How do I respond to insensitive comments made in front of the kids?

Question

I have two related children who have been placed with us after a traumatic experience. Their mother died not long ago, and now their father cannot parent. Our neighbors know these kids well as they have spent much time with us in the past. Word has spread that they are now living with us and these are some of the comments we hear in front of the kids;

"we are so happy for you!"

"you are so lucky" (directed to the kids)

The clincher was this am when a person approached me on my way to school with the seven year old and said

"I hear you have two more kids. Did you find them in the cupboard?"

No Joke. I was stunned. My nephew was stunned. We love these kids and have welcomed them into our family but we understand that this is not a "happy" situation. It is sad and the kids are struggling.

Any advice on how to deal with these type of comments? Has anyone had this experience?

Answer 1

I haven't had personal experience, but my neice is adopted and people always make comments about her being white, like "you can't even tell shes adopted" and things such as that. If anyone says anything about them being lucky, say we are the lucky ones to have these great kids.

It will probably die down once the newness has worn off, but maybe just talk to the kids and tell them that some people just dont understand and we have to just smile and ignore them.

Good Luck and God Bless

Answer 2

I don't really understand what the person meant by the "cupboard" comment. Was it an "Old Mother Hubbard" joke? Either way, not funny.

You should tell your neighbors privately that these kids have gone through an extremely traumatic experience and you'd just like for them  to feel comfortable and adjust to living with you. Other people shouldn't comment on the situation even if it's supposed to be lighthearted. What you're doing is a very nice thing - and you clearly care a lot about the wellbeing of these kids.

Answer 3

When the kids are present, follow it up by ignoring the comments and saying something positive about the children.

Answer 4

I don't really know what I'd say right off the cuff, but since you know them, you can call a "coffee session" later and talk this out with them.  Explain to them why these comments might be hurtful to the kids, and maybe give them some ideas for reading material.  Ask them to put themselves in the kids' shoes before they say anything.  I'm sure they'll be receptive to this information.  They sound like caring people, but the general public has no clue how hurtful comments like these can be (I know this personally...until recently, I was in their shoes!).

Answer 5

When people say things like, "We are so happy for you." I truly believe they don't understand that some people aren't emotionally ready to hear that or still dealing with a loss.  So for those inviduals I would say to them, "No actually I'm the lucky one," and let them know that where you know they're trying to be supportive that it's not in their(the kids) best interest to make those type of comments about your situation.

As far as the people cracking jokes bomb on them.  Stick up for your kids & let them know that these jokes are unacceptable.  Prove to your kids that being adopted or dealing with their situation is not funny and should not be made light of and that they have every right to stand up for themselves..  Put that b** or anybody that makes those type of comments in their place.

Answer 6

I don't think people mean to be ugly.  They just don't know what to say.  The cupboard person was kidding and you need to learn to brush things off.  I would come up with a nice response when people say the kids are lucky.  What they MEAN is "you are lucky to have a nice home because it could have turned out worse."  They just don't think about the fact that the children have lost so much.  

Your response could be "we feel fortunate that we all could be a new family., no matter how tough the circumstances that brought about this blessing."  That way you tell the kids they are a blessing, but you let the adults know they are being insensitive.  Odds are, if the kids are young, they may not catch all the nuances that you do.  

Please be sure you have these children with a child physchologist in addition to your loving help.

Answer 7

My son is 13 and he now has his own comeback. He tells people that WE are the lucky ones to have such an awesome & good looking kid.

I also hate when people tell him how he should be grateful. The last time someone told him that I just inocently asked "Grateful for what" that was all it took for this person to realize they said the wrong thing.

Answer 8

Scream??  Pound your head against a brick wall?  Better yet, pound their head against a brick wall???  Seriously, I know that the typical, average person doesn't really have a clue about fostering or adopting children, but who, in their right minds, would be so insensitive to children who had just lost their mother in death, and their father in their everyday lives?  

I get angry when people tell my adopted children how lucky they are.  They aren't lucky.  If they had been lucky, they would have had parents who could have cared for them and kept them safe, and they wouldn't have to deal with the wounds and scars from their early years, and from adoption itself.  

My mother gave birth to 7 children, although one did not survive birth.  After about her third pregnancy, a s****. friend of hers said to her one day, "So, you're pregnant again?"  My mom, who I never ever thought of as cool, had the coolest come-back I've ever heard.  She told this "friend", "If my first one had turned out like yours, I'd have stopped, too!"   LOL   I couldn't believe that story when she told it.  My mom was cool, at least once!

