How do I make my husband understand?

Question

My husband is a wonderful father, so please don't doubt that. He has his temper though which is getting better. Anyhow I feel that he is overly picky with our two year old son. I try expressing this to him as respectfully as possible and I don't address it in front of our son, but he still has this notion that he is most certainly right if he thinks he's right. For example, our son was playing with his dinosaurs this morning. He was kind of chewing on one of the while he was playing and my husband took the toy from him and said "You lost it because you are slobbering all over this". I mean, he punished him for putting his mouth on *his* toy. I felt that was over the top and my husband says it's not. Or when Connor (our son) had to go to time out this afternoon because he threw a small tantrum, my husband expects him to stand perfectly still without moving an inch or crying or anything. I know I can't expect my two year old to be perfectly still and not move a muscle. I expect him to stand in his corner for his time out and to not move from the corner or mess around, which he does do. When we tell him that he needs to sit in time out, he listens! He goes on his own and stands/sits in the corner for his time out, so he does listen. But my husband is pretty much demanding perfection it seems like. Our son is a very well-behaved little boy, but I still think my husband expects a little too much and is overly picky with our son. He refuses to see my point of view because he says I have to have "valid reasons" why I'm right....so basically I need a 90 page list of reasons that I think I'm right because he has his 90 page list for his points. He's not even open to new ideas like I am. What do I do and how can I get him to see my points and to understand where I am coming from? How do I get him to understand that you can be loving while still being firm?

Answer 1

Hmmm sounds like your husband is my son's father!! Maybe it is a guy thing? Noah is my son, and he is a very crazy kid. Loves to play, be loud and make you laugh. For the most part he is very well behaved but has his moments. His Dad refuses to coddle him in any way and thinks Noah should clean his room and all his toys before he can do anything "extra." He flips out if Noah doesn't put every single one of his toys 'nicely' back where they belong...he is not even 2.5 yet. I blew it off at first but not I make sure I am heard when it comes to how he talks to him. The boy is 2 not 12. I am still having issues with his dad but he is getting a little bit better.

I offer up as many suggestions as I can possibly think of that are different than riding the boy constantly about petty things. You need to tell your husband that rather than him taking the dinosaur from Connor and saying "you lost this because you are slobbering all over it," he should have given him 1-2 polite warnings about not putting things in his mouth and why he shouldn't do it. Then if he continues to eat the stuff take it away to wash it off and tell Connor he can have it back when he won't chew on it. You need to explain WHY to children. To Connor he's like "Why you taking my toy? It tastes yummy and feels good on my teeth." He isn't going to comprehend that there are microscopic germs on things and he shouldn't put them in his mouth.

Also suggest to your husband, rather than getting angry and dishing out time-outs, try getting down to Connor's level and explaining why he did something wrong. If it continues to happen, then a time out is needed.

My son gets 2 warnings usuaully (sometimes no warnings depending on the severity of what he is doing). If after 2 nice warnings he persists then I raise my voice a little, and tell him to get in his room for a timeout. Before I take him out of the time out I make sure I explain to him why he got it in the first place.

Kids are all about repeatition. You and your husband need to be on the same page and Connor needs to know what he can and cannot do. I would definitely talk things out with your husband and if he is that stubborn goto the library and get some parenting books; make copies of things that validate your points and hand them to him.

Unfortunately for my son's father he was such a hard head that I had to adapt my arguments to the way he argued. Now he hates arguing with me because I am just as good as he is and can come up with lists of valid points. If he is anything like my son's father he will back off once he realizes you actually know what you are talking about and you know how to stand up to him in a discussion or debate about things.

Good luck!!

Answer 2

If you two are already in counseling - perhaps you need a new counseler.

Nothing we tell you to say to him hasn't already been said to him by you.  Apparently, this is how he was raised, and apparently you were raised completely different.

And since you are refutting everyone's answer, we can't help you with this one.

Answer 3

Did his parents demand perfection from him?  Does he demand it of everyone, or just your son?  Try to get some understanding of why he behaves this way.

