How do I maintain my self respect with my daughter?

Question

My 13 yr old angel (:-) decided to go live with her dad, his girlfriend and their new baby (her 1/2 brother). My daughter bad mouthed me and continues to in order to get in good and quick with the new family dynamics. She used me to get acceptance.

I love my daughter and I am loyal to her. But how do I make it clear that what she did was hurtful, it's wrong and it will backfire eventually?

My ex never helped me during the 12 years I raised her by myself - I was a saint but I did have a rough patch the last year. All of a sudden he and his live in girlfried are parents of the year. It's maddening.

My real dilemma is this: should I throw my hands up and walk away, letting her come to me when she's ready to have an honorable relationship?

Or, do I keep on with the role reveral of the every other weekend dog and pony show?

This is a hard thing for me. People don't judge fathers and mothers by the same standards, and that alone really pisses me off, but it is what it is. How do I gain and maintain some respect and dignity through this, and not totally alienate my precious girl?

Answer 1

I have a similar question to yours.  I last saw my daughter when she was 13. She is now 21.  You can come to your own conclusions about me and learn from any mistakes I made.

Answer 2

i think you should set down and write or email your daughter a nice letter,,tell her how you really feel and at the end put u  will allways love n b there for her,,ill bet you that her dad n his gf lets her get away with alot of things that u didnt,,thats were dads n gfs r not really being a parrent there trying to bribe her into staying,,n she will see threw them n the end,,she will no that  u love her no matter what happens,,u will allways b there for her,,peace "dont ever give up""

Answer 3

Just give her some space. She's 13... she probably doesn't know what to feel.

If there's "bad mouthing" of you going on anyway, it's likely she'll join in with that to fit in.

In a few years, she'll be in a position to make her own decisions and given the clarity of time, she'll realise how much you did for her, and how much you obviously love her.

Sometimes we never know what to say, or what to do... some of us ask friends, some of us turn to drink or drugs and some of us ask a robot to remotely control a sign...

The point is, we all have different ways of coping, and this is hers.

Answer 4

The new girlfriend has her new baby and her new man. She didnt sign up for a moody, sulky teenager with all the grief that goes along with one... It wont be long before the 'it's her or me' ultimatum pops up and she will be back....angry, and resentful.

She is young and hasnt learnt many of lifes lessons yet.

Teenagers are messed up on a good day. No matter how happy the family life....

You can continue your sulky moody pony visits, if she wants to, dont go on about it ,but tell her firmly...once! how upset her actions and comments made you.. dont get soppy or tearry. she will just feel disgust or embarrassment. (its a teen thing)  Be firm, be strong. You will not tolerate disrespect. Tell her you will always be there for her when she needs you and the door is always open....but she needs to show some respect and loyalty in the meantime.   then back off and let her settle in. she will need some space for a while. and you may not see much of her .... this is actually good thing....(i am speaking to you from my experience & maybe your daughters perspective here. I went thru it all too...) except i put my dad thru a bit more... .we need to see a different perspective to truly appreciate what we had originally...

Just personally...... I would do your other option.... walk away and let her come to you whens shes ready to treat you with the respect you deserve....and the love.....    thats what my dad did to me.....

He always said hed be there for me (interstate)  I had moved in with mum, ran amok, came back to dad 5 yrs later with my tail between my legs when things got too hard....... suprisingly after all I put him and my stepmum through...to open, kind arms....hugs and kisses.... to a NERVOUS, but warm welcome... Believe me when i say I had a lot of making up for...It was all about points, and gaining their respect... it took a while but its been all good since.

They deserve medals really! Many others wouldve wiped their hands with me long ago...it took 34 years to get my baby photo on the wall of my stepmums bedroom..... next to her 2 boys.....WHAT A MIRACLE!!!

Answer 5

13 year olds can be painful. When i was about 16 my father who had no hand in raising me came back.Every child wants the acceptance of both parents. When an absent parent gets into contact a child can invest a lot of emotional energy of the parent. At the moment she feels like this wonderful new person is here who will make all her problems go away. At 13 kids often blame a parent or parents for all of their problems. They may also find it easier to just run away rather then face any problems.She will realize at some point that you may have made some mistakes but at least you were there. 13year olds dont have honor! they are mostly quite selfish. the novelty of her cool new family should wear off when she realizes you have done everything for her, i hope by the time she is 18.Good luck, and remember she is 13 dont expect reason, sensitivity or compliance. My cousin did this with her dad, it took only a few months to realize how foolish she was. When she wants to make up be nice remember 13  

Answer 6

She's still a child so it's no surprise that she has acted this way.

You are still her parent and need to take to higher ground. Be there for her and support her and eventually she will see things for how they really are. When you're 13 you don't see things in the same light as you do when you're an adult.