How do I handle this wedding dilemma??

Question

My friend got married in June. She did not invite me to her wedding, but 2 weeks before her wedding I got an invitation to her bridal shower along with some registry information. I don't live in the same town anymore so it was hard for me to travel there to attend. I sent a little note telling her congratulations and that I wouldn't be able to come to the shower due to distance but I wished her and her fiance the best of luck. I didn't buy her a gift since I was not attending the shower and she didn't invite me to the wedding.

We are not the best of friends and had a slight falling out a few months before her wedding when she insulted my fiance and I's decisions to have a longer engagement (we had a 6 month relationship and year long engagement and our wedding is in 3 weeks, she had a 3 month relationship and 4 month engagement). She said our longer engagement mean we didn't love each other as much (insulting, right?) I'm not that surprised she didn't invite me to the wedding. I did not invite her to mine either, but I thought it was a little tacky to invite me just to the shower (it looked like a total grab for gifts).

Anyways, so I sent the card, didn't attend the wedding (since I wasn't invited) and a few days ago I received an email asking me if my gift was lost in the mail because she hasn't received it yet.

What do I do and how can I handle this?

I don't want to be downright rude, since we still communicate once or twice every few months and she is a friend of some of my friends, but we are no where near close enough friends for me to splurge on a gift for a wedding I wasn't even invited to (plus I need money for my own wedding and my life with my fiance). Do you think it was tacky to invite me just to the shower without inviting me to the reception, and then asking for a gift?

How can I handle this tastefully?

Answer 1

To be honest with you the only way to not have a confrontation is by ignoring the email totally. It's just crazy the way some people think huh?  I think she has the audacity to invite you to her shower, Not the wedding and is still probing to get a wedding gift. What does that tell you? Is this someone who you really want to be in your life? As far as I'm concerned she doesn't give a d**n about your feelings but for some strange reason you seem to care about hers.

My suggestion is Just ignore her or just be straight forward. There is no way to really do this and "not call her out on her behaviour" (hurting her feelings).

Answer 2

i would just tell her that since you weren't invited to the ceremony that you didn't feel a need to send a gift. I think it's selfish that she sent you that email.

Answer 3

Delete the email this girl in trouble with a capital T. What a rude person.

Answer 4

Personally, I would not respond at all.

YES, it is totally rude to invite you to the shower and not the wedding.  Obviously, she is trying to put you on the spot.  She knows darn well that she did not invite you to the wedding, so why is she expecting a gift?  She is trying to pull one over on you....making you feel guilty...."oh maybe I should buy her a gift???"  Well, don't get sucked into her greed.

I would respond by not responding.  She is rude and looking for a gift.

Answer 5

You could reply to her with some links:

http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/etique...

http://knotforlife.com/faq/bridal-shower...

http://www.topweddingquestions.com/forum...

http://ezinearticles.com/?Wedding-Etique...

http://www.topweddingquestions.com/forum...

Then tell her that you did not feel comfortable attending the shower since you aren't invited to the wedding, and that those who do not attend a shower are not obligated to send a gift along, and that she needn't feel that she should send you one either when your wedding comes around.

I see no reason to tippytoe around the issue - she doesn't sound like someone I'd care to maintain a friendship with.

Answer 6

just tell her politely that you were happy for her ..

and your wishes were all that you could afford at the moment...

and that you hope to catch up with her soon and the two of you will go out and celebrate together for both of your weddings...

Answer 7

I wouldn't reply to her snarky email. How dare she even have the audacity to email you and ask you if her gift was "lost in the mail". The people who are invited to the wedding shower, also have to be invited to the wedding. So it was very tacky of her to invite you just to the shower. Don't waste your time with her nonsense and immaturity.  

Answer 8

wow what a BEEYATCH! she totally just wanted a gift.

i would be honest and say i was not even invited to your wedding, yet i was invited to the shower? i would totally lash out and say your gift is the same place my invite to your wedding is.

you both must be older because dating only 6 months or 3 months is not long enough to know someone enough to marry them.

i am getting married after dating 4 years. engaged at 3 and a half years and engagement lasting 5 months.

