How do I respond to the accusation that because my parents are deceased I am not a family oriented person?

Question

I've had someone tell me over and over that it's weird that I keep my family at a distance. My parents are deceased and I've been working slowly on repairing the trauma of that with my siblings. We see each other in small but quality filled amounts and don't get disappointed if we can't see each other during holidays whereas my bf's family guilt him if they can't see him twice a year.

I'm due with child around Christmas and his mother wants to come "and help" with the baby, but I want to incubate for a month before anyone even touches the baby but me and his dad. He didn't understand my wishes and said I was a cold hearted person...because my mother is gone. the thing is, I don't know his mom very well and I don't want to get attached to her if I am unsure about marrying her son. What is the best way to handle potential inlaws when there's so much that is unanswered?

Answer 1

It's her grandchild too, despite what has gone on in your past.  The baby might bring you and her closer together, as you'll have something in common.  It doesn't matter how much she helps - that baby will ALWAYS be your baby no matter what.  But don't exclude her as the early days pass so quickly and life is always welcome within a family and everybody wants to share the joy.  It is irrelevant whether or not you;re sure about marriage.  She will always be the granny and your partner will always be the dad.  Having a baby opens up feelings you never knew you were capable of.  Just relax x  

Answer 2

He's trying to guilt you into the family thing.

Answer 3

Why would you have a baby with someone that you are unsure of? I think the mother in-law has a right to want to be involve.  Its her grandchild for goodness sakes.  

Answer 4

I can understand your wishes to incubate with the baby for the first month but after that I think you should let his mom see her grandchild. You say you don't know if you want to marry her son, but you've already effectively made sure he'll be in your life forever by having his child. It sounds like his mom is trying to do a nice thing and there's nothing wrong with getting close with her, even if it doesn't work out with her son.  Let her see the baby after the month is up.  

Answer 5

Everybody deals with tragedy differently.  It's insensitive for someone who has his family to make accusations about you being "cold" or whatever when he has no idea what you're going through.  That's a really jerky thing to say.

As far as his mother "helping"...it's your baby.  You don't want "help", don't accept it.  Now, I will say that it's a very common thing in some cultures for women to have people around for the first month to help the baby and mother settle in and all, but if you don't want the help (intrusion, whatever), that's your prerogative.

If you're dealing with your grief, it may be gradual, but you're making progress.  Grief takes time, and relationships that didn't have anything wrong with them can suddenly go haywire after death.  That's not anybody's fault, and it doesn't mean you're not family oriented or whatever.

OK, like take my relationship with my therapist.  I love him to pieces.  He's a fantastic person.  But I met him because my last therapist died suddenly, and for about a year, things were tense and horrible between us because I was in the middle of grieving for my last therapist.  That had nothing to do with my current guy--he just happened to be there while I was dealing with the fallout from a completely separate issue.

We weren't able to meet under normal circumstances, and our relationship was strained for quite some time due to my grief process.  That wasn't his fault, and after I got over my grief (which he helped me with, by the way), I was free to build a relationship with him and now things are great between us.  Plus, I trust him completely because he was there for me when I was miserable and lashing out at him and he had no way to fix things besides just being there for me.

Nobody knows what you're going through but you (though your siblings have a good idea, since they had the same loss as you.)  You may need some therapy to learn how to move on and set proper boundaries (since you're grieving, you may go too far one way or another with new relationships--your trust is all screwed up at this point.)

You're grieving.  The people in your life need to cut you some slack and stop making mean assumptions about you.  Be strong and stand up for yourself because they're talking S**t right now and you don't need that.

Answer 6

I wouldn't have any hard and fast ideas about accepting help when the baby comes, I wouldn't have them in the house however, ask them to come but to stay in a motel or something. I don't think this is an issue about your own parents, it makes sence not to get too involved before you know where your relationship is going. But don't cut yourself totally off, find the middle ground. Good luck x

Answer 7

Personally I don't think you should keep the baby away from people for a month. They need to be able to fight off different things. Not saying you should take the baby around people that are sick but they need to build up their immune system. On the family part.....no one can understand where you are coming from unless they have been through it too. If you plan on marrying this guy you are going to have to get used to being around his family some. There are times you won't be comfortable but you have to do it for them. You need to figure out yours and your bf situation first and go from there. Good luck!

Answer 8

Sweetie you have to let you guard down sometime!  I think it is a very nice and reassuring gestrure.  I'm sure she is a nice lady, why don't you ask her to come a week or two after the birth and only stay for a week or two.  It's at least I start.  And who knows, maybe she will give you some comfort.  I'm sorry for your loss.  

Answer 9

i understand what you mean about not wanting to get attached, but you also have to remember, that it would be a great bonding experiece for your child since he/she will only have one set of grandparents weather or not you and your bf last.

you are not being cold hearted you just dont have a mother of your own, and handle this differntly than his family!!

i live next to my parents, grandparents, brother, and aunt so i am very family oriented. my bf lived with a cousin/sister and mainly grew up just with his parents so he was kinda i guess, scared about seeing my family all the time! he just hangs out with 1 or 2 for a lil bit!  and you really should do the same

but at the same time they should respect the fact that you wanna incubate, ultimately its your decision and he shouldnt guilt trip you into doing something you dont want to.

and another thing, you and your siblings arent that close so maybe he wants his child to have solid family connections.

Answer 10

My mother in law used the not family oriented line also. It's a manipulation tactic to her her way. Now your future MIL might have good intentions but don't let what SHE believes to family oriented to be whats right. Do what is comfortable for you when your baby is born. I wish i had.

Now my proof to  just how much I was family orientated is how well adjusted my kids are.

Answer 11

You are in such a delicate situation.  No one should dare to accuse you of being cold-hearted and you have every right to feel protective of yourself and your child.  I think you are on the right track.  If possible, get your siblings to help you out when your child is born, by going grocery shopping, cooking and cleaning your house.  If you have an instinct that the father of your child is not sensitive enough to understand your wishes, then go with the instinct.  Hoping the birth is happy and "uneventful" and wishing luck, love and strength!