How do I maintain my sanity living with my ex-boyfriend?? HELP!?

Question

My ex-boyfriend and I dated for a little over a year, although this was one of the shortest relationships I've had, I have to admit it was one of the most intense and closest. We were very close, I looked at him as my bestfriend. I thought he felt the same. Anyway, the last two months he started pushing me away, going out with friends, no longer inviting me, started a "friendship" with a girl from work (that he refused to admit to until after we broke up...and still denies there is anything romantic). Anyway, this past weekend he broke up with me. I seriously thought we were going to hash it out and agree to boundaries and the like. I DID NOT think he was going to end the relationship. The first couple of days I was a basketcase and stayed a girlfriend's place in another town. I eventually came back to ex-bf and I's place to figure out living arrangements. He makes a considerable amount more than me and told me I could stay here rent-free until I saved up enough to find a place. I don't have anyone else that I could stay with, so in reality I'm stuck here. It's going to take a couple of months to save up for deposits and the like....there is just no other way around it. My question is this....HOW IN GOD'S NAME DO I GET THROUGH THE NEXT FEW MONTHS WITHOUT LOSING MY MIND!! This is just torturing me. He isn't being mean to me or anything, but I'm just living here with him going out all the time, staying in his room when he is here, and it's just soooo uncomfortable! I go to the gym after work to delay coming home, and I have a few friends that I can hang out with, but they all have families and pretty busy lives...so it's limited to when I can hang out with them. It's only been a couple of days since the break-up, so it's still pretty fresh, but I'm afraid that it is going to stay fresh until I'm out of here. I need some serious words of encouragement and maybe some ideas on how to feel better about all of this. I still love him VERY much and this entire situation is just killing my spirit. Please kind words of advice is very much needed right now.

BTW...I asked him last night if he was 100% sure of his decision and he said yes...he thinks this is for the best. There is no option of reconciliation. I just need to maintain my sanity while I am working to get out of here. We both want to be friends after this, but I don't think it's possible while still living together. All I can think about is that girl he is hanging out with. We are 100% DONE.

Answer 1

I'm sorry for your heartache. When my ex & I first broke up, I moved as soon as my lease was up...30 miles away. I also got a library card because there are so many interesting books out there. I exercised and pretty soon, I was dating again. It's a hard road, but it's doable. Just hang in there and try to occupy your mind with stuff other than him.

Answer 2

I wish there was a truly profound answer to give you to make your situation more bearable, but there likely isn’t. About a year ago I was in similar circumstances when my marriage ended. I stayed in the home for several weeks so that I could move out with the ability to support myself and still provide for my children, and also try to make sure my wife could adjust to managing the home without me. Those weeks were tense, anxious, and in the end quite frightening.

Took me awhile, but I found that article:

While difficulties I encountered were different from yours, the reasoning that created them is the same. An article I ran across but a few days ago revealed a lot of why this type arrangement is so troublesome; I can honesty say that not much was stated that I didn’t know beforehand, but it put it in words that I might not have considered.

As painful as any breakup can be, when it is truly final the healing process begins in spite of how the split is executed. The heartache we feel in the midst of it is the reassembling of the sense of self we surrendered in the relationship. We literally let “I” become “we”, a necessity to share aspects of our lives we would normally guard closely. It may seem otherwise, but giving of ourselves like this is not an easy process; and undoing it is similarly not easy. When the relationship ends, and especially for truly involved and impassioned ones, we find ourselves in the position of having to rediscover, redefine and recreate our sense of self outside of it. Some remain so entwined in who they were during the relationship they don’t bother to try pulling their “I” from the lost “we”.

The healing you need to get past this relationship is stalled by the fact that you still remain surrounded by artifacts of the relationship. You know clearly that it has ended, but you live within the domain of the relationship, and this keeps it from being as real to your heart as it should be. As I said before, the path to becoming whole after a breakup is not easy, and the path of least resistance is that with stays in place. So long as you are still in the place the relationship “lived” it will be easier for your heart to stay “in” the relationship. This does not condemn you to being unable to move on under those conditions, but hopeful helps you understand why it is more difficult. Going to the gym, hanging out with YOUR friends, developing an identity and routine apart from the relationship is absolutely the right thing to do, and you should be proud that you can at least put forth the effort to do so. Continue to work toward removing yourself from the environment, and getting to a place where you can have the distance you need to turn the corner. Until then, try to KNOW that you will get to a better place, and see the feelings you have for what they are. While you continue to see him as part of you what he does (and who he is with) will still concern you. God willing, though, you may see some truth in this and be able to reason through the worst of it.