How do I handle his pornography use?

Question

My fiance and I have been together for three years now and engaged for one. When we met I knew that he looked at p**n, but he was aslso a single guy, so who could blame him? He did however learn early on in the relationship that I am not ok with it. I honestly believe that it does interfere with someones relationship. I just recently found out about it and he says that he's only dont it a few times and it has only been in the past two or three months. I spoke to him about it, told him it really hurt me and he said that he was sorry and he would stop.

Well now he is coming to me saying that I shouldn't tell him no and that I should just be ok with it, that it won't affect our relationship or our s*x life but I feel like it does. The only way I found out about it was because started feeling strange and noticed alittle bit of a drop in our s*x life. I love s*x. I think I love s*x more than he does, so I know that he is not missing out on anything... I don't understand what it is that he needs from it. I don't know that I can just say ok and try to pretend like its ok with me. I think that if he knows that it is something that really hurts me that he should be willing to give it up...

Answer 1

My fiance looks every now and than,I do think it is disgusting,but if it isnt all the time,than you have nothing to worry about.Now if it is,he needs to stop.It can become an addiction and that can lead to cheating.

Answer 2

it is not a big deal, i kinda felt that way with my husband, but i look at it with him now =) i dont really care like i did before. men are more visual then women are and it stimulates them. also if he is using it for ma***rbating then its cool too. sometimes guys just like to get o** and not have to put the energy into it like you would with s*x. this is totally fine hun stop stressing and worrying about it

Answer 3

The people who claim men "need" p**n, or it's in their nature are full of BS. My fiance' is just as much a man as any other, but he has no interest in p**n. Never once has he looked at it, and he came to me and said he and his friends were going to hang out for their bachelor party, and he had told his BM no hookers or strippers. To him, I am the most beautiful girl, so in his words, he has no interest any other woman.

You have discussed your feelings with your fiance', but he shows no interest in protecting them. That is not a good sign. If he puts so little thought and effort toward your feelings and happiness, how can you be assured of a happy life and marriage? I would speak with him again, and if he refuses, do some serious reflection on the relationship.

p**n DOES effect people and relationships. For my Psych degree (in progress), I had to study countless case studies in regards to p**n and the effect it has on young and old men alike--it effects family life, relationships, and work in negative and destructive ways. They also have skewed ideas about women and their worth because those present in p**n aren't considered to be of any worth. You should be all he needs and desires, and I would ask him quite frankly why you are not.

Answer 4

s*x is one of our most basic needs as human beings.  I feel sexual compatability to be of utmost importance in a relationship.  If you guys are not compatable in this department it will seriously hinder your relationship.  

I am very liberal sexually, but there are some things I am not willing to go along with.  I don't think it's fair for me to live with that or demand my partner suppress their needs.  I would have a very serious conversation with a counsellor & strongly consider parting.  Neither person should feel sexually supressed in their relationship.

Answer 5

Don't try to change him and then get upset when he won't change for you. Either love him the way he is, p**n and all, or find someone else.

Answer 6

All guys do NOT need or watch p**n.  Its harmful and destructive.  He's not willing to give it up because he's probably battling an addition to it.  I really don't know what to tell you to do about it, because unless he's willing to admit its a problem and that its wrong I don't think you can ever get him to stop.

I heard a scary correlation once about p**n--maybe it'll help you when you talk to him?  Most women in p**n look really young.  Watching p**n over and over again causes men to fixate on that particular age of woman to be the most desirable.  So he's training himself to be attracted to what essentially look like 16 year old girls.  What happens if you have a daugher--is he going to start lusting after her or her friends?  Are you not going to be attractive to him at all 15 years down the road?  I know that's a long way out, but still.

Oh, and for all those people that think p**n is harmless, why is that ALL s*x offenders are found to be p**n addicts.  Why do people who watch child pornography almost inevitably end up molesting children?  Its not harmless entertainment.

Answer 7

The problem is not that he watches p**n. The problem is that he is trying to say you should be ok with it. You should not have to lie to him and pretend that you're ok with him hurting himself and you like this.

Unfortunately there is no way to make him stop unless he is willing to change. p**n can be an addiction, and it takes a lot of dedication to break an addiction. My fiance had problems with p**n when we first started going out, and it took him several months to finally get clean (he still lapses every now and then), this despite the fact that he had already tried to stop before we started going out, and he knew how much it hurt me.  

