How do I make him love us more than the bottle??

Question

I asked him after almost 15 years together to please give up the drinking or I would have to go. He said pack it and go. (he was drinking but not drunk at the time).He is an alcoholic and I have dealt with this for many years.I felt that for the sake of the kids that I needed to make a stand for them. I do not want them to feel it is ok to drink everyday of their life. He is know telling me I shouldn't have left so deal with it and if I loved him I would not have left him to begin with. He does not think his drinking "to get through" should have any affect on me or the kids. He isn't abusive (he does holler a lott though) he works a full time job sober but the moment he clocks out he starts drinking and works at home in the evening. He says it helps him deal with life. I have tried to get him to go to church with us. He says he won't be a hypocrite. I love him but can't continue to live with everything his drinking causes. I've never left him before in the 15 years we have been married. I'm lost but strong.

Please give me advice.

Answer 1

you're dumb. you should have left him 15 years ago, but

good luck nonetheless.  

Answer 2

He doesnt love the bottle more than you, he is adicted.  There is a very large difference.  And unfortunatly most addicts have to hit rock bottom before they make the decision to do something about it.

You cant help him unless HE wants help, and to want help he first has to admit he has a problem, which he does not.

You have tried to help him, now you have to do whats best for you and your kids.

Answer 3

There should be a listing in your local telephone directory for Alcoholics Anonymous and its companion group Al-Anon.

Only your husband can decide whether or not he has a drinking problem and then go do something about solving it.

Al-Anon is a support group for families and anyone else who has been touched by someone else's alcoholism. There are people there who know exactly what you are going through and can give you empathy and support.

Good luck!

Answer 4

You can not make an alcoholic love you more than the bottle. It doesn't happen. As long as they are working and paying the bills they think everything is fine.

Please stand your ground for your sanity and for the sake of your kids' futures. My husband is the son of a alcoholic and he thinks it's perfectly normal to get drunk every day. I sometimes wonder if he would have turned out differently if his mom had left his dad sooner although I doubt it would have helped since he is the only one of four kids that has a drinking problem like his father.

Answer 5

The first thing you could do is educate yourself about his debilitating disease.  Then you would realize that he doesn't love the bottle more than you.

Addiction is such a terrible disease, and recovery has such a low success rate.  

When you learn more about this disease, you will discover that it is hereditary.  Teaching your children that it is not okay to drink everyday is not preparing them for the road ahead.  Teaching them about alcoholism will, though.

Answer 6

sounds just like my dad, seriously. I grew up with him drinking. I grew up always saying i'd never marry a man like that. My dad admits to his drinking problem though. My mom has been praying for my dad for years & he has just now started coming to church on & off. I can't give you advice except that I'm so glad that my mom no matter the hard times she had with my dad didn't give up on him. She has always fought for her marriage & in the past 2 years she has been faithful to God & church & constantly prays for my dad & God is her strength, keep praying for your husband to get into church that God will change his heart  his thinking, you can't but your prayer & God can, it may not be tomorrow or next year but if you keep praying for him &loving him through it, God will work so don't give up on your marriage I'm so thankful to my mom that she didn't. My dad still drinks he works all day then comes home & pops one open some nights he doesn't even do that anymore other nights he will. God is steadily working on him though but in his own timing, not ours. All the prayer is worth seeing my dad come to church on a sunday morning & having my little girl & nieces & nephews yell Papas here & run up to him & give him a big hug & wanting to sit with him, its a wonderful feeling. Your husband is just using the hypocrite thingas an excuse bc everywhere you go church or work their are going to be hypocrites. Keep your head up & pray. God will work just have faith.

Answer 7

Get rid of him, he is no good obviously. If he loves drinking more than you, there something wrong. Life isn't about alcohol.. and he should realize them. Why stay with a abusive person? You may have been married for 15 years but if enoughs enough then sorry but he has to go. I know this is hard for the kids sake but something has to be done. If you can't stand what he's doing then your kids probably most defiantly can't. Ask them how they feel about this situation. Also on your spare time you can go to places to meet other people behind his back. Don't cheat but if you find someone you really like then you have him for a back up. Its really hard letting go on something that was already there. Even though a lot of people are put through these situations for some reason people stay with them. And thats because they think they can't get anyone else and have a better relationship. If you think that since they're gone you won't know how to support the family etc. But honestly whatever you do, choose wisely because whatever you doing is effecting the kids. Do whats right for your family. Good Luck !

