How do I help her understand that it's okay?

Question

I recently had a heart to heart talk with my bio Aunt who feels immensely guilty about my adoption. She feels that since she and my uncle helped me out of an abusive situation by calling the authorities when they learned of my abuse, that she is to blame for ripping apart my family. I've tried to explain to her that she saved my life, but she feels like she tore the family apart and denied me a relationship with my grandparents, cousins, etc. Back when this happened, 30 years ago, foster care would not allow any contact by the extended bio family until the child turned 18. My aunt (whom I love dearly) is really torn up over this and I don't know how to help her understand that it's okay, and I'm okay. I told her that she & my uncle are my heroes but she doesn't see it that way. Has anyone else experienced anything similar in their foster adoption?

Answer 1

So let me get this straight...   You want people to accept your feelings, but you want to tell your aunt how she should feel?  I'm very confused.  

It's not your job to help her understand.  She either does or she doesn't.  Maybe she wishes she could have done more for you at the time.  Maybe she wishes she could have kept you herself.  Maybe she is just expressing sorrow over not having seen you for so long.  

Rather than worrying about her understanding you, maybe you need to work at understanding her a little better?

Just a thought.

Answer 2

i would tell her that it is not her not that she is the one who is ripping your family apart.

Answer 3

Sadly, I doubt anything you say will change how she feels, but if you continue to show her how happy you are and how blessed your life has been since the adoption, perhaps she will begin to understand your feelings.  Has she met your adoptive parents?  Is that an option?  Perhaps if she met them and realized the great life that you had, she would feel better about it also.  In her heart she probably knows she did the right thing, but deep down she probably worries that you are just being "nice" to her.  If she can see you truly are happy, perhaps she will understand.

Answer 4

I don't know if this would work or not, but you could try it:

"You have a right to your feelings.  I, however, refuse to look at it this way.  Because of your actions, my family DOUBLED.  I have an adoptive family AND a biological family.  I had a safe childhood, free of abuse after your call.  I understand why you might feel that way, but I don't."

Good luck!

Answer 5

i would go to her house sit down and talk to her face to face and tell her with feakn tears in my eyes that it wasn't her fault that she did in fact save your life and that your okay with that that you could always start a relationship with them

Answer 6

I think Gaia hit it!

Gosh Gaia...that was touching!!!!!!!!! :-)

Answer 7

Give your aunt the e-mails from people, being selective about the good things, that way she knows that generally, people know she did the right thing.

She had a choice, you could have been beaten, and had a family that you probably would have hated, had you survived, but instead, you had good adoptive parents, and now, you have not 1, but 2 extended families.  The more people that love a child, even a grown one, the better!

Answer 8

Not exactly the same thing but, I can relate to how your aunt may feel... I was only 11 when I was the one to report an uncle was abusing his own daughter in a terrible way...

That was so many years ago--and the part of me that is proud I stood up--spoke out and told the story is one thing I don't regret....

But, there was One time in life when my cousin and I were very young adults and my cosin told me she hated me for taking her father away.... We had not seen each other in years and we were still in our 20's but it has been something I have felt bad about since I was told.

She and I have talked since--she has not had a good life but she does understand I did what I did because I loved her....

Your aunt most likely had to live with the Fall-Out of making what was clearly an important call. Too often people don't, too often even a child's family doesn't step in and take the brave and right choice.

All of those years You were Healing and Safe she was living with the other side of the story... It might be hard for her to believe right now after all these years of "Being the One"

Aunts are so fantastic...especially those who love us enough to do something as hard as she did... I would work on my personal relationship with Her and let her know you want to know her as who she is--not what the other family members have made her feel like....

It doesn't mean doing anything big or special---just getting to know each other...and building from now to the future not about the past... In her heart she knows she saved you--and she knows she did the right thing.... but, all this time everyone else has judged her--and that is a hard position to be in...

You sound like a great niece so just be that girl and let your aunt see that she really was right.... You really are fine and now you are back in contact with the family--You were not gone forever....