Answer 8

ill tell you the answer i have gotten from guys. variety. different b***s, different face, etc... i hate the fact guys "need" p**n, but i know for me and my guy. p**n was a deal breaker, and he chose me. i wasn't going to have it!

Answer 9

I dont think this is ok at all. Hes been doing this for the 3 years that youve known him? Thats a long time. it almost sounds like its an addiction. if he truly loves you, then why does he have to look at other women? I think hes getting all his sexual needs from p**n. Maybe thats why ur s*x life isnt so great anymore. And for him to tell you that you should be ok with it is crazy!!!! Its like cheating. I know a lot of ppl say that everyone looks at p**n and ya i guess thats true....if your 17!!! He should be past this phase by now. I would not get married until he cures this addiction. This sounds pretty serious. maybe you should have a serious talk with him. just tell him you will not get married until he stops his p**n addiction. and have you ask him why he has to get his "kicks" off looking at someone else instead of you. Tell him that this is really starting to upset you. and consider getting him some professional help. or look up p**n addiction on the internet and try to help him. but dont stay with him if this doesnt get better. if your upset about it now, just think how youll feel in a few years after your married to him.

Answer 10

everyone has sexual needs ...  and they vary ...  for example:  some like to be tied b/c it is an intimate release from all of their responsibilities and the constant feeling they have to be in control all of the time ...  maybe the way to handle this is to figure out what pron gives him ...  is it an emotional or physical release of some sort?  can you replace it with something else he desires, like stiletto heels or costumes?  do you think you can find it in you to try and watch some and see if it gives you ideas or how you can find fun and intimacy in it together?

talk to him with an open mind and an open heart and see if there is some sort of compromise or way you can understand each other ...  if you just lay down an ultimatum that requires him to change, then he may not be willing and will likely feel unfulfilled and resentful this is harmful to the relationship and may casue it to be in danger ...  you BOTH have to be happy for a relationship to succeed ...

and I know from past relationships that when the man feels pressure from a woman in a sexual sense, his drive tends to go down ...  your attitude towards his sexual interest is more likely reducing his sexual drive instead of any possible masturbation he is doing ...

you need to find out if this will be a long-term, core-relationship issue for you guys ...  it could be a deal-breaker for you guys ...

Answer 11

I don't really like p**n either and it hurts my feelings, I totally get it.  I read all kinds of articles from men saying it's just what they do, whatever, no big deal.  I didn't know how to express myself about what exactly it was that I didn't like until I read this article on the Oprah website - see the "source" link.  It makes a lot of sense and it can hopefully help you explain to your fiance why you feel it actually detracts from your relationship.  More importantly, he says he's sorry but now he's trying to stand firm and say he doesn't care about your feelings.  BS!  He is your future husband and needs to take this very serious topic to heart.  

Answer 12

Obviously he digs the p**n...I think there is an ultimatum, I mean, you or the p**n.  

Answer 13

Sorry, but I dont agree with others.  If you arent comfortable with it then it is a problem.  Guys dont need p**n, p**n isnt just a guy thing and the only reason it has become that way is because so many women use that excuse for why their guy is wacthing p**n.  Sorry, but I'm human too and I have needs to, but I turn to my husband for them before I turn to p**n. I expect the same from him.  Why does he need to look at some other nasty, probably dieased naked chick when you are so ready and willing to be with him?  and if you feel it is interfering with your relationship then it probably is.  he doesnt see it because he is satisied.  I caught my husband looking at it before and I told him no more.  He stopped for a bit and then started again.  I told him that was it.  If he needed those girls to satsify him then he didnt need me and I turned to walk out.  The was the last time he was ever done it.  We are both happy and satisfied in our marriage and dont need that garbage.  a your fiance how he would feel if it was the other way around and you were watching p**n all the time.  chances are he would not be ok with it.  

Answer 14

I would say, "I am glad you are looking at pictures of other women and are not out finding other REAL women." You are the one with the ring. You are the one he will marry. If looking at p**n makes him happy, isn't that a compromise YOU'RE willing to make? I would be glad he's sitting at home on the computer or in the bathroom with a magazine and coming back to you in bed every night. If he doesn't have p**n, he may find another "outlet" and feel as though you created the need for him to "look elsewhere".

