How do I help an adult adoptee with issues regarding their adoptive parents?

Question

I have been going out with my boyfriend all through middle school and high school. Now that were older and both going to college we started talking about possibly starting a family. The thing is, he believes that he cannot be a father. He was adopted at a very young age from a very poor 3rd world country. His whole life his AP's have pretty much told him that he should be greatful that they even adopted him. They have told him that there is no way he will ever have a healthy relationship, and if he ever managed to get a wife and children that he would beat them. They have even went as far as to threaten to send him back because he was going through a rebellious stage!!! His adoptive parents were very mean to him and have even hit him with a closed fist before! He never did anything wrong, they were just extremely religious and punished him for simple things they considered sins. He was punished for not raising his arms in church, touching himself, or TALKING to the opposite s*x. Other than those things (which is normal for ANY teenager) he was a good kid. His adoptive mom claims that he has reactive attachment disorder, which I know is very SERIOUS and effects a lot of adoptees. However I don't think he has RAD (I have dont my research). He has always known his birth mom and frequently calls his mom and siblings from my house. He always tells me stories about how much love his real mom and dad showed him. You can tell that his real mom and him have an amazing relationship and he is very much a mommas boy. However his adoptive mom has tried to make him out to be some kind of a monster. She said that he does not show her any kind of affection, but it's not true. She expects him to snuggle with her and give her kisses all the time! He is a teenage boy, he should not snuggle with his mom. He text her all the time (we don't have long distance) telling her that he loves her. Even though she rarely calls & whenever she does she puts him down about something. It really does make me sick to my stomach. He is such an amazing, well adjusted person considering what they have put him through. He has been in boarding schools all his life (including one that is notorious for beating children & has a total of 6 registered s*x offenders working directly with the children). Because it is a "private" school the state cannot regulate what they do/teach. Luckily he is out of the private school and living a healty normal life with me. My question to the yahoo! answers adoption community is: How can I help him see himself for the amazing person he is Not the horrible person his AP try to make him out to be? Should I suggest getting him professional help? Are there any links you can give us that would help? Thanks in advance!

Answer 1

Hi Ghetto princess,

I ditto what Gershom said.  The one other piece of advice i would offer is that he has to want to fix this issue for himself.  You can't fix his problem.  You can be amazingly supportive as you already sound to be.  Cut ties with the adoptive family.  Visit his family.  Counseling would be helpful and so would talking to other adoptees like him.  I highly recommend adultadoptees.org.

Best wishes.

Answer 2

I'm not really sure what to say -  this is a lot for your boyfriend to have on his plate...

Now that he's older, it would probably be a good idea to try and speak with his adoptive mother about all the pain she has caused him. If she doesn't understand or refuses to listen, he can move on from her knowing that he gave the relationship his best shot.

As for your relationship with him, make sure he understands how much you love and care for him. It's obvious that you do, you've been with him all these years. You wouldn't have stayed with him if he was as awful as his adoptive mother claims him to be.

It's good for the two of you to talk openly about a future family together, but right now, he needs to build his confidence and work on learning to love himself before he should bring another person into the world. He can use his past experiences in the future to raise his child in the opposite way he was raised. But if you guys have survived all these years together as a couple, you'll survive many more, and you have lots of time to think about children on down the road.

He would probably benefit from some counseling or group therapy with others who have experienced similar backgrounds. It's good to be able to find others that relate to you.

I don't know though, this just seems like a tragic story.

Answer 3

Grab a copy of "Toxic Parents" by Dr. Susan Forward and give it to him.  QUICKLY.   Also, give him resources on emotional/psychological abuse.  

Encourage him to visit his natural family.  YES it will help.  And in fact, can the two of you have an extended visit with them there, or several?  Is it possible to re-establish his relationship with them, by living close-by them?   Maybe he can be adopted-back by them?  

It sounds like he needs to escape that abusive family that raised him and put them behind him.  This is one instance where an "emotional cut-off" of them could be healthy.     I also want to suggest counseling to help him heal from and escape from the abuse.  

Answer 4

He's going to have to empower himself to separate himself from them. Maybe if he comes to http://adultadoptees.org and finds himself among others who are hopefully like him, he'll find the strength to know how wonderful he is and how wonderful his future can be if he believes in himself.