Answer 9

When people make these kinds of comments, they do so more out of ignorance than malice.   They don't really understand the hurtfulness of these statements.

When people comment how "lucky" my children are that I adopted them, I usually say, "I am the lucky one!"

Answer 10

I would just talk to the kids and tell them that people will make comments and that it will be difficult to understand what they mean because they are not in the situation

Answer 11

Tell them how you feel , but as adults i think they should know better ... and since i think they should know better i'd have a hard time not being rude to them ... or having my hand meet their face.

Answer 12

I have 3 sons and the oldest one is adopted.  My father came up with a great response when people would make comments about my oldest son being adopted.  

He would tell them the only difference between the 3 of them was   that my oldest son was store bought and my other 2 sons were homemade.

My oldest son is now 20 years old and he still refers to himself as the store bought one.

Answer 13

Anyone who has fostered or adopted has gotten at least one rude comment.  I am so sorry that stupid people say stupid things in front of children!  It is the lowest and most insensitive form of rudeness.

I, and other parents, have tried out some of the following:

1. That's really an odd thing to say.

2.  Oh, my, that's not the way it is at all.

3.  You know, it really is a lot more complicated than that.

4.  That was kind of crass, wasn't it?

5.  Oh, my, gosh.

6.  That was an unbelievable comment.

7. I know you don't really understand.  But that is just not right to say.

8.  You know, this is really our family business.

9.  You know, this is really not anything that concerns you.

And, of course, then walk away.  No anger, no put down, no screaming, just turning away from an insensitive comment.

Then, when you get home in private with your children, talk briefly about it.  Good luck!

Answer 14

I would have been livid if someone had said that to me. I'm only 18 but I plan on adopting two kids when I get older. I would have told that man to keep his opinions to himself and that he should apologize to my children for being so rude! I can't believe people are that rude to others.

Answer 15

These rude people will always be around.  You can't stop them from being stupid.

Just smile and say - Yep - so happy they  have chosen us!!

The children need to hear you say you are glad to have them.

Think of these rude situations as a way to vocalize that joy FOR THE CHILDREN.

Who cares what the idiots think.  The children know the situation is awkward.  Seeing you handle it in a positive way will teach them to handle it well in the future.

Answer 16

You need to address the situation immediately, but separately.  Talk to the kids.  Tell them that the person doesn't mean to say things that might hurt their feelings of bring back thoughts of loss.  Make sure that they know that it is OK to miss their parents, and that the parents love them very much (I assume they do).

Talk to the person that said it, but not in front of the kids.  Make sure they understand that the kids are in a difficult situation, but don't violate the children's privacy.  Also, make sure that they realize that they probably hurt the feelings of such precious children.

Above all...be understanding.

Answer 17

I think its best to be gracious and kind at all times. A hash word to what you think is an insensitive comment could alientate someone.

Obviously these people don't know any better. It would be best to say.

"Yes, we're very pleased to have them staying with us." and change the subject.

Answer 18

Oh dear GOD.......people can be so stupid!

If they are being this insensitive infront of the children then you NEED to correct these people infront of the children.

Nip it in the bud NOW!!!! And if people have a problems cut them out of your life.

Answer 19

check out this link

http://www.informedadoptions.com/index.p...

It has answers to the stupid question people ask adoptive parents.

Answer 20

As a commedian once said..."You can't fix stupid."   So true.

Since these are your neighbors I would call upon them and briefly, not too much detail, let them know what's going on.  And that those kind of comments are further hurting these kids.  If they still continue to tell these kids how lucky they are, I would ask them not to speak to me or the children until they can learn better.

If you should encounter someone again while the children are with you who says something like this I would simply respond with something like how great kids they are or something positive about them.

As for the cuppard comment I would simply look at them like they are the most stupid person on earth, shake my head and not bother to respond.

Answer 21

I would have just said "Better than anything you'll find in your cupboard" and walked on as you gave your "adopted" kids a wink

Answer 22

In the cupboard?!  I would have kicked her in the shins.  Although, I don't think that would have helped, it would have been a pleasure.  

I think you could easily have said:  What a disrespectful comment!  We are together because we love each other and want the best for our family.  If you were so caught off guard and didn't come back with a comment, definitely address the issue in private later with the offender.  (Maybe call the offender and let the kids listen in on your end of the conversation.)

As a child, I often saw and heard my mom field comments and even the occasional jibe with aplomb.  Her answers/responses became my answers/responses.  So the kids NEED to see and hear how you respond.  I also bet they want to see you defend them.  I credit my mom with giving me a healthy attitude and some handy comebacks.