don't want to be there mum (they have one). But would like to be there freind.

Answer 7

K, from life experience, you have to ask a few ?'s. do they know they are adopted. Are they happy with their parents? this is one thing you can not be selfish on. You have to do what is right for the child. If the child knows, obviously they want to meet their true parents. Which you have to work out with the current parents. Remember, you gave this baby up. Therefore, in my opinion, you have no rights to this child. Remember the child is the most important thing!!!!

Answer 8

Well I guess it takes so many reports for it to be removed because it was still there and then I reported it and now its removed

THANK GOD

PLEASE Do NOT take any notice of dickheads like that..

Look my Mother (who gave birth to me) kept my older sibling and gave me away - she is 2.5 years older than me. Does it hurt ? YES like h**l it hurts

I was prepared for what your situation is ie first child being given up and then other siblings because things DO change but I wasnt prepared for the other

What I want to suggest to you is this .. Just be Honest. No Matter what you do ..Just be honest, do that and you will know in your heart that you have done the right thing. Be honest and BE THERE For your child should He want to be in your life and you in his..

I hope it all works out x

Answer 9

FIrstly, I reported the guy above me who verbally abused you.  Do your best to ignore someone like that.

The good thing is that his adoptive mom is open to contact, as she did give the social worker the contact information.  This will probably take more than one correspondence between the two of you to deal with the issues.  I'm sure she'll want to know what happened and the best thing you can do is be honest.  You may want to focus on the fact that there is a sibling on the way, as this could be sort of a pivot point of why you felt it important to reestablish contact, although I realize there are many more reasons than that.  

I hope the best for you in this.  I've never relinquished a child, but I'm adopted and know all of the pain it caused my first father, so I realize it's far from a simple and easy issue.

Answer 10

She is not the child's mother. She can neve replace you.  You are that child's mother because you gave birth to him.  That child has an obligation to take care of you when you are old. Just remember that.

Answer 11

First of all you did nothing wrong. So don't blame yourself. If you and the father felt that at that time of your life you couldn't take care of the child ,you did what you thought was best. The way it sounds is that you gave your son to a wonderful family.Just e-mail her and explain, just as you did to us They will be Glad to hear from you and this also informs them your son is going to have a brother or sister. Congrats in the new addition in your family.

To Mark D. Just who gave you the right to be judge and jury to anyone. What you said was mean and out right hateful.

Answer 12

I struggle with this too. I have no contact info but am able to send pictures and letters through the post adoption registry here. So far I have only sent pics. I don't know what to say to them. I have written it out a thousand times and it always comes off so cheesy to me. I want to express myself well and the emotions are just too much at times.

So here is what I "want" to say to them.

Dear Tracy and Mel,

I know how much you love Justin and I am thankful for that every day. The pain is just too much for me to bear at times and I am unsure how to ensure that Jay is going to be OK with my choices in life. I have another daughter, Payton,  who is two, Rayne is 10 now and I fear that he will be angry that I kept them when I wasn't able to keep him. Things are going well in my life, I found my own natural mother 9 years ago and have discovered some medical information that could prove useful to Justin in the future. I want to make sure he has this info. I understand if you do not want me to be an active part of his life but please understand that circumstances change and I have grown substantially in the last 10 years. All I really want is to see what he looks like and know how he is doing. Maybe learn a bit about his likes and dislikes and who he is as a person now. Again I understand if you are reluctant to keep in contact.

Now my situation is obviously different that yours but that is what I would say if I had the chance. Odd how easy it was for me to write it here but I can't write it out on paper to send...

Keep it short and positive at first, no reason to scare them off by seeming angry or unstable. Say what you think is most important and send pictures of yourself and your family. Be aware that after all this time they may not be open to contact, that is my biggest fear (I know they are open to it but since mine was an adoption through child welfare the province tells adoptive parents to shut down any and all contact made by natural parents). Just be yourself and tell your story but don't get your hopes up too high.

I also want to suggest joining some kind of first parent support group either online or IRL. It really does help to talk things out with others who have either been there or are going through similar situations.