It might be that he just doesn't understand what two year olds can and can't do. Would he be willing to read about it?  If he needs a 90 page list, maybe he could read one chapter of a parenting book that deals with how to handle toddlers and preschoolers.  Or get him to go somewhere where he sees other fathers of two-year-olds, such as swim lessons or other parent-child classes.  He may get a more realistic idea of how dads behave with kids of this age.

It might be that he feels the need to control over everything or everyone.  If this is his personality, it should be obvious from his interactions with you and other people. It may be hard to get him to change.  He would have to be pretty motivated or at least, cooperative.

If all that fails, you could try not to leave him alone with your son too often.  Take on more of the parenting yourself (if you aren't doing that already), at least until your son gets older.  At some point, kids do realize that their parents have different styles, and they adjust.  Unless your husband is extremely controlling or highly perfectionist, your son will probably be just fine.  

Answer 4

Counseling is a great start.  The military background explains a lot with how your husband disciplines your son.  This issue definitely needs to be addressed NOW.  I agree with the other answer on here...pull up some information on typical 2-year-old behaviors (babycenter.com is one site), what kind of expectations adults should have with 2 year olds, along with how to discipline a 2 year old.  Perhaps you can bring this point up in family counseling?  He may need to hear it from a "professional".  

Answer 5

How was his father with him when he was a child, was he the one to demand perfection, or did your husband think he was a failure in his fathers eyes.  if so then there is the start of it.

Then he went into the military where as you said perfection was a demand.  Higher ranking soldiers also had men and women under them that they were in charge of training and making into the next round of soldiers.  The military often feels the best way to train them is to break them first and then rebuild them to be what they want them to be.  I came from a military family, my father was an officer, I was also married to a Marine Captain and this was the mentality of both men.

Your husband has went through a lot of changes as have you.  You have taken the first step by getting into counceling.  If all of your sessions are together then it is time to start taking some of them seperate as well.  this will allow you to speak about what is bothering you and then your husband can do the same then together you can work on them.

Also it is time to go back to parenting 101.  Get out a pen and paper and each of you write down the top 10 things that matter most for your children as far as rules and punishments then compare the lists see where you agree and where you disagree then start talking.

None of this will change over night.  it will take a lot of time and patienence for your husband and you to find a common ground.  Just keep trying to talk and if it means arguing it out then do so, he will see you are not going to back down and then will start to take you seriously.

Answer 6

Buy some books on discipline that give the viewpoint of the child.  Let him read them or read them with him.  He may just be a little rusty and likely doesn't want to "fail".  My husband's like that too.  

Answer 7

Find a resource that shows typical behavior of a child that age and show it to him.  He seems to have expectations that your child can't possibly meet.  Maybe if he understood more about child development he wouldn't be so hard on the little guy.  If he doesn't come to terms with what's reasonable to expect, I think it will damage the father-son relationship, always making your child feel like he's not good enough.  Good luck!

Answer 8

bring it up at counseling maybe a third party that knows you a little better than us on answers will be able to help you better. you can also tell your husband that your son is still young he can't expect him to be perfect and that he is not a solider because that's it seems like he is treating him.

Answer 9

Find a way to fix it (hopefully the counseling will help).  DO NOT try to ignore it or hope it will get better on its own.  I have an 18 year old son who is full of resentment toward his overly strict step-father, and nothing productive has come of it.  As the years went by, I found myself contradicting my husband in front of my son (something I swore I would never do) and creating a situation where he could play us against each other, which I knew would happen.  He is defiant and lazy (partly because he's a teenager and partly because of the environmnet he's been raised in), and feels little affection or respect toward his step-father because he feels like he's always been too hard on him.  Nip it in the bud as soon as you can, whater amount of counseling it takes.

Answer 10

If he has 90 page reason for his actions, and you don't, the question then becomes, shouldn't you be the one to adopt his reasoning???

