How do I handle this situation with my 3 yr old??

Question

My sons' father recently moved without even saying goodbye to them. He really has not been a stable parent in their short lives, but my boys love him, despite everything he has done. My 3 yr old asked me where he was this one day and I didn't want to lie and I told him that he moved. That he didn't have any work here and needed to go find some. Which was a lie. I just try to spare him any more pain. The truth is that he could care less. Now today my 3 yr old brought it up again and at first was so angry...the anger then turned to tears. I just don't know how to handle it. It breaks my heart. He is so young and dealing with so much pain. I am in the process of getting him some counseling, but I am still waiting for a call. I just thought maybe someone has gone through this and could give me some advice. Thanks.

Answer 1

I think some type of punching bag with his dad's picture on it that he can just wail on for a while.  He vents the anger and is staying in shape.  I did the same thing with the state of Vermont.  Grrrrrr.  Oh Vermont how I hate you.  Where is my punching bag!

Answer 2

I think you have already done the right thing and couseling may help.  I would also suggest reassuring your son that you are not going to move like his dad did.  He may be worried that he will wake up and you'll be gone too.  Make sure he knows that you are there for him.

Answer 3

This one hits home for me.  My biological father did not want to have anything to do with me AT ALL.  When I was born he wanted to have a boy.  I don't even know what he looks like.  My mom and him got a divorce when I was only 5 months old.  He never tried to contact us after that.  All I can say is now I have a wonderful step father.  Hes my daddy and that jerk that donated the sperm means nothing to me.  I have turned out ok.  I'm 25 now.  I wish you all the luck with your boy.  I know that it can be hurtful sometimes for him.  But just keep in mind that there will be a day that he will accept that it was not his fault and he will be able to move on.

Answer 4

You might not be able to explain the real reason until he gets older - because he might not understand everything at three.  

You should try to get the point across that he can't see his dad at least not right now.  Make sure not to promise him he can see him later either.  He might be upset for a while whenever you tell him he can't see him.  This is when you have to be strong.  Later on when you tell him the truth becuase he's able to understand he'll have to be strong.  

Answer 5

My heart goes out to you. I told my sons that sometimes parents are not ready to be parents. That they might realize the child needs some one better because they are so good. I did this so they would not think anything was their fault for their fathers absence. I also was lucky to have a large family with excellent male role models for them to be around. They are now 18 and 15, A-B grades, oldest in college, very happy. Continue to love them and counseling is definitely a good choice.

Answer 6

Poor child. My heart goes out to him.

Empathize with him, and cry with him. Be honest and tell him that you are hurting too because Daddy has left, and you don't know how to find him, because he didn't say where he was going when he went to find a new job. (Do not traumatize him further at this young age with anything more than what you told him. It is a very good lie. It is still at an early stage and as you said, despite everything he's done, they still love him. I would nurture that love in them, as long as they're willing to play along with that game.) To create a feeling of "father doesn't care about you, so he left that idiot" can only add to the anger he's already feeling, and we want to minimize that as much as possible, so that he has more happy moments than angry moments in his little life. To create more hurt in their heart this young will not be beneficial to their young and tender hearts!!) It's the best you can do until the help comes.

Play therapy might be a good idea, because it is a non-threataning environment where kids are not put on the spot to express their inner-most thoughts, though they inevitably do just that, through acting out their emotions through play. Get recommendations for a good play therapist though, because some of them are quirks and create more chaos than help.

Answer 7

Well, the best thing is to tell him that daddy went bye bye, its gana hurt for him, but he needs to know the truth.

Explain to him why he left and why he really had to go so that he will  not think that it was his fault.

Give him all the love that you can to help him feel better.

Just be there for him, but he needs to know the truth about what happened. It does hurt a lot, but its life and a lot of ppl go through it.

Goodluck;-)