Answer 9

Wow...she sounds like a troll. Lol don't worry about it. Just email her back saying that you would have bought her a present if you had been invited to her wedding. She's sooo rude! Doesn't sound like much of a true friend. You don't have to justify yourself to her. Receiving a gift obviously is more important to her than you being able to celebrate such an occasion. She's just low and pathetic.  

Answer 10

I would simply ignore this tasteless person and her email. If she persists you could just reply that "no it wasn't lost". It was rude of her to put you on the shower list when you weren't invited to the wedding. Personally, I think she's trying to strong arm you into giving her a gift.  To add, you were not obligated to send anything other than your regrets and you did that. Cards are not obligatory. In tracing lost gifts, brides don't do that. The givers do that when they don't receive thank you notes. That kills two birds with one stone--it traces the gift and nudges the bride into action. You've done absolutely nothing wrong here.

Answer 11

First, are you absolutely sure you werent invited to the wedding? (USPS does lose things you know)

If youre sure, then honestly I would just tell her "Usually only people who are invited to the wedding give a gift." It was ballsy of her to ask that. I wouldnt take the subtle approach with a person like that.

Answer 12

It was wrong of her to invite you to the shower and not to the wedding.  It was even more wrong of her to call and ask you where her gift is.  Just because you are invited to something, it doesn't mean that you are required to give a gift.  Looks like she's just grabbing for gifts.

I would just reply to her e-mail saying that no, her gift isn't lost in the mail as you did not send one.  I would not elaborate.  Just make it nice and sweet.

Answer 13

Delete the e-mail. Ignore her.  

Answer 14

I would do nothing. Delete that e-mail and don't get in to an e-mail war with her. To just invite you to the shower and not the wedding does  sound like a bit of a gift grab on her part , your good wishes should be enough. So rise above it, don't let it descend in to same silly fight that you both may  regret later on.  

Answer 15

Yes, it was rude and tacky to invite you to a Bridal Shower when you weren't invited to the wedding.  Everyone knows that proper etiquette dictates you only invite to the shower those who will be attending (or were invited to attend) the wedding.

As for the "gift that was lost in the mail" -- just tell her there wasn't one, that you sent her a card wishing her the best of luck.  That way you aren't being rude, but in a gentle way letting  her know not to look for any gifts in the mail.  

Answer 16

You should have sent a congratulatory card even if you did not attend the wedding.  That was your error.  My suggestion is to send a belated card now and leave it at that.  Let her know that you did not, in fact, send a gift.

There was something about this years ago in Dear Abby because you want to be sure to acknowledge everybody who gave a gift and if it was lost, then it would need to be traced.  But unless it was Aunt Mary, I certainly would not have asked!

Personally, I think your posters are more offended than you are!

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

Answer 17

"sorry, it must have gotten lost in the mail, along with my invite to your wedding."

Or don't reply at all, thats a tasteful response to a b*tchy ex-friend.  And I'm sure she realizes exactly what she is doing.  I think her comments about your relationship are probably because she feels insecure or unsure of her own relationship.  Personally I think either of your relationships are short, but to each their own.  (we've been dated for 4 years, engaged for 1, and the wedding is 2-3 years away still, *sigh*).

I agree, don't be rude, but don't lose sleep over it.  Her sending an email is so tacky, I'm not saying that a card warrants a thank you note, but she is obviously just in a gift grab or trying to rub it in that she is already married, though if this is the type of person she is, I doubt it will last.  

Answer 18

Your friend sounds super trashy.

Answer 19

It's probably not tasteful, but I would email back saying that the gift must have been handled by the same person who handled the wedding invitation.  After all, she is already so far from having taste or class, why are you too concerned about how much worse she feels about you?

Answer 20

I would just tell her sorry but you were unable to get her a gift with your wedding so soon and all. And yes it was quite tacky of her to ask where her gift was! Good luck to you!

Answer 21

Honestly, my jaw literally dropped when I read that last paragraph about her emailing you about not getting your present yet.

Whether you had a falling out or not, it is so tacky to ask that!  A wedding (or shower invite) doesn't equal a present.  

I would honestly advice you to not dignify anything (the invite or email) with a response.  You seriously need to disassociate yourself with such a rude person.  (Which you seem to want to do).  

Don't respond at all.  (Pretend THAT got last in the mail. lol.)