About a year back I finally moved out of my parents house into a small apartment. Soon after I got a job in a supermarket which was about to open, meaning that selves had to be packed and cleaned etc.. I work nights and the hours then were very long and although we were rushed off our feet the hours seemed to drag on and on. With the long hours and with how rushed we were I got quite down from living in what seemed like perpetual twilight, early winter meant going to work at dusk and leaving just before dawn, then sleeping in between. Everyone I worked with was considerably older than me {I'm 21, 20 then} so being able to talk to them wasn't easy for me, on top of which every hour or so I got lectured on how badly/slowly I was working by my super-visor {since fired for malpractice}. I just started to grow increasingly more numb and days and weeks just started blurring into a haze of sleep and work. At one perticullarly low ebb I just got so frustrated with my situation that I smashed the mirror in my bathroom with my fist, causing numerous shards of glass to lodge in my hand and wrist, and just for a brief moment I felt not so much happy as well, less numb.
Eventually, once the shop opened and we got more staff, work became much easier and my hours were greatly reduced to that of a standard full-time job. While I still have a few minor problems, they are exactly that MINOR and I can cope alot better now. However now, whenever I hit a low point in life, {like a break-up, for example} I still find myself indulging in self-harm {cutting and very occasional burning} I don't follow the 'emo' or 'goth' lifestyle and, to the best of my knowledge, I am a 'normal' person, a face to which everyone who knows me would attest but I can't seem to shake my habit. As well as it recurring, it does seem to be getting worse, the last 2 times I have ended up in hospital as 'shallow' cutting no longer has much/any effect on me. Only 2 of my friends really know about it, I just feel that I can't talk to anyone about it and it doesn't seem to get better, there's only so long I can hide behind long sleeves and jogging bottoms, especially since it's the height of summer now. I just don't know what to do, I feel completely lost and very very alone.
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