How do I help my 13 yr old son to be more confident?

Question

He is over weight and not very popular and it breaks my heart when he comes home from school miserable because he has been bullied. I know how smart and funny he can be, I wish other people could see it too.

Answer 1

Gosh. I really wanted to think about this and try to come up with a good answer. It's really hard to convince a middle schooler that they're just great the way they are cause there are so many other influences telling them otherwise.

Bright kids have a harder time, I think, if they don't have steady access to their peers who are also bright enough to "get" their humor. My kids are in a gifted program here in San Diego that is so valuable not only for the academic aspects but also for the social-emotional parts of teen life. Is there a gifted program at his school?

You need to be his life line and keep him talking about what's happening. Try to get specifics from him about the teasing. Aside from his weight, what are they teasing him about? When are they teasing him? My 11 y.o. son is also overweight and I think that I'll get him some undershirts for p.e. so that it's not as obvious that he's a little rolly-polly when he's changing into uniform. No point in inviting the boys to tease him about his "b***s". (These are fairly normal in boys going through puberty.) While it might make sense that he should try to lose weight, it's not really going to solve anything if he's not comfortable with himself. Being popular isn't really a goal. Having a couple good friends who "get" him and who he enjoys is what's critical for this age. Do what you can to cultivate these types of friendships through clubs that spark your son's interest. At our school the kids have been involved in science olympiad. Find out what's available.

Lastly, and brutally, be honest with yourself about his personality. Does he have odd behaviors that you find endearing but others find off putting? Does he respect boundaries? Is he overly loud and in others' business? Is he overly shy? Does he brown nose teachers? Is he boastful and competitive? I can tell you from my middle schooler's experience, these are all unacceptable behaviors for any degree of respect. And we have personally experienced all of them in her friends and peers.  

Sorry to come off so harshly, if I did. Both of you need to remember that middle school is the worst of all of it and that it's only for a discreet amount of time. High school WILL be better and college better still.

Answer 2

Tell him that he needs to be himself and to stand up for himself.

I am a tiny bit overweight myself, but I have realized that it really doesn't matter how much you weigh, it matters how you feel about yourself.

Tell him that.

Answer 3

I've been where your son is.  I was never particularily fat.  My problem was that I moved from SE Alaska to a small farm town in WI.  I never quite fit in with that crowd.  

Kids are evil.  There is nothing in the world that you can do that will change that fact.  Absolutely nothing.  You can not change the rest of the world; however, you can help your son change himself.

First, why is your son overweight?  The reason I ask is that I do not want to be judgemental.  Does he have a medical condition like an underactive thyroid?  If not, the first thing I would do is concentrate on his weight.  Who he is today is who he is going to be tomorrow unless some changes (usually painful ones) are made.  I would begin by addressing his weight problem.  Watch what he eats.  Don't buy junk food at all (if it isn't in the house, he can't eat it).  Buy him a bike if he doesn't have one.  Make him get outside and walk (find a nice place to hike and go on a family outing and hike for two hours three nights a week).  If he spends too much time watching TV, playing on the PC, or playing Playstation, limit the time or get rid of them all together.

Second, I would consider a martial arts program.  I have found nothing better at boosting onces confidence in themselves as knowing how to fight.  Personally, I don't think the type is very important (though many would disagree).  If it were my child, I would probably opt for Juijitsu or MMA.  The reason being that most school fights are one on one without much danger of outside interference (in other words, if you take a kid down to the floor, 4 of their friends aren't going to jump on you and beat you up).  A good ground fighting skills are a huge advantage in a one on one fight.  Besides, training is awsome exercise.  When I was training hard, I was 5' 11'' and got my weight down to 140 pounds.

Third, help him find his niche in life.  One of the problems I faced through my HS years was that I wasn't good at anything.  I was a mediocre basketball player at best.  Wrestling didn't appeal to me.  I was a decent horrer story writer, but the public school curriculum beat that out of me.  If you have a local community college, check out some of the classes there.  As the kids are older, they are much, much less judgemental.  Does your son have an interest in cooking?  Auto Mechanics?  Art?  Sports?  Computers?  Fire Safety?  See if there is a class a few nights a week that you can get him in to help him find something he is good at and has an interest in.  If he shows interest, nudge him in that direction.  Take a class together if it is feasible.  The idea here is to allow your son to gain confidence by learning that he is good at something in life besides a target for ill words and other kids fists.

