How do I stop him punching his sister?

Question

I have been seperated from my husband for 3 yrs

I have a 9 yr old son..... when he is playing together with his siblings he tends to get cranky with my7 yr old daughter and he lashes out at her , by hitting and even punching her.

I have tried all different ways to prevent and solve this,(putting him in his room, grounding him,sitting and asking him why!,ever threatening to tell his father(which he sees fortnightly), but nothing seems to work, it seems he cant control his anger.

What should I do?

He has also told me he is being picked on at school,I dont know if this has anything to do with it.

Please help!!!!!!

Need some piece in my household.

Answer 1

All that anger he has,is takeing it ALL out on his sister,Do NOT YOU DARE blame him.It is part of YOUR fault that you dident take action when you KNOW he is being bullyed.

Heres some ways to help him.

Your child is yelling, slamming doors and having an all-out tantrum … but can he trust you with his anger? Punishing the behaviors associated with anger might be a quick fix, but without instruction your child will lose out. National anger management trainer Bob Bowen warns that children who never learn proper ways to express their frustration will eventually find their own, often inappropriate, methods.

“At 7 years old she may be yelling or pulling someone’s hair, but by age 16 she will have developed 15 other incorrect ways to say ‘I’m frustrated.’ She has to find her own path because, as parents, we haven’t given her the correct one.”

The road to teaching proper “anger behavior” can be extremely bumpy when parents are sucked into the heat of the moment. Parents need first to handle their own emotions.

“When a child sees a parent managing his own frustration and anger, he will learn by example,” Bowen says. “How a parent responds to his child’s anger is how the parent teaches.”

Teaching discipline instead of punishing the child equips him with anger management tools that can be used the rest of his life. Here are eight things you can do to help your child learn how to express his anger positively.

Eight Great Anger Busters

Model anger management. “Mommy is feeling very angry right now, so I’m going to take time to be alone and get some self-control.

Show respect. Don’t participate by