How do I respond to something like this?

Question

I have been emailing back and forth with a lady who is like a mother to me (her husband grew up with my mom), and whose son is one of my best friends. He's in the Marines and is in California right now, and he got married just after getting back from basic training in 2004. His wife was living in California also, and while he was temporarily stationed elsewhere she got into some pretty serious trouble for child neglect. They let her move back to Montana, and she is now living with her parents and has their three children (3, 2, and 8 months) there, also.

She's living in the same community as my friend's parents, and they are pretty much raising their grandkids because she won't even so much as feed them. My friend is supporting her entire family, and while they own their own house, that leaves his money to pay all the bills. His wife has no ambition to get a job, nor does her family, and she refuses to take care of her children. He knows about this, and is going to deal with it when he gets home in 18 months, but in the mean time both him and his mom are leaning heavily on me for support.

In the email she sent me last night, she said, "I really wish he had married you instead." I'm married, with children... and while I love my friend dearly, having practically grown up together makes that even more awkward. I don't know how to respond to that, or if I should just pretend that she didn't say it! With all that's going on and the stress she's under, I don't want to upset her more... so what do you think?

Answer 1

Sounds to me like she was giving you one of the biggest compliments she ever could: saying that she would have loved to have had you for a daughter-in-law.

I think it would be wisest to just let it be this time, but if she should ever say something similar in a conversation, I like the advice offered by the other responder: just say something about how it's a very sad situation but there can't be many women around who would have caused her the heartache and headaches her current daughter-in-law has.

If you suspect she's dwelling on this thought and perhaps even wondering if it might happen for real one day, maybe you need to start saying more to her about how happy your life is and how you feel blessed to have the husband and children you do. It would obviously have to be worded carefully so it doesn't come across as gloating or boastful, but I imagine you must feel very fortunate to have the life you do when your friend and his family is going through such difficulties.

Answer 2

I wouldn't make to much out of what she has said, just continue to email her and encourage her in whatever way you can. I don't understand why this guy is going to wait 18 months to come home to fix this problem..surly he can get time off to deal with a very serious problem...maybe you should ask her about that..it seems very unfair that he is allowing this problem to be dumped on his parents lap.

Answer 3

dont put so much focus on it. you know? just tell her most girls are nothing like the woman he had children with