How do I reinitiate contact with my birthson's parents to re-open the adoption?

Question

This question is in addition to my other question about how to tell my family about a second adoption...some background on my second birth child's adoption, the adoption was going to be fully open, we had phone #'s of the family and addresses and the last name. However the adoption agency we all used botched the adoption and made both sides very angry at them because they allowed a ton of balls to be dropped. Which was communicated with each other. One of the balls that were dropped by the agency was the payment of the medical bills. By state law when our child is placed for adoption all medical bills are taken care of by the adoptive parents. I was being harassed by bill collectors not wanting to follow state guide lines to not collect from me, after having to go through all the leg work after 1 1/2 (that the agency that had been paid already was suppose to take care of did not do) I had to finally start going straight to the adoptive parent, this with many other issues because of

Answer 1

I'm an adoptive mom with no contact with our bmom by her choice. I would welcome a letter from her saying she would like to establish contact. I think you should send a simple note saying you would like to have contact. Mention that you're sorry some things didn't go smoothly during the adoption, but I don't think you need to go into any details.

Answer 2

Wow that is a hard one.  Maybe you should just come out and say it.  Write them and just explain everything that is in here.  Did they have hard feelings towards YOU for having to ask for medical bills.  Its not like you backed out on letting them adopt your child.  I mean they could have sued the adoption agency.  If that was really the concern.  I dont think a letter and picture should be to hard of a gesture to stay in touch.

Answer 3

Hi Daisey,

I read your other posts so I'm somewhat familiar with your situation.  First let me say, you are absolutely doing the right thing by trying to initiate communication with your son's adoptive family.  It was intended to be an open adoption, right?  That means they did recognize the importance of having both families in their adopted son's life.

By now the hospital bills are surely paid off, so focus on  building a relationship first.  One suggestion would be to send them a little package.  This could include current photos of yourself, your husband, & your other son.  Be sure to label the backs of photos with names, dates, ages, etc.  Maybe even put them into a mini photo album.  

You should include a letter for the adoptive parents.   I wouldn't dwell on any financial aspects of the arrangement.  Instead, say how you have been thinking about the importance of family lately, and you are sure that some day your son is going to have those feelings too.  Many questions will arise for him.  You might share that you have been researching the effects of adoption on adoptees and you want to make yourself available so he will not have those future concerns.  Give them the green light to contact you any time about anything.  Tell them you prefer to keep the lines of communication open directly with them instead of using an agency which can be unreliable, and that you hope they feel the same way.  Let them know you understand that they are his parents and you know they want what is best for him.  Reassure them that you do not intend to try to make decisions for them, or in any way overstep boundaries.  When they see how respectful you are, they will probably be more receptive and less threatened by your intentions.

You could also include a little gift for your son such as a snuggly stuffed animal and a card.  If they do not give it to him right away, they will probably save it to give to him later.  At least he will know that you thought of him and tried to do the right thing.

Be sure to include your full name, address, phone number, and email address for them.  Always notify them if any of that information changes.  Let them know you are open to whatever level of communication they feel comfortable with.  Good luck with your future relationship with them, Daisey.

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 4

This might be a great time of year to try and rekindle. How about sending your child a Christmas gift along with a note to the family expressing your concern about how bad the communication has become? I would lay ALL the blame on the adoption agency and ask for their input for how to reestablish ties. From my research, it seems that adoptive parents get more willing to maintain contact the longer the adoption goes on -mostly because they feel more secure. This is probably good news for you because they might be more likely to be open to your suggestions. I hope so-for your child's sake. Good luck. :-)

Answer 5

Go to the courts and petition the bench for a redress of the adoption proceeding.