How do I stop adverse affects from my husband's job?

Question

My husband and I worked for the same firm for a bit of time, but I quickly realized that the 3 hours a day in the car commuting, 12-16 hour work days, and verbal abuse from supervisors was making me a broken and bitter woman, so I quit to find a more satisfying job (which I have).

My husband worked in a different division and never seemed to have problems. He loved his work and his coworkers. Until now. He has been working 80-100 hour work weeks, travels every other week, has to manage coworkers that have higher positions than he does, and is all around miserable at work.

It's not just at work either. We talk a lot during the day and of course, when he returns home at night. He is no longer the man I married. I try to do nothing but support him, but no matter what I do or say, he is always angry at me. I know that this is a direct function of his work life and I have asked him if he would consider finding a new job, but he seems to think that his current job is his only option. He is incredibly intelligent and works in a booming field, so I have no doubt he could find another position that pays the same, if not more.

The problem is, all of his angry and demeaning behavior at home has rubbed off on me quite a bit. I have been more moody than usual and slightly depressed. I usually don't have a problem taking constructive criticism at work, but lately it has been agitating me. I have become defensive and, dare I say, even a bit rude. This is not who I am at all and I am very unhappy that I have been acting this way.

I know that my husband's career path is his decision, but does anyone have any suggestions on how I can prevent his dissatisfaction at work from affecting my behavior?

Note: Please do not suggest divorce. I love my husband very much and though he is angry when he gets home (he is not abusive, so please don't read into it that way), I know that he still loves me very much.

Answer 1

no job is worth what he is doing

click on HotJobs and pull up some options in his field for him

The money he is making today can not buy him the happness he is missing out on or repair the bitterness he is causing

Answer 2

this answer is not really based on your question, but should be helpful to you and anyone wife who has a spouse at work.

you have to realize a few facts:

#1. he is working to support both of you and any family (kids) you should have.

#2 what you perceive as a difficult job situation may actually be seen as "challenging" to him (in a good way).

#3 the best way you can support your man is to provide to him what he needs.  most guys (and females) need to know that their spouse is supportive of their efforts and admire their dedication to their job.

while at home together, you might find it helpful to provide a supportive atmosphere when he gets home.  the first thing you need to do is allow him a "transition time" a half hour or so between the time he walks in the door to the time he has to have any meaningful conversation with anyone.  this could be his time to walk the dog, read the paper, have a cold beer, check the news on tv, have a shower or whatever.

after he has a period of time to de-stress from work, then make sure you are with him with a smile on your face and maybe a hot meal ready to heat.  although it sounds as if you are catering to your man (hey, you both work), a little effort on your part (the smile, the hot meal) usually reap great dividends, far more than the 30 minutes or so that it took you to find something yummy for him to eat.

and time for you to start thinking "positive".  yeah it's the same old c**p you heard so many times, but the more you think about the negative aspects, the more you tend to beome negative.  so if you just focus on the positive, and try to minimize the negative, you will become more positive and it will help you in your own relationships (at work and so forth).  you have already seen how destructive negative behavior has been, so you know that doesn't work.

find some stuff that you like to do and spend your free time away from work doing things that you find fun.

and cut him a break.  sure he's in a bad mood.  the job sucks.  but he wants to work there, and that's his decision.  so just hang in there and things will get better.

Answer 3

Morale is contageous.  At work AND at home.  And of course if your spouse is acting and feeling miserable, you will too.

Turn it around.  Get the word processor out for him and start sprucing up his resume/portfolio.  Then ask him to come help you, often if it starts coming together you'll both get excited about how good his resume looks.  Then you just "happen" to have some job listings printed out....

Next thing you know...