How do I help my husband understand that I don't like s*x if he's been drinking?

Question

Alcohol has always been a sore spot in our marriage, but I'm NOT using s*x as a bargaining chip. I don't mind if he has a couple of drinks a night, but it IS a problem because he drinks 1/2 a bottle of vodka or moonshine (yes, moonshine) in a night. He slurs his words, is a lot more rude than he is when he's sober and really clingy among other really annoying things, like grabbing my b***s or butt trying to "get me in the mood". He also totally reeks of whatever he was drinking that night. I feel really bad because I love having s*x with him, and when he's not drunk I LOVE it, but having him wasted during s*x makes me feel - well, awful. When I refuse him because of it, I feel bad too. He gets frustrated and a little upset when I refuse. I've tried gently letting him know that seeing him drunk turns me off, but he just rolls his eyes. He knows I don't find it s**y at all, but he still does it. I'm tired of it. I want s*x, but not floppy drunk man s*x. How can I finally get it through his head??

Answer 1

The first answer was really good.  I would not leave him right away though.  I would tell him to go to AA.  If not you need to go to ALANON.  A help group for family members of alcholics.  I could honestly say if my wife told me she loves s*x with me but not drunk I would not be drunk

Answer 2

My niece has a similar problem with her husband and his drinking.

Simply put, she told him, you can drink all you want, any time you want, just not with me in the relationship. He goes to parties, he looks at it, he thinks about it, but he knows if he takes even one drink, the "party" is over for them.

I am certainly not in favor of ultimatums as a rule, but sounds to me like he needs to make a choice, alcohol or you.

Answer 3

The first thing you need to do is...stop trying to be gentle about this problem , also if he drinks that much moonshine every night , he has a drink problem. You say he gets a little upset when you refuse him ..are you sure it's only a little upset he gets?? It is him that should be feeling bad about this problem not you. Tell him he needs to get his act together ...get some help for his drinking or you are going to cut him out of your life altogether..if this problem is not sorted out soon , I can guarantee it will only get worse and you will spend the rest of your life hating this man . You really need to see this problem for what it is...A DRINK PROBLEM ..don't waste your life avoiding this issue with him, I'm sure you want to have a healthy marriage.

Answer 4

Yuch, being pawed is horrible !! Men can be real dogs some times but the drinking may be a symptom of some other serious personal issue which may will need to be addressed. Communication and straight talk but in a loving way can certainly change things and make him stop and think seriously. Changing the ingrained habit will take time and commitment on his part .I hope he is open to it

Lastly, with reference to the "dogs" comment above ..some guys never get to the intellectual bit so maybe u need to train him to get addicted to sober s*x. Use some re-enforcing during your favorite act.."Babe your so hot tonight - I love it when you.....and its even better without the alcohol..... or something similar

Dogs are trained to react on good behavior . If your partner is like that then use ultra s*x as the teat for "good behavior" . If not appeal to his intellect

Mutual respect = mutual love = longevity