While on the subject of community colleges, another alternative with this is to send him to summer school at the community college, get some HS classes out of the way, and get your kid the h**l out of that environment by getting him to graduate in 3 years instead of 4.

Finally, I would make an appointment with the principal, his homeroom teacher, or the school psycologist and let them know what is going on.  Get the school to "catch" the other kids in the act and get him off his back.  Tell the school that you want to handle this in a proper fashion.  If nothing changes, contact them again and let them know it isn't working and you'll have to encourage your son to defend himself (back to the martial arts classes).  Even if he loses the fights, he will gain respect.  I absolutely don't want to advocate fighting in school, but sometimes it is the last resort.

My college roommate left school to join the Navy.  While on leave one weekend, we were haning out and he told me a story.  He said he met a small guy that was always picked on in the bars.  The small guy came up with a solution.  When he went to a bar, when people began to pick on him, he would walk up to the biggest guy in the bar and punch him.  If he won the fight, people would leave himalone because he was one tough SOB.  If he lost the fight, people would leave him alone because they thought he was nuts.

I wish you the best of luck.  Going through what your son is going through is no way to live.  I've been there.  Even if it doesn't get better, remind your son that things change after high school.  After HS, people tend to matter because of who they are inside and what they know.  In HS and junior high, what seems to matter is looks, sports ability, and who you know.

Answer 4

maybe you could help him lose some weight.

or he could go to camp?

tell him you could both go to the gym together and try to eat healthier.

its sad to know that kids won't give other kids a chance because of their weight.

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Answer 5

I used to be  just like your son when I was 13. The thing that helped me was getting involved in after school activities that I was good at. I was good at writing and art so my mother enrolled me in a drawing class (something I'd wanted to do for absolutely AGES) after school  on the  condition that I  also participate in  a  physical activity that I enjoyed  each week. I chose tae  kwon do  classes.  After that I had two things each week  that I loved to look forward to  one of which exercised my mind and the other my body.  Within a  couple of months I was feeling happier about myself and also  losing weight. Sit your  young man down and ask him what he wants to  try and be better at, you may be suprised

Answer 6

Have him make a list of the things he likes and his long and short term goals. Together find a way for him to reach those goals.

Answer 7

He seems to be a really cool guy and someone I'd really love to hang out with. I really dislike it when people judge people from the outside. I think the one of the main things is the bullying. Since he's being bullied he probably thinks now that nobody will want to be his friend, plus he feels bad from the kids. I'm 12 years old and I'm not so popular either. I have 2 best friends and I'm perfectly happy with that. Just don't let him try to fit in with the popular and act different. That really doesn't get anywhere, not from experience from me, but experience from others. Just let him be himself, if people don't like that, then it's their fault for not letting a very great guy be a their friends. Maybe if he tries to build confidence and let his humor out at school then people will see that he really is cool. I know that kids with humor are well known. I was the class clown in fourth grade 2 years ago and people seemed to enjoy the humor.

Hope i helped.