Answer 11

My husband was this way with our first son (15 years ago).  He expected him to act like he was 10 instead of 1 or 2!  we were both pretty strict and our son was really well behaved,  but my husband expected just a little too much.  

He has changed.  He isn't like that anymore and I think it is the combination that we have had four more children and my husband had motored and now understands that children are children and act like it.  We are still pretty strict and expect a lot, but at least now it isn't unreasonable on Dad's part.  Like I said I think it's because he matured a bit (he was only 20 when we had our first) and because we've had four more children.  Your situation may be different than mine, but I do remember that I couldn't change his point of view for NOTHING!  I finally learned not to try.

Here is an answer that I used recently to a question that is similar to yours.  I thin it applies here as well.

My suggestion is to let your husband discipline and speak to your child the way he naturally does (though, not if he's abusing him of course). It's important that your son grow to learn that his dad is in charge and is someone that he (your son) can trust and rely upon. Your son will learn this by seeing that his dad takes care of him, teaches him right from wrong, corrects his wrong doings and kisses his boo boos. And by seeing that his mom respects his dad. A child will not learn to respect and trust their dad if he/she is constantly seeing Mom criticize and correct Dad in his parenting style. Obviously, I have never seen you and your family together, so I am not at all implying that this is how you are. I am just suggesting that if you are trying to "make him understand" your way, then you aren't allowing him to be the parent he is. Trying to make him to be different isn't allowing him to be the kind of parent he is and children pick up on the other parent's feelings. If he thinks mom thinks Dad is wrong, he will have no respect for Dad's authority in his life, and you can easily drive a wedge between dad and son.

I suggest leaving it be. Your son will adjust to the different types of parenting his parent's use...they all do.

More than likely, your husbnad will notice on his own how your son respond to you as opposed to how he responds to him and if he (your husband) doesn't feel on the defensive from being corrected by you, he'll be more willing to change himself. We all have to learn how to be a good parent (still learning!) and he's no exception.

I think your husband will learn that he doesn't have to be as strict as he is.  More than likely, he has seen so many bad kids out there and he is determined not to allow his children to act like that.  this was my husbands reasoning.  It just took a little while for him to figure out the right balance of discipline and acceptance.

Keep praying for him and for yourself to grow into the kind of parents that children need.  

Good luck!

Answer 12

Is it really about who's right and who's wrong?

He is a strict disciplinarian...which is sorrowfully uncommon these days. He is not abusing or mistreating them in any way at all. Better a bit too strict than not strict enough.

Is he really refusing to see your side, or does he honestly believe your reasoning is invalid?

It sounds like there is a major power struggle happening between you two and the kids are bone of contention right now. Obviously not a good thing for anyone involved.

If you are in counseling together, it is obvious to me he's trying to make this work, and you too.....give it time. He is just trying to be the best dad he knows how.

See his point of view.....EX- MILITARY. Of course he expects perfection...it was expected of him.

Answer 13

How about learning your husband first.Learn who he is and why he does the things he does. It might  help. Maybe he doesn`t know it any other way. Maybe that's how he was brought up.May be he is weak in person and doesn`t want anyone to pick on that,especially his son. He might be confusing being strict for being tough. Sometimes people tend to do just that. As his wife you can`teach him the difference,no, it would be embarrassing for him,but he can learn from someone else another father perhaps.....

Answer 14

Your son could just be curious.He might be discovering something new.You should tell that to your husband

Answer 15

he sounds exactly like my dad with my older brother my dads a lawyer so he knows how to work his way around people but he's a good person. people like that in my view respect a well laid out plan make a list of the things you view could improve and remember to consider the core issue  

Answer 16

your husban must understand that he is no longer in the military world and that your son is not a cadet

He is his 2yr old child!, Being around other families with children  the same age will help him see what is normal behavior and parenting books and lots of counseling

please protect your son from this overbearing man.

Does he show any affection at all ?  hugs?  towards your children

sounds like they programmed your husband well in the military - watch out