How do I know if its sexual harassment?

Question

Ok well there's a guy at work. He's 40 years old, quite unattractive and in the nicest possible way, "alternative" i.e- a bit of a loner. Not many people talk to him as he's a little creepy, but I do, so he kinda always speaks to me. More recently, hes started poking me , (I sit on a seat, so its the upper side of my thigh) with a ruler every so often, and he knows I don't like it however he keeps doing this. He only ever does it when none of the managers are around, and I guess I'm the only person nice enough to tolerate him but its getting a little annoying! I dont believe its truely meant with harm, but he says things (maybe joking, i dont know!?) like " you know you like it" and its honestly just grossing me out. So from an outside point of view, would you call this sexual harassment?! He always says "youre being so boring" if i dont talk, its really quite irritating, but its a close-knit office, obviously no one else knos its bothering me , not many people like him anyway, but i don't want to cause trouble. any suggestions, please. and would you say this is harassment? thanks. x*x

Answer 1

He doesn't have the best social skills, does he? The thing of it is, part of being an adult in the United States is the ability to smoothly fit in at the office or workplace without making people unduly uncomfortable. [Yes, it's your right to wear perfume, no, it isn't polite to put on half a bottle and make everyone around you wheeze.]

I wouldn't call what he does sexual harrassment, exactly [certainly it's bordering on that], but more of just a disabling lack of social skills, that it sounds like he's incapable of learning well at this stage in his life.

I don't envy you: you're stuck in this because you're so nice, and because he's only HOVERING on the edge of harrassment.

IF he takes correction well without pouting or making a fuss, or getting overly hurt, the best way would be to tell him that he's just a little too [familiar? annoying? there's got to be a fitting word that will accurately convey but not overtly hurt him] unprofessional for the work place and that it makes you uncomfortable, and reluctant to work closely with him.

Once he really does cross into sexual harrassment, then you don't have to feel guilty at all about saying something 1) directly to him 2) to your manager and/or 3) to human resources.

Yes, he has a right to act friendly at work; no, he does NOT have the right to make your work day uncomfortable.

Usually the best approach is directness, but with people who are not socially adept, it can be a mine field. I wish you the best of luck.

By the way, there are a lot of really great answers on this thread, but I really liked Bluefast's the best. I admire that honesty.

Answer 2

just stand up in the office and say loudly.."stop f'n touching me u f'n ugly smelly troll" that'll stop him...

Answer 3

if he will not stop poking on you, make a report to the supervisor and take it from there

Answer 4

if it's not it is running pretty close to it.i reckon from the way your describing him he doesn't have much contact with people he works with so once a friendly smile has been extended he is trying to keep it going in his own way.it seems it is stemming from in inability to communicate with people,kind of shocking considering he has found a job.

tell him firmly that you are extremely uncomfortable with this behaviour and make sure another colleague is there to witness it.if you go down the route of sexual harassment you should always make sure there is an independent witness so it can't be misconstrued to being the ramblings of an over sensitive woman.the longer this continues the harder it will be for you to put a stop to it.

and if you don't want to have anymore dealings with him then tell him right out that the behaviour has over stepped it's mark and you no longer can remain friends with him.

good luck

Answer 5

"please stop that"

try it

Answer 6

the stick is only an extension  of his hand

yes it is harassment

Answer 7

all of the 15 or so answers above me are wrong in degrees varying from mostly to completely.

If he is not your manager, or in any authority over you, he is not harassing you.

However, the people who ARE in charge are creating a "hostile workplace" by allowing this to happen, even if they don't know about it.

Your remedy is to document it carefully each time it happens, and after you document he next time, take it to your managers, and instead of saying "sexual harassment" which will get you know where fast, mention that you are concerned management is "creating a hostile workplace by their actions and inactions".

Use those exact words!

I promise you he will get spoken to very quickly, and it will stop.

If it doesn't, document the meeting, including your exact use of those words, and document any other incidents, and then call a local attorney.

Answer 8

I would have to say with all the answers given and your questionable behavior, that so far you (through it was not the intent) opened the door to playful touching and the like. Stop it as quietly and quickly as possible.

Is it sexual harassment? No, and if you report it, your 40 yr old acquaintance will defend himself by offering up every situation and every event that both of you participated in leaving you open to any and all forms of retaliation from your manager all the way down to your co-workers. Note: The cold shoulder is one method, a lack of opportunities is another. Workers need to work in teams and if you can't work with someone on/in a team for fear of harassment then you become expendable. A third party looking at this complaint will nitpick your dealings with this person and try to make it something it is not so......

My advice is to pull this person aside and tell him that playful touching is not the acceptable thing to do because you just don't like being poked at (and it looks bad in front of the other co-workers). Further more your conversations will now have to be limited to office and/or project related topics... assuming if this person gets the hint that your not into him maybe you can have open discussion on why it looks bad and bluntly tell him his playful attempts to seduce you will not work because you have either a boyfriend/husband, dating someone you are already interested in or just want to be left alone for awhile.

