How do I keep from becoming "the wicked step mom"???

Question

I got married to a wonderful man a few weeks. He has 2 kids from a previous marriage.(girl 10 y/o,boy13 y/o). The problem is since our marriage the little girl has become distant and a little more than rude. They also live right next door. My husband works a lot of hours and is rarely home. They come over and eat me out of house and home and continue to make messes constantly. They bring their cousins over(from her side) and they show no respect. How can I keep from being the bad guy? My husband is very sensitive about his kids and often more than not has gotten defensive over them. I had an easy relationship with them before our marriage. The daughter often calls her father at work when I am at home alone and they just pop in weather i am at home or not. I don't want to be the "wicked step mother, but this is getting old. Ex: after school yesterday they popped in and was hungry, she ate a big plate of spaghetti, a bowl of cereal, a taco and re-fried beans, a cupcake. Then the rest of her brothers food. This is all the time. The ex-wife is also very hard to deal with, that's another story in itself. Any advice will be welcome.Thanks in advance

Answer 1

You have to set down some ground rules and stick to them.  They will continue to take advantage of you as long as you allow it.  They are working on the knowledge that you don't want to say no because Daddy won't like it.

It's your home so stick up for it!  If they don't like it, oh well, they are tweens and they don't like anything anyway.

Good luck to you with the "new neighbors". You are going to need it!

Answer 2

well me and my step mom get along verry well just try being open with her and him try telling them that they can come to you about anything thats wht helped me open up to my step mom

Answer 3

Step parenting is an extremely hard job, harder than raising your biological kids.  There are so many factors involved!  Here are some things to remember and some tools to help you!

1.  Teenagers eat everyone out of house and home.  That is normal. That, said, always keep your eyes out for issues because eating disorders are common.

2.  If the kids are constantly stopping in, they feel comfortable being around you and want to be with you on some level.  Congratulations. That is a feat for any step-parent or regular parent.

3.  10 year old girls are beginning puberty and can drive anyone crazy with mood swings, but its actually much harder on them. Be patient.

Tools

1.  Take it slow.  This is an adjustment and will take time.  Any changes you want to make, make them slowly.

2.  Work on one house rule at a time.  (Clean all your dishes, put back packs away, etc.)  Just one change and stick with it till they get it.  Could be forever.  Just kidding.  Maybe a few weeks or a month or so.

3.  Make sure your husband is supporting you.

4.  Try and get him home more often.

5.  Time for you.  Make sure you get alone time and time to do what you love.

6.  Date night. In healthy homes, each family member gets one on one time with other family members.  It's not about leaving you out, its about one-on-one time. Make sure everyone gets "fun" time, you with your step daughter or step son, dad with either of them and you and your husband alone.  Keeps everyone happy and reminds them why you are all together!  Because you all love each other!

7.  Don't take over his parenting duties.  This is from # 1.  Slow change.  You don't want the kids associating you with losing more time with dad!

Try and take it slow.  It takes a while and a lot of patience and understanding.  In time it can get better.  Just keep at it!

Answer 4

Being a child of a former wicked step mother I have got a lot of advice for you. First off, don't worry too much about being a wicked step mother. You seem like a nice person and understandable which makes you human and mine was anything but human. First off, usually kids are going to dislike you for the very fact that you are now a part of their life and are taking part of their father away. You just have to learn to find a balance try making friends with them on their level. Take the time to spend a day with them and explain the need to set limits to your husband. If they are making a mess you need to explain to them the importance of cleaning up after themselves. Children usually crave limits. My best advice is talk to each other explain your feelings and needs and let them express theirs. Also remember that while this experience is new to you it is just as new to them and it is going to take time to find a middle ground. Don't worry about becoming wicked, I am sure you are a caring person and will do great as their step-mother.  

Answer 5

talk to your husband FIRST.

make some guidelines to live by. what time the kids can come, what they are allowed to do and who cleans up after them. if their mom is home why are they over at your house eating and making a mess.

don't over react  

Answer 6

im in highschool, so im going to try to tell you what i think, just so you have a point of view some what similar to the age group in question. i have a pretty rocky relationship with my mom, and i know i have trouble with respect because i dont feel close to her. Daughters love it when they can have someone to feel totally comfortable with, like they can tell them anything...and i think this is how mother- daughter relationships should be...so maybe you should try doing things with her and learning about her. Make her feel special and she will want to make you happy and be around you. It might be a good idea to go to the mall, or to see a movie, because she may be less inclined to misbehave in public ( we dont like to embarrass ourselves!!) and it will also be more special that way. Depending on how you and your husband feel, you may not want to take over the mother role, maybe that wouldnt be the right thing, you dont want this girl to think your trying to replace her mom, but maybe a more friendly relationship is a good start and will develope over time. You may be able to do similar things with you new son in law, but it might also be important for him to have alone time with your husband, you dont want him to feel like you have taken their dads attention away...they will probably blame you for it. Once again, i am in highschool and i do NOT have any parenting experience, but i do know why my mother and i have trouble and i want to help in any way i can, so i hope i helped a little, good luck! :)

Answer 7

Be easy-going but lay down some ground rules.  Be specific about what you don't like them doing and what you want them to do instead. It helps if you have some reward system going.  If they do what you tell them, they get whatever.  If they break a rule then they don't get whatever.  Be sure you follow through no matter how much they beg/cry/whine.  Kids are always constantly testing others boundaries.  Over time they'll respect you, especially if they know what they can and cannot do.