How do I solve this wedding gift dilemma?

Question

I was a guest to a wedding with my boyfriend awhile ago; his sister was getting married. His family was not very happy, though, because another family (his aunt/uncle, and their children and guests) apparently gave "very small" presents. Now his cousin, of that same family, is getting married. I was told that my boyfriend's mother wants all of us (meaning her and her husband, my boyfriend and I, and his siblings and their guests) would be going in on an $80 gift, because that's fair, since that is what all their gifts added up to when they were at his sister's wedding.

I think this is tacky, considering we all got separate invitations, and would like my boyfriend and I to bring our own gift. He is very adament that we not spend any more money on this family because the gifts need to be "even." I am tempted to just send a gift to them with both of our names on it, or even just my name, so I'm not contributing to a gift that has essentially four sets of adults contributing to it. It would be different if all the siblings were kids, but they are all adults, and therefore I think should be providing their own gifts.

What should I do?! Do i go along with this idea even though I think it's cheap and tacky and petty? Or do I get a separate gift and risk my boyfriend's parents and siblings being upset with me for doing that?

Answer 1

I totally agree with you. That would be very petty and very tacky. Have they taken into consideration that their gift may have been all they could afford? How spiteful! I would go along with your idea, as long as you made sure his family didn't find out about it. Trust me, you don't want the bf's family on your back before the two of you are your own family.  

Answer 2

yes    put   names  on  it

Answer 3

Chip in on the "Family" gift, but you could also just purchase a gift card from a nice department store, restaurant, or anywhere & send it to them with a nice card.  

P.S  

This may be a sign of things to come in the future.  Just remember when  you get married, you also marry the family!

Good Luck!

Answer 4

I would do both.  Go in on the gift from his petty parents and then do an extra gift from just you and your boyfriend.  BFs parents never need to know you did something extra.  You give what you feel comfortable giving.

Answer 5

I would be seriously concerned with this red flag. I mean the wedding will come and go but if you stay with this boyfriend, you will be the object of this family's pettiness.  If you got a separate invitation, definitely send a gift . His parents are manipulative. This may just be the showdown between you and your boyfriend  if your boyfriend is adamant about following his mothers instructions. It would be for me.

Gosh who ever adds up what is spent on gifts anyway. Its about the celebration not about the 80 dollars. How pathetic

Answer 6

Do unto others:

a.  as you you have them do unto you.

b.  before they do unto you.

A is always the better option.   Tell your boyfriend's family that although they may have reason to be upset, you choose to behave like an adult by providing the couple the courtesy of a nice gift.

Answer 7

I actually have a friend with a large family and they are the same way. They all keep track of gifts and amount, then they give the same amount when it's time to reciprocate. Then they sit around and complain about each other. It's just how some families work.

Answer 8

Think about this another way first.  Perhaps the couple would like to get one of their larger or more expensive gifts instead of several little ones.  I mean, they can always get the littler gifts for themselves later, but may have trouble coming up with enough to get all the big things left on the registry.  

In addition, it is your boyfriends' family, not yours, so it will not really reflect badly on you.  

If you think they will be upset for doing something else, and it really means that much to them to do it this way, I would probably go along with it.  Voice your opinion, then just go forward.

Answer 9

I would tell your boyfriend you dont feel comfortable attending and only giving a joint $80 gift.  If he has a problem with that and still thinks that the gift should be even then I would really think about what your doing with him.  Do you want to continue being with a petty person like that.  And think the family you would be marrying into if you continued going out with him.  Just tell him you want to give another gift, even if only from you.  If he says thats fine then I would go ahead and give something just from you.  If he gives you attitude I would take a walk far, far away from that family.

Answer 10

go in on the family gift to shut them up. i understand its a stupid thing to fight about. i see your point completely. but it isnt worth the fighting over something so stupid. but also go ahead and do your own gift. use a lame excuse that you found something on sale. or give them the gift in a private setting so the family doesnt see it at the wedding. if your close to the cousins, tell them how you felt about the joint gift and you wanted to do something special. buy a gift that is like a keep sake and tell the family that you would like to start doing that for everyone for such occasions and you decided to start with the cousin?  

Answer 11

I can't believe his family are so ungrateful, perhaps they were in a financial situtation and couldn't afford to spend as much on gifts as they can. you should never give gifts based on what you've been given in the past, you give them because you want to and you give what you can afford. I agree they should all give their own gifts but gifts aren't an obligation so they don't have to so theres nothing you can really do in that respect if they're going to be so childish. If I were you I would buy a seperate gift rather than buying something cheap just to please his family by getting even with them.

Answer 12

s***w what his family thinks.You are dating him anyways after all.Buy a gift from just the two of you and put you're names on it only.Good luck in laws can be a pain!!!!!

Answer 13

really they should be very grateful 4 anybody getting a present 4 them because they sound sooo stuck up and there own arses, i'd get them **** all then give them something to moan about.