How do I overcome the fear of getting divorce from an abusive husband?

Question

I don't love my husband. He used to be emotionally, mentally, verbally, financially and sexually abusive. After I threatened him to leave and he believed me, he has been trying to change. But all my love has disappeared for a long time now. I don't know if he is changing, or I have adopted a defense mechanism and adjusted my personality to reduce the tension. The thing is I don't like my personality when I am with him. I have lost my confidence and I want to gain it back. I have developed a lot of fears and self-doubt. The more I try to get my confidence back, the more I fail. Because I have to behave in a certain way with him. So the only solution I think of is getting divorce and living apart so that over time I could find myself again, because with him it's impossible. The thing is I don't have any motivation to better my relationship with him or hope to change him for the better. He is who he is, and I am who I am, and I think we are not compatible. I got very depressed while ago and saw a counselor and she pointed out to me that I am too tolerant and I am ignoring my needs and justifying his behavior and he is indeed abusive.

How do I overcome the fear of getting divorce?

Answer 1

What are you waiting for then?Do you have kids?If not I would absolutely walk away from this marriage because lets face it you only have yourself to make happy not him.

Answer 2

Just think of your life after the divorce at everything you will do after it,time heals all wounds!life has a way of surprising ya girl ,keep your nerve and enjoy life, f. him!

Answer 3

Just close your eyes and JUMP -- there will be a net.  

Answer 4

I was you......you need to see someone who specializes in abused woman....I went to group therapy and personal therapy for about 2 1/2 years....you need to start thinking about yourself and only yourself....I left him and now have married a guy who is great and last month when my ex called out of the blue and I was talking to him I could hear how screwed up he still is and how much I have grown..so please go see someone specialized in this field I came out the other side whole and you can too.  Good luck

Answer 5

You just do. If you don't get out now while you are trying to muster the courage you might never get out. You don't want to regret spending your life in misery when there is so much life and great times to be had without the ******. Just do it. Run away as fast as you can. Go to family or a friends house and never look back. Good luck! You can do this. Once you do, you will fill like a hundred pound weight was lifted from your shoulders and you will have a new lease on life - I know all I have through experience.

Answer 6

Don't start with a divorce.  Just leave.  Get your stuff while he's at work and find another place to live.  Don't talk to him about it, and don't explain yourself to him until after you've gotten some separation for awhile.

You will be depressed, because as bad as your situation is, you are still not alone, and people (normally) will do anything rather than be alone.

Meet other guys, maybe even have revenge s*x with a few of them (Sounds crass, but it's therapeutic).  Once you've learned you can work and think on your own, then see your husband and discuss reconciliation or divorce.  Either way, make sure it's on YOUR terms.

Emotional abuse is the hardest, because there's no one thing you can point at and say "There! I'll leave if he does THAT."

Answer 7

You have to tell yourself that you only have 2 choices in this matter .

Stay with him and continue to feel this way or leave and keep your sanity .

Leaving an abuser is a very hard thing to do . After so much abuse you feel that you don't deserve any better . But that is false belief .

Tell yourself that you can and will leave , that you DO deserve better , and that there is nothing to fear except fear itself .

I will tell you from experience that for a while abusers will seem like they are changing but this is only temporary . It will eventually go right back to the same old way .

And you yourself should not change for any one but yourself .

Your counselor is very right . You are too tolerant and you are ignoring your needs . And by you staying with him you are justifying his abuse .

Ask yourself why you would want to stay in a loveless marriage when there are so many men out there that could give you the love and respect that you deserve .

Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself very firmly that you are leaving and you are leaving now . That nothing will stop you from finding the happiness that you deserve to have .

I have found that by doing this it helps to convince yourself of what you need to do .

Every one deserves to be happy in their life and you are no exception to the rule .

I wish you all of the best .

Answer 8

Perhaps you could move out and live with family, friends or in a refuge. Being around normal or supportive people would help you get a better perspective on what you've been putting up with and why it would be a good idea to divorce. It sounds like you've already made your mind up and are getting around to putting it into action.

Go for it girl! Get out and love your life!

Just do it!

Next time you leave the house, just don't go back.

The police will be able to help you in to a refuge if you can't stay with people you know.

Best Wishes!

Answer 9

You need to understand that getting a divorce is the right thing to do in this situation.  You can not change him.  By divorcing him you are becoming a better person.  You need to find youself and enjoy life. You have the right to be happy and free from this man without having any fear.

Answer 10

I'm confused... you say he has been trying to change. Then you say your counselor says he is indeed abusive? Or maybe he's trying to change, but he can't help it and is still abusive? Is he aware of this? Have you told him this?

You say you don't love him anymore, which resulted from your defense mechanism. Does he know this?

Anyway, if your mind is set on divorce, then get busy with something so that you don't have to think about it all the time. Otherwise, talk to him about how you feel because I get the impression that he still loves you and is willing to change. You should both talk to your counselor and not only you by yourself.

Answer 11

Just think about that next black eye and swollen lip. That should help huh?