Update –

As kathy_is_a_nurse pointed out… "I wouldn't say it is sexual harrassment... yet. I think what you have... by your own words is a socially incompetent guy who's clumsily trying to take your relationship to something else. It's more like a grade school kid pulling a girl's pigtails to make her cry. He really LIKES her, but it's the only way he knows to get her attention."

Leaving us with the same reponse to your problem. Pull him a side and bluntly tell him his playful attempts to seduce you will not work because you have either a boyfriend/husband, dating someone you are already interested in or just want to be left alone for awhile (and if that doesn't work shun him for a while), but keep the bosses out of it as long as you can.

Good Luck

Answer 9

no. its not.

Answer 10

You feel harassed end of. Report him.

Many  people get away with this they must pay

Answer 11

Yes this is, warn the guy because he probably doesn't know.  You should not have to tolerate this behavior at work.

Answer 12

who knows...  are you hot?

Answer 13

it's sexual harassment when the victim doesn't give permission

Answer 14

Sounds like he is testing the waters. I would not say it is harrassment. Maybe you should politely let him know that he is crossing the line. Remain professional, friendly and courteous, but let him know you're not comfortable with that. If he gets offended it's his problem. You may not be leading him on, but all this unattractive guy might think is you are flirting.

Answer 15

It's definitely harassment, I'm not sure about sexual. I'm also pretty unattractive (and have been called such behind my back), and pretty shy. You have to put yourself in his position. He is socially awkward and his whole life he has probably had people be instantly offish towards him based primarily on how he looks. This makes his personality worse and gives people an extra reason to avoid him.

You're probably the only girl in a long while to be nice to him and he naturally feels this is his only chance to receive any kind of relationship. Obviously you don't feel the same way at all and should figure out  a way to gently let him know that you don't like his awkward attempts at flirtation and make it clear that you only want to be office friends.

You seem nice and genuinely care about his feelings, he may not even realize this upsets you so much, so if you report him for sexual harassment he may become even more of a socially awkward introvert. Although you may not have meant to be it, you could be his only friend, or at least his only female friend, and this would be a devastating blow to his psyche and damage him even more than he probably is.

Answer 16

Okay, when he starts crossing the line say, "____, that isn't funny AT ALL, if you don't want that ruler in your eye, I suggest you quit poking me."  If he says "You know you like it"  Tell him, "No what I'd like is for you for you to stop doing that."  Have a serious face. He will probably get mad and say you are a ***** and in two days he will be over it.

Answer 17

I've taken a number of sexual harassment awareness classes, and I have heard the standard that is used is if "a reasonable person" would find the behavior offensive, it is.  There are also factors like contributing to a hostile work environment, etc.

So yes, I think this is harassment, and I think it should stop.  If you feel safe confronting him personally, ask him to stop it.  If not, complain to your supervisor.  Also, keep a record of every incident, including conversations.  Discuss this with a trusted friend.  Even though they are not eyewitnesses, it still gives you added credibility if it becomes a "he said/she said" argument.

Answer 18

Harassment?  Yes.  Legally actionable?  Probably not as you have not taken the responsibility to report it.

Sexuarl harassment?  Given what you presented, no.  No way, no how.  Especially since you have not taken the persoannly responsibility of reporting it.

Answer 19

Yes, it is. Anything that someone does to you that makes you feel physically violated is considered sexual harassment.

I would tell your manager/s whats going on, and how it makes you feel.

And if you're worried about causing trouble, you can always ask your boss, to keep your identity private.

I hope i've answered your question. if you need anything, please don't hesitate to email me. [e-mail]  

Answer 20

I wouldn't say it is sexual harrassment... yet. I think what you have... by your own words is a socially incompetent guy who's clumsily trying to take your relationship to something else. It's more like a grade school kid pulling a girl's pigtails to make her cry. He really LIKES her, but it's the only way he knows to get her attention.

I suggest you take the guy in to a room and privately tell him in no uncertain words. ____, you're a nice guy, but if you want to stay friends... this poking me on the leg has got to stop. It's annoying and embarrassing. I'm saying this to you in private, because I don't want to embarrass YOU. But believe me when I say, if this doesn't stop, I will file a complaint.  Be firm and assertive... but calm. I bet he'll back down immediately. But if he doesn't, be prepared to follow through on filing the complaint... but don't make it more than it is... just one guy annoying another worker and disrupting the work environment. At this point... it is not sexual.

Answer 21

You need to tell him no before you report it. Say something to the effect of "It makes me uncomfortable when you do that. Please stop."

If he does, great. If he doesn't, you need to make sure you document what is happening, that you told him to stop, and then go to your HR office or your manager (if no HR) and tell them what is happening.