Answer 8

It time to live for you and your kids.  You say he is not abusive physically but he is verbally.  Being abusive with words is worse than physical abuse.  Those words will be with you and your kids forever.  Your children should not be in that environment.  Obviously he does not see he has a problem and is giving you the guilt treatment for thinking of leaving him.  He knows exactly what buttons to push to get his way.  You need to continue going to church.  Talk with your pastor.  The church people if there anything like my church want to help.  Get into a good support group.  All you can do is pray for your husband but you can't change him.  Only God can change him.  And its only if he turns to God and asks for his help can he do that.  But God will listen to your prayers.  He is always with you.  Don't give up.  The devil wants you to give up.  You are Gods child and so is your children.  He wants you to be happy, safe and to live life abundantly.  I know its not an easy road and your children love their dad but its time that your kids be in a peaceful environment.  Your husband may come around but you can't keep wasting your life.  Its been 15yrs.   Separation I feel is a good thing.  And perhaps you and your kids and husband can seek counseling during the separation.  

Answer 9

Well, it's been 15 years that you've lived with it, so he probably thought he was calling your bluff. I bet he still expects that you'll be back.

He drinks to deal with life? So he would rather drink than be with you or the kids? Think about what that means. Think about your role in this. I'm betting life at home isn't all that rosy. Perhaps if you give some real consideration to that, you might understand his need to escape. Then take that need away. I'm not saying you can cure an alcoholic...I'm just saying that you can do your part to try to save the marriage. And go to Alanon and get advice from those who have been in your shoes. Then you have to decide if you want to leave for good or not. But while is sucks for your kids to have an alcoholic father, leaving won't change that. And you'll be introducing them to a whole new world of challenges and hurts. Such as dad not being able to function well when he has custody. And you won't be in control of the situation to make sure they are safe (i.e. don't get in a car with him). Also, they'll be shipped back and forth. And then they will most likely have to deal with the two of you dating others. Just weigh your options very carefully.

Answer 10

Unfortunately there's nothing YOU can do to make him quit. Like any other addiction, the addict has to want to change that behavior. You can certainly join Al-Anon and get advice and support through them. Also see if your church offers counseling services for addicts or their families. Sometimes just knowing that you are making the right decision can help so much.

Since he's a functioning alcoholic (meaning that he can make it to work and work sober) is okay for now, but that too can change rapidly. So you leaving, if that's what's best for you and the kids...well than you made the right choice. I've known too many women who stay and complain, and gripe about the amount of alcohol that their spouse drinks....even facing foreclosure doesn't necessarily put things into perspective for the addict, and as long as you stay...you are basically enabling them to keep up with that behavior. It doesn't matter what he says about how you could stay and this is your fauilt...it isn't. Maybe even talk to him about WHY he needs to get drunk every day in order to face life.

And if nothing else...make sure that you keep your children safe. If he's drinking at night when he sees the kids, he might not put their safety first. And definitely seek some counseling yourself. It can do nothing but help you at this point.

Good luck.  

Answer 11

First of all, coming from someone who works in the child-welfare field, THANK YOU for removing yourself and your children from this situation.  Although he is not violent, he DOES have a drinking problem.  

There is very little you can do for him until HE decides that he wants to put the bottle down.  Many hospitals, treatment and counseling centers can help him quit and hook him up with a local AA chapter.  He also has to identify why he is drinking, clearly he is not a happy man.

For you, congratulations for taking a stand.  You have to stay strong and start seeking support from friends and family.  Strength comes in numbers.  Gain their support, and eventually you will have his.  Remember, you are doing this for your children and their healthy and happy development in the future.

Good luck and God bless!

Answer 12

wack him over the head with the bottle so he can feel pain like you do.

Answer 13

You need to talk to your pastor. This is a serious situation that involves your children and your life, not something that should be answered by a bunch of strangers on the internet. I wish you the best. Pray, and get some solid Christian counseling.  

Answer 14

Why do you think you should give it another go for the children? I s that the role model you think is appropriate for them? Just because someone is a childs father, it doesn't mean they have the ability to be parent. He obviously doesn't care, and has made it obvious where his choices lie - to me you have to question why you want to stay. personally it appears you lack the courage to be alone, and this question is more about you than him.

Answer 15

Stand your ground.  Right now he is trying to blame everything on you and not take any responsibility.  I also suggest AA meetings for you.  They will help you more than Yahoo Answers.