Be sure to choose your battles wisely.

Good luck!

Answer 15

what they show in movies facinate him because of a unfed fantasy.  If he's with you and wants to marry you then leave him alone.  Everyone has a fantasy or two and there nothing wrong with that. stop naggin and making a big deal about it.  Be happy that he chose you and not someone who can provide the fantasy and not stability like you.  also, if you make him chose and make him feel guilty about his sexual imagination he will soon hate and despise you.  

Answer 16

I have no idea...I left my ex-boyfriend because of it...I found it hidden in his SON's closet...I have also heard of dudes hiding it in their toolboxes, in the garage, file drawers, etc...if they have to hide it, it proves that they know it's wrong.

Don't get me wrong, when I am in a relationship, I do not like it, I feel like it has no place...but if you are single, I see no problem with it...to me it is cheating...I don't care if it is LEGAL...it is immoral...I know in my heart what is right and what is wrong and if something hurts me and literally makes me sick to my stomach then I know it is wrong...

I also just feel like I wouldn't do it to my man, so why should he do it to me?  

Or since I don't like p**n, what can I do that is *not* considered cheating?  Can I have dinner with other guys?  Hold hands with them?  You know what I mean, a guy would not like it if you did that, but I think p**n is much worse than those things...

Answer 17

He lied to you about something really important. It's also clearly something he won't give up. He's tried, failed, and instead of trying even harder, he's tried to justify it by saying you're wrong for disliking it. Unless you can start living with him looking at p**n, which it doesn't sound like you can, this isn't the guy for you.

Answer 18

get involved with him.. go rent one and watch it with him

Answer 19

I think you're correct in the fact that he should be willing to give it up if he knows that it hurts you. I think a lot of people these days think it's something that guys "need," but I also think that's untrue. People these days confuse "needs" and "wants" a lot.

That said, if this is something he wants so much and you aren't okay with it, he may not be the guy for you--especially since he knew it was a problem for you in the beginning and since he's reacting the way that he is. And you aren't even married yet! That doesn't bode well for the future--compromises need to be made and this is a fairly small one in the overall scheme of things.

I'd say he needs to stop being a "guy" and be a man.

Answer 20

All guys look at p**n, you are making it more of an issue than it needs to be.  He has chosen to marry and spend his life with you, so obviously he chose you over the p**n.

It is not going to actually affect your relationship unless YOU let it, which you are.  If you just leave him alone about it, and let him have his 'secret' fantasy, it won't be a big deal or affect either of you, or your relationship.  If you keep making such a big deal about it and making demands for him to change (something that is basically 'natural' to men) then it WILL affect your relationship and he is going to resent your controlling ways.

Just leave it alone, if you love him, and want to marry him, you don't need to change him.

Answer 21

I think that you should change your approach, instead of telling him he cant do it because you don't like it, you should try to understand why he likes it so much. Ina relationship you have to be willing to compromise, don't just shut out something he likes because you don't like it, (even something as taboo as p**n) I would suggest you try to watch it with him, at least once. It may not be that he is not getting enough s*x, its just one of those things that men do. we as females cant always get offended, it probably has nothing to do with he is more attracted to them than you, its just a male thing. They do a lot of stuff we don't understand and they don't understand either they just do it. Talk with him first and even watch it with him (if you can stomach it) before you give up on him.  

Answer 22

Men look at p**n. It has nothing to do w/ you. It's a physical release. He's not wishing he was with a different woman or is unhappy w/ his sexual relationship w/ you. Any man who says they'll stop is a liar. Either get over your hang up with it or don't marry him. I'd be willing to guess your drop in s*x has nothing to do w/ his masturbation time. I agree p**n can have a negative impact from a woman's perspective but we're a different breed....as are men. It guess it's something males & females can't always understand from one another. It has to do w/ how our brains are wired.  

Answer 23

Has it ever crossed your mind to watch the p**n with him?  You never know it might be something that you can enjoy together, get ideas etc. and then he might not actually be all that interested in it.

I never really understand why women are so bothered about it to be honest, and yes, I am female.