How do I help a child in my class without disrespecting her parents' privacy?

Question

I am a friend of a family who is friends with a family who attends my preschool. My friends (the link to this other family) confided in me that this family is going through a very difficult time - divorce, allegations of spousal abuse, etc. The daughter is in my classroom, and I've noticed a dramatic change in her behavior (presumably because of what's happening at home), but when I talk to her mom about it, she says that nothing's changed at home and that she doesn't know where the behavior is coming from. I'm obviously not supposed to know this information, but I do, and it's breaking my heart to see this little girl hurting so much. How can I help her without offending or embarassing her mother? I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Thanks in advance for help with this situation.

Answer 1

Just give the child some extra attention.   Mom probably doesn't want to confide in you because of your 'mandatory reporter" status.     The DV may have extended to the child and mom is scared of anyone knowing.   Don't pump the child but just spend some one on one time with her if you can.  The child may be frightened also.

Answer 2

One thing that I have learned over the years is that teachers are many times the first to know about a lot of things because they spend so much time with children.  Get a counselor involved and see if by talking to the child things might come out then give you the ability to go to the parents and talk.  The main thing to do is not to over react and seem like your on a mission to "save" everyone.  But if the child continues to change it gives you more time to talk to the parents and push (gently) to find a reason for the change.  I am thankful we have teachers that care enough to want to help and be part of a bigger picture.  Children sense and know things that we never thought they would.  Sad to say, they are the victims in many of the messes parents seem to bring into the home.

Answer 3

Depends on the size of the town/school. If it is small, word gets around no matter what you do and if that is the case, just let the Mother know what you have heard. If she denies it, then it is on her but let her know that if you know the truth, you are in a much better position to help the child through this period as well.

Answer 4

I agree, give her extra attention, but don't talk to her about home.

Answer 5

Make sure the child is not in danger. As long as she is not, just invite her over for a playdate. A day away from home without the arguing and stress will do wonders. Even invite the mother over, she might need a friend too.

Answer 6

Sometimes parents are so involved in their own "stuff" that they fail to see how their children's behavior could be a result of their "grownup" stuff.  It could be that this mom really doesn't know that the stuff going on between her and her husband is affecting the child.  On the other hand, she could be deliberately hiding the information because she is ashamed, embarrassed, upset about the situation and doesn't want to think about how it is affecting their children.  Maybe pass out information related to how children's behavior is affected by divorce/family disturbances to the whole class (so as not to single her out) in the weekly newsletter or flyer.  This way, you get the information across without her feeling like you are personally attacking her at this difficult time.  Maybe this will open the door a little for her to talk to you and feel somewhat comfortable.  If the child is older (say,4ish) you could pull the mom aside when she comes to get her daughter and say that the child said something about home.  Not exactly truthful, but could exact some conversation out of the mom.  The point is, you want to show this mom that you want to work together to help the child cope and succeed in school.  Some parents are tough... they don't want help from others- so you may not get far.  Others are willing for the help, and if they see that you are genuinely concerned for their child's well-being they will be able to pull out of their shell to help out.