How do I improve the relationship with my mother?

Question

Well, I am looking for some ideas. My mother lives about 7 hours away from me. She has very passive-aggressive behavior. For example, she will give me the silent treatment for months, and I usually have no idea whats bugging her. She won't call me or return calls. The only communication she has with me is text messaging. When ever their is an issue to deal with, she sticks her head in the sand, and acts like its not there.

I have tried the card sending, phone calls and leaving messages( we even got a vonage phone with her area code so it would not be long distance for her, and she still doesn't call), she doesn't seem to do email.

So, got any ideas?

Answer 1

It's tough to change someone who is set in their ways.  It sounds like you have done all you can to try to improve your relationship with your mother.  Unfortunately, because you live so far apart, you don't have the luxury of just being able to ambush her & have her sit down face- to-face.  From your avatar, I see you are expecting. I would think that for the sake of the grandchild, she would try to be on better terms with you.  I think my best advice to you is to just keep trying - perhaps once the baby is born she will change her tune.  

Answer 2

hmmm....I think your mother's behavior is abnormal, insensitive, and indicative of an individual with major personality flaws and minor psychological ones. You are very likely not able to improve anything with her. It is unnatural for a mother to ignore and purposely manipulate her own child. I have a mother that is very similar..... I find it much easier on my constitution to simply share my life with those that care, or at least acknowledge me on a regular basis. I think maybe the issue here is why you want this so badly when she is obviously a toxic person.

Answer 3

I think you should just continue to be good to her and communicate from your end...what she does or doesn't do isn't your fault and you should not have to stress about how to change her.  

Answer 4

you could find a new mother lol.  nah, what you need to do is visit.  go see her sometime.  and my other suggestion is to actually do something with her, like maybe go on vacation with her or something.  but passive-aggression is usually a sign of low self-esteem or even depression, so you have to be prepared for that...maybe compliment her on how great of a mother she was or something, even if she wasn't.  just tell her that now that your a mother (or soon to be, i don't know if this is your first child or not) you have a lot of respect for her and things like that.

Answer 5

It somehow validates her to behave in this way. Maybe she likes all the extra effort she forces people to put out. Keep in touch, a reasonable moderate contact, but don't extend yourself to great lengths, would be my advice.

If she is trying to live with empty-nest syndrome she must find a way to do so on her own. You can't turn it into your responsibility or she will continue to drain your energy.

Answer 6

If she gives you the silent treatment, ask her what is wrong. If she says "nothing" then ask again and again. She'll either tell you what is the problem or she'll change her behavior. I have a similar situation with my father. He is always trying find something that I have done wrong.. to blame me for his own miserable life. She might be doing the same type of thing.  So it might not be your fault at all. She may just be jealous of you and your family or husband. .. and having a hard time dealing with it in her own life. Try to act interested in her life, ask questions about what is happening with her, don't just keep on telling her your end of things...and keep on trying that is about all you can do if there is no one specific incident that set her "off" . Good luck.