How do I manage the transition from being a mom to teenagers to being a mom to young men?

Question

My twin sons are in their second year of college. One is moving to a shared apartment, and seems to be transitioning very well, his grades were good, and he really likes his college city. His brother had academic problems, and cannot return until he finishes his lower division requirements; so he will be living at home for at least the next year. I was all set for an empty nest, and now find myself with a new situation.

I don't know where to start as far as setting rules, because he's already had a taste of independence.

Answer 1

You hit the nail on the head.  I call it "house rules."  Creating them for your returning son before he settles in is a great idea.  Independence is wonderful, but living with other people, namely parents, means certain considerations need to be honored.  He may not need to come home every night, but should he let you know?  Is he allowed to have women overnight?  Will he pay rent?  Will he have chores?  Even when in a dorm or apt, everyone needs to contribute and communicate.  Setting rules that make sense for both of you will make the transition go better.  Clear rules and stick to them.  I do think some kind of financial contribution on his end will only help him recognize the value of money.  As far as you go, some of your peace and quiet will be slipping out the door when he arrives with his duffel bag.  Make sure you have the house to yourself sometimes and continue to focus on some of your own dreams and aspirations.  That said, I will tell you we just went through a "return home" with my step-daughter.  She was with us for about 1 1/2 years.  Yes, I wish we had set a few more "house rules,"  but.....what total joy, to have her day-to-day, all grown up and amazing and finding her way.  To be a part of each others lives every day, to have her spend daily living with her younger siblings....to get to know her as an adult, as you only can when you are living together....wow.  Heaven.  Good luck and take the steps you need to make this the wonderful opportunity it can be!  

Answer 2

You set rules by what YOU are willing to live with. Set them now before he gets too comfortable. Sit down and talk to him about what you can live with and then stick to it. Think about situations that might come up and decide what you want. For example lets say he stays out all night and you expected him home. Adults who care for one another would let the person they live with that they wont be home. It is just common courtesy. Also tell him you could add something anytime because you do not know what could come up. Its your house your sanctuary and if the people in it are causing you stress you have every right to set any rule you want.

Answer 3

As long as he is in your house, he must abide by your rules. You need to spell out the rules for him. He has to check in with you. He has to be in the house by a certain time (so as not to rattle the household by coming in too late). You have to meet anyone he brings into the house. He has to clean up after himself and also do certain chores.

His grades come first and foremost.