- Scott

Answer 8

I was overweight in school and bullied I know it sucks.Now I have a 13 yr old who has a hard time fitting in.Try to get him into some sort of sport. What ever he is interested in. Preferably a team sport where he can make some new friends. Or something like martial arts where he can advance to higher levels, that may make him more confident as he accomplishes these levels some places will let you have your first class for free. If sports aren't his thing go for walks or bike rides with him and keep only healthy things in the house or trick him (thats what I do with my family,Chili, spaghetti sauce I hide so many veggies in there) Don't mention his weight but keep alot of fruit in the house for snacks, make smoothies with yoghurt It is really hard to be overweight. if he asks whats the deal say you want to get healthy that's why you don't have junk in the house. You don't have to go to extremes.Let him indulge once in a while even once a week. Try to encourage him to try new things that should make him feel better especially if you say how proud you are because doing things you are afraid of is hard. If you put him into something he is interested in try to make it social not something that he would do on his own. As far as the bullying, you can explain that people who bully or are mean don't feel good about themselves. I find with my daughter that kids just don't get her and maybe its the same with your son. He maybe has advanced humour that older people get but not people  his age. He might be more mature than them and as he gets older he will find more people get him. My daughter has spent a lot of time around adults as she has no siblings. And I find reading is good for them because they can experience people like them. I find some books really speak to me and its the same for them. I do believe he will find his niche at some point but probably when he is older. My daughter came home one day with a note from a "friend" that said  she hated her and was only pretending to br her friend. We took it outside and burned it and Syd thought that was great and she felt better and if people are rude we find the humour in it and laugh about it. I know how heartbreaking it is when your child has their feelings hurt but your son has a Mom who loves him, and can have a laugh with him and he knows you're there for him. That will help him through life too.

Answer 9

Oh man that pisses me off!!!!!!!

It bugs me when people will judge other people by his looks.

tell your son he is awesome and tell him to try to show his comedic side more there is a kid in my school who is bug but every one loves him  cause he is nice to everyone and if i were you I would tell him to tell them to shut because they are the ones with problems.

Good luck and tell your son ( for me ) that he is awesome!

Answer 10

ASK HIS UNCLE OR HIS DAD TO HELP HIM GET INVOLVED IN A SPORT. I WOULD ALSO GO TO A DOCTOR ABOUT HIM BEING OVERWEIGHT. I AM 13 AND OVERWEIGHT. TRUST ME IF HELPING HIM SHED THE POUNDS WILL GIVE HIM A BOOST IN CONFIDENCE IT'S WORTH IT.

:)

Answer 11

I'm not lying this works. If you want your to be more confident, give him some Slayer, and Pantera and other Metal bands Cds. I'm not kidding. It will change your sons life.

Answer 12

There is a lot you can do.  

1.  Have him Start a diet, high protein, low fat low carbs.  no soda, all water.

2.  Have him begin a cardio program such as running.  Continuous nonstop activity for at least 30 minutes.

3.  Have him begin a lifting program suitable for 13 year olds.  Your trainer at your local gym should be able to help design a program.

These 3 things will promote his health, help him lose weight, while bulking up on muscle.  These activities alone will help build his confidence.

Also, encourage him when he does something well, or does a good job.  Make him feel like he is important and has worth.  

You could also enroll him in a martial arts program, but they are costly.  

I had low confidence issues when I was younger.  I began playing sports, began working out, and started martial arts.  My confidence began to grow and I began to work harder in school and work.  I began to make close friends and network with people not only in my age demographic, but older that could help me when I was ready for a job. Now I'm 25,  bought my own home at 23, working on my doctorate and have already ran for public office, while earning my black belt.

You have to lay the foundation for what he will become.  The teen years are so hard.

Answer 13

What type of activities does your son enjoy? You may consider having him join clubs in or outside of school. If he is interested in picking up a physical activity consider martial arts or boxing. It will not only teach him to defend him self but it also helps loose weight and promotes confidence. If he is funny and enjoys making others laugh try finding a local theater maybe outside of school or an improv class.

If he likes writing encourage him to submit his writing to online and offline publications. Even if they turn him down he can learn from it and try to improve his skill who knows maybe he'll turn out to be great.

Just talk to him and let him know that if he wants to loose weight that you would be willing to help him find a way to do it and even join him at the gym (assuming you are willing).

I hope this helps and you may also see about finding an online community safe for kids his age that might help him find others like himself.

Answer 14

love and praise.

tell him he shouldn't let the other kids bother him,

[and this is going to sound bad, butt --] tell him that the other kids probably are jealous because they aren't as funny as he is, or they don't have a good family like he does.

you can also tell him, that the kids have nothing else better to do, and probably will become bums.

[make sure he doesn't tell the kids that though, just let him know as a secret, and ignore them, they are nothing]

good luck.