How do I handle the fact that I have an open adoption for my kids but the adoptive parents are pushing me out?

Question

let me also say that my kids were 1 and 3 when they left so i already had a bond with them and after 6 years of the same thing and then out of the blue this.....i have always or so i thought had a good relationship with the adoptive parents....they are the type that tell you the lil things that u would want to know like u know u would write in their baby book

Answer 1

You do have recourse.  Go to the agency or social worker who assisted you with the adoption.  You do have rights, and you do have some power in this situation.  Just revisit the agreement that was made regarding continuing contact.  Was it verbal or written?  Talk with the counselor about your expectations of the arrangement.  Ask that it be reviewed, as you don't feel comfortable with the way it is being implemented.  Talk about how this impacts you.  Ask that the arrangement be reviewed.  Please also be aware that sometimes people (you or the adoptive parents) don't always recall the continuing contact details  as they really are.  Make sure you all remember the agreement the same.  After all of this, if progress/change is not made, then go back again and tell them you would like to know what your options are for enforcement of this agreement.  If they do not know, you can seek out an adoption attorney (not just any attorney) and ask for advice on enforcing the agreement.  Good luck to you.

Answer 2

I just wanted to say I am sorry you are in that situation!!

You did the best thing by the sounds of things though and that takes an amazing mother to be able to do that I hope things get better for you soon...Maybe you should talk to a lawyer??

Good luck and best wishes

Answer 3

Unfortunately there isn't anything you can do. Trying to sue for the right to see kids that you no longer have any parental rights to legally is not going to happen- even if it is an adoption. It could be that the adoptive family feels a little smothered and wants to try and be a family. You have to understand that and give them their space. Blaming them to your kids for the situation is only going to start problems where there doesn't need to be any for the kids and it makes the kids a pawn like "who loves you more" type thing. The adoptive parents and family are the parents and family and they do have the right to make the best decision in regards to their children and family.

Answer 4

I am sorry to say that the adoptive parents have the legal rights to chose who and how much contact any one has with their adopted children, even when it comes to birth parents. I would keep a journal/life book and keep adding to it, and when the children were old enough, give it to them and explain that you tried to keep in contact.

Also remember that the children are probably going through grief/loss too, in that they might be the one's saying that they don't want to talk to you because they are angry with their situation. No, it does not mean you are a bad person or that it is your fault, but from the child's perspective. I know this because I work with foster and adoptive children, I teach classes on grief/loss regarding foster and adoptive children and I am an adoptive parent from the foster care system.

Sorry you are having such a hard time.

Answer 5

I would advise calling the adoptive parents and talking to them on the phone. Ask them what the deal is.  Unfortunately for you most states do not enforce open adoptions even with a contract.

Answer 6

I would keep trying that is basically all you can do.  When you do call are the kids excited to talk to you.  Do the adopted parents tellyou not to call.  If they don't don't worry about it and keep calling and doing everything that you can.

Answer 7

I am so sorry that this happened to you.

Do not listen to those who tell you that there is nothing that you can do or that this is your lot in life and get over it.  Do not listen to them.

Get in touch with someone who knows what you are going thru.  There are 2 great answers here and I suggest you get in touch with them.

Send me a note if you need to.

Answer 8

I could be wrong (please check with your lawyer), but as I understand it, the term "open adoption" does not have any set guidelines, and it is really up to the adoptive parents as to whether they honor the agreement or not.

Answer 9

Contact the agency or attorney that handled it for you, and let them know that nothing in your agreement is  being met.  Find out what they can do to help you!

Answer 10

I think the first thing to do is have a conversation with the adoptive parents and tell them how you feel.  If you don't feel comfortable doing this "one on one" maybe ask if they will meet with you and a social worker or counselor, that way there is someone there to mediate and make sure the conversation stays on track.  

It seems very odd that after 6 years the adoptive parents are trying to "push you out".  There has to be a reason.  The first thing I can think of is that they're not really trying to do so, but that life is just getting busy.  The kids are getting older and so will have more activities.  Maybe it's not that they're trying to distance you, as they just don't have TIME.  

The second thing could be that one of the kids is going through something you're not aware of.  Everyone knows that talking to kids isn't the way to always get the "whole story".  There might be an issue one of the kids is dealing with, and they think a large amount of contact with you is, in some way, damaging to that situation.  It might not even be a problem you are causing, but just the fact that having an extra "parent" in the mix is too confusing at the moment.  

Lastly, there might be something you are inadvertantly doing that is annoying the adoptive parents.  Maybe it is the time of day or week that you call.  Maybe it is a certain word or phrase you use with the kids.  It's probably not something you are doing intentionally, but for some reason it's making the adoptive parents insecure.  Hopefully with mediation, you could eliminate this rough spot and everything will get better.  

Good luck!  Remember, when you're working with the adoptive parents, you might not get everything exactly how you want.  The key is for both parties to have an open discussion and decide the best future course of action for the children.

Answer 11

I'm sorry you are suffering over this.  I wish things could have been different for you.  As for the new parents, can you kind of blame them for wanting the children to look at them as their parents?  They did adopt them, after all.  I wish you could change it, too, but it's over now.  I agree with a previous answerer.  Go talk to a lawyer.  I wish I could know how this comes out.  I wish you nothing but the very best of luck with this issue.

Answer 12

First, ignore the people here who say "oh well" you signed the papers, move on.  They do know what it is like for your children to have you cut out of their lives.

Check with the adoption laws in your state and find out if you are in one of the (few) states where open adoption is legally enforceable.

If you adopted through your department of social services and they are knowledgeable about your agreement, write a letter to them and let them know that your agreement is not being honored.  Hopefully, they will contact the family and intercede for you.  At the very least, these people should NEVER be allowed to adopt again.

If you adopted through any agency, demand that they call a mediation meeting to get what you were promised.

Also, tell every person you know that there are no guarantees in open adoption.  Adoptions close for a lot of reasons but frequently they close because the adopters were bold-faced liers who would exploit anyone to get a child.  Many, many adopters have no intention of ever keeping their agreements.  If you know anyone who is considering an open adoption, they should read the article below to hear the SILENCED side of open adoption.

http://www.exiledmothers.com/open_adopti...

Please for the sake of your children - do not give up your fight for your right to have your open adoption agreement honored.  These people are beneath contempt.

Answer 13

it's very simple

the adoptive parents feel threatened that the kids might not care and love them as much as they love you b/c you are the birth mom

i'd suggest you put a bit distance

you put them up for adoption

and let the adoptive parents love them

i know it sounds selfish

but how would you feel that your adopted kids talk to the birth mom realy often etc.

since you admit yourself that you put them up for adoptin b/c it's the BEST for them

therefore dont confuse the kids anymore

let hte adoptive paretns be their parents, as their real parents

live with yoru decision

b/c your interference will only harm their chance of happiness

it would seem that the kids are living at "friends" house while their real mom" that's you" keep in touch LOL

Answer 14

I have an open/private adoption.  You need to talk to the parents and let them know how you feel.  Also too, I would explain what is going on to the children so that if they have some kind  mis understanding about you, they know that you didn't stop talking to them.  You and I have the same kind of adoption thing going on.  I explained to the people that adopted my daughter, that if I don't get to keep in contact with her, and be able to send things to her, and not be able to get pictures, than it wasn't going to happen.  I feel bad for you.  I am sorry, maybe you call them too much??   I am not trying to sound mean... maybe if you are, try to cut down a little.?  I don't call my daughter but maybe every other month, just so that she doesn't get too confused about what is going on.