How do I handle my ex-boyfriend after the death of his mother?

Question

My first serious relationship lasted 3 years and ended in 2004. I ended it because I just simply couldn't stand being around him and his overwhelmingly possessive ways. Therefore it was one of the best moves I could have ever made at that stage in my life. I also didn't want to be friends with him afterwards because it would've totally defeated the purpose of my breaking up with him (in my eyes). So during the years after we had broken up, I've had to cancel 2 online accounts I had due to him finding me and trying to contact me which was not what I wanted. However, during that time, my mother had contracted breast cancer and it was a very tragic and sensitive time in my life and I basically took any support I could find during that time. And wouldn't you know, I had received an email from him asking how I was and I had filled him in on that aspect of my life because I knew how much he respected my mother. So that just opened a pandora's box for him to be in touch with me. But of course, during my mother's illness I never got back to him and just took care of matters at home. Then a year after my mother had extensive surgery (and has been 2 years cancer-free now, thank God), my ex told me that his mother contracted breast cancer as well. I didn't get back to him and he went so far as to call my mother to ask her advice. I figured if the cancer was in its early stages she would've been OK like my mother, however, a year later, she passed away due to complications of the radiology. It was so tragic that I had no other choice but to pay my respects to her and my ex and his family. Even though I hated my ex I couldn't bring myself to not be there for him, after going through similar situations with my mother (as well as my aunt). So it has been 7 months now since her passing away and he's still trying to keep in touch with me. Is it bad for me to be feeling this way? I just honestly don't want anything to do with him and can't come to terms with the best way to handle this entire situation. Can anyone make better sense of this than me? Any insight would be appreciated. Thank you!

Answer 1

You've given a very concise and honest explanation of your question...First the facts:

It's to be appreciated and valued that you are a compassionate and giving individual who feels sincerely bad for him in his grief.  It is truly sad that his mother has died.  Your ex-boyfriend does not sound like a healthy individual.

Now it sounds like you feel sort of guilty that your mother lived and his didn't--that he still wants you and you don't have any interest in renewing that relationship at all.

You don't need to feel guilty.  You've done all you need to do to satisfy compassion.  It is not wrong for you to want to move on.  Especially if it took as long as it did for you to break away from this guy in the first place.  To be perfectly honest, if you weren't absolutely sure that his mother had really died, I think I would wonder if he'd fabricated the whole story for the sake of appealing to you.  If the two of you were together for three years, he obviously knew you quite well and knew how to manipulate you (our closest ones always do).  Just a thought.  

Having good boundaries means having to lay down areas in social relationships that are off limits for some people.  This guy has gone way over the boundaries:  You've told him you're done with the relationship, and it sounds to me like he's still hoping he can change your mind--and if he has to use a tragedy to do it, he's be willing to do that.

My advice:  Get your boundaries back in firm position--you do not need this complication and it is not cruel of you to ask that he leave you alone--stop listening to the guilt--there's no help there--just a lot of false responsibility.