Answer 16

You can't make him do anything, especially give up something he's addicted to. He needs to want to get help on his own, and by the sounds of it, he doesn't want help.  

Answer 17

It's not really about loving the bottle more than you.  There is nothing you can do really...sorry but it's true.  If he wants to stop drinking, he will.  If not, he won't.  Do what is best for you and your kids.  You can offer to support him if he ever chooses to make a change.  There is not much else you can do.  

Answer 18

sweetie,  you need to talk to someone, not just get advice from yahoo.  Good luck.  You need alot more help than we can give you.

Answer 19

As difficult as this was, this was a good decision for your family.  I know you still love him but if he seriously won't stop drinking, forget him for a little bit.  Do not communicate with him for a period of time but make sure you hear how he is doing from others in case he uses drinking as more of an excuse since you left him.  if he really loves you, then he should make an effort to drink less so also tell him that.  tell him that if he wont give up he should drink less often like maybe 3 out of 6 days or something, maybe gradually he will give up.

that would be ideal but if he doesn't then he really doesn't value you, so you will have to forget about him.  you wont be able to force him to love you more. he will be the one to suffer the consequences if his own family shuns him due to his drinking.  

hopefully everything will work out.  im sure he loves you.  if things dont work out, you will have to forget him

Answer 20

First, kudos to you for having the strength and courage to get out of that insanity!

Second, WHEN HE hits rock bottom, THAT is when HE'LL do something about his drinking and not one heartbeat before.

Third, look up Al-Anon in your local phone book and start attending meetings.  It's a support group for all of us out here who are or have lived with alcoholics.  Great place to dump many frustrations without being judged.

Forth, find a professional counselor to help you work through the emotional insanity that you've been living in ~ for you and the kids.  

Your kids are learning their future behavior from you two, their primary caregivers.  If you don't want your daughter(s) to become you and your son(s) to become their father, counseling can redirect the influences already placed on them.

A counselor will also be able to help you figure out why you'd be willing to stay with the alcoholic (functional or not) and how to avoid that same situation in the future, should you decide to divorce and start dating.

Wishing you all the best that life has to offer!

Answer 21

U need 2 leave and when ur gone maybe he'll realize what he's lost and if not then its for the best. u deserve 2 be happy, and honestly i dont know how u have done it for 15 years.

Answer 22

Leaving him, might make him understand what he is losing after a little while.  Though it might back fire right in your face.  Good luck!

Answer 23

First you will have to do what you said, or he will feel that you are making empty threats.  Second suggest to him he go to AA, he probably won't, but you should as they have help groups for spouses, and even for teens.  I would anticipate that he will try and make you feel guilty about the whole situation.  If you stay, you will only enable him to continue.

Answer 24

you can't stop him if he doesn't want to stop.  you have to leave him-he has to hit rock bottom.  it sucks, but if you're staying, you're probably helping him financially, emotionally...you're his enabler.  you have to make a hard decision.

Answer 25

Make a stand for your kids and leave him....they might hate you for a while...but will realize when all of that drama is no longer in their lives... that life is so much better.  

Answer 26

Get a lawyer

Get a restraining order

Get a locksmith to change your locks

Get him the heck out until he completes the 12 steps

Plain and simple

Answer 27

I'm sorry.  He does have to be the one to choose.  You've given him so much and I'm sure he appreciates it inside.  But he is bullying you and he doesn't want to change... yet.  As long as he still had his family intact, he had no real reason to change.  And now that you're gone there is no guarantee that he's lost enough.

I'm really sorry you're life is in this place.  You don't deserve it and neither do your kids.  You've put up with enough and you are right to set the example of not tolerating substance abuse.  You show by example that families can't stand up to this kind of torture.  And you hope that your kids learn from their parents' mistakes.

So what do you do?  You go on with your life.  Without him.  That doesn't mean that he's out of your/ your kids' lives, it means that he is not a part of your daily routine, he's not your responsibility.  He is his own responsibility.  He has the total freedom to sink himself or get sober.  But it is 100% his choice.  No more begging or nagging.  He has to feel that you've given up before the ball will ever really be in his court. I think you know that as long as you're worrying about his drinking he can allow himself not to worry so much about it.  

Move on with your life. Maybe some day he'll catch up with you, but I wouldn't count on it.  Free yourself to be happy and to live without the daily routine of his drinking affecting you.

Good luck and I wish you peace.

Answer 28

dump the guy, and go to your mom's house with the kids. then later file a divorce