How do I handle a 4 yr old showing aggression to his 9 week old baby sister?

Question

I understand the idea of sibling rivalry...but I feel like I have no control over this at all. Its progressively getting worse as he gets more brave in testing the limits. This last week he has actually started hitting her. We try to never leave him alone with her but if ever I turn my back for a second, he does something and she starts screaming. Yesterday he smacked her on the top of the head so hard she screamed for over 10 minutes. She was absolutely hysterical. My sons uncle was in the room when this happened and when he asked my son why he was just like I dont know. Now I have tried everything. We have tried being nice and explaining that shes just a lil baby and needs us to be gentle with her. Ive tried relating it to him when he was a baby. Ive tried timeouts....Ive yelled in frustration! I have taken him out of the situation. My mom is constantly offering to take him overnight so he gets one on one time with her and my dad. My fiance and I are both always making time just for Gabe. We took him on a lil overnight stay just us and him. I really dont know what else to do. Hes not a bad kid but right now I feel like all I do is yell at him or put him in timeout. When timeout is over I ask him why he was in there and he always knows what he did and says hes sorry. But 10 minutes later its the same thing. I feel like a failure as a mother and Im in desperate need of help!!!!

Answer 1

You mentioned timeouts; have you considered spanking?  I know some parents don't want to spank and are afraid of being turned in for abuse, but if you explain to him what the swat is for and that if he stops doing what he shouldn't he wouldn't be swatted any more.  I would explain to my kids what they did wrong, hitting, etc., and if they didn't stop I would swat them.  One swat for the first offense, two swats for the second offense that day, three for the third.  My kids learned to count and they learned not to hurt others.

Answer 2

he needs some one on one time with just you it sounds like maybe he thinks you don't love him anymore now that there is baby that needs your constant attention...also try to include him when tending to her ask if he would like to help you change her diaper, feed her, bathe her, ect...

Answer 3

Figure out the one thing that he dislikes having done and do it.  If he continues to do this then spank him..Not BEAT him, but spank him to get his attention and that you mean business.  What do you think animals do in the animal kingdom?   They correct the action with something that the child/animal doesn't like.

Start taking things away from him.  I guaranty that it will only take a few times before he gets the hint and stops.

Answer 4

my 5 yr old was doing this to her lil brother who is 5 months. Trust me it will pass over, she was very rough with him. We just showed her how to hold him and how to play with him. We also got her a new baby doll, and bottles and stuff  so she could pretend she had a baby too!! But not sure how you feel about your son playing with a doll!! lol.. just watch him like a hawk I doubt hes tryin to be mean to her just doesnt understand how small she is!

Answer 5

I feel your pain! My 5 year old daughter is acting very similar (without the hitting...so far) We try to explain to  her about the baby and that Brooke (the baby) needs a little extra attention now. We also try to give the 5 year old a little extra attention. I know your son is not mean, but looking to see what he can get away with. It there something that seems to set him off? If so, try to change that. we noticed that when we talked to the baby and our daughter was right there, she would act up right after that. We also try to give the 5 year old special jobs around the house (things she likes to do while playing, sweeping, making breakfast, etc) we are not putting her to work, but she seems to like the idea of helping out in some sort of way. When she is doing these things, I can spend time with the baby and she never really notices. I would keep taking him away from the situation and tell him Not nice when it's not......Everyone tells me this phase ends. Good luck and hope I helped!~

Answer 6

Your child is obviously reacting to the new baby; and he is acting out to simply get attention regardless if it for punishment or not.  You need to not reward him be interacting with him when he hits the baby. Your punishment needs to be immediate;  put him into timeout (always somewhere he will find boring) Just tell him why he is going into timeout and nothing else do not speak to him until his timeout is over(4minutes). When he comes out explain to him what he did was wrong and he need to apologise for it. This will take several days of basically continuous timeout before it works; he has to learn that there is consequences for his actions. When you yell or even spank him you are giving him the attention he craves and he doesn't care if its negative attention. Really reward him for behaving and allow him to help with the daily care of the baby such as helping change her and helping with bath time and reward him for his assistance.

Just like you have had to adjust to a new baby so has your son and for him it was a novelty at first but now he sees the baby as somone which is taking his mothers attention away from him. The bahaviour will improve; but you also need to be consistant with your punishment and your praise of your son.

Answer 7

You are NOT a failure at all!  If I were you I would try to have him "help" out with the baby and make him feel like a great big brother.  If nothing works maybe you need to make the punishments more severe.  I just don't want to see the baby get hurt.  I'm sure your son is very smart and he will catch on but for now you have to keep a very close eye on things.  You can try a swat on the butt although I can't say I would do that but it works for some ppl.

Answer 8

I haven't noticed where you have giving him some undivided time alone.  It's obvious that he is looking for attention.  At 4 years old he doesn't understand that you need to devote your time and attention to the new baby.  You're going to have to make time in your day to spend some quality one on one time with him

Answer 9

Ok first of all you are NOT a failure, this is more normal than you think. He was your king for 4years & now, what is this? a girl is taking his place! It does not mean he's a bad kid either.

Have you tried to get him involved? Ask him to bring the diaper bag or something, so he feels like he is helping, ask him to gently burp her, just pat her back, while you hold her, of course. Then say that she apprecciates him & loves him. Tell him that it's his big brother job to protect his baby sister, i don't know, kids are very imaginative. Say it's his secret mission or something.

If he keeps being punished he'll think that it's his baby sister's fault. Try to think like a 4yr old, you know him, make up a fun story about her.. Relax & put your mind to work. I'm sure you can do it. Be very careful, poor baby =[

God Bless, i hope it gets better soon

Answer 10

i know this is going to sound cruel but when he does it spank his but hard enough for him to cry but not to hard you should also be saying stuff like you don't hit your younger sister. like i said it sounds cruel but it has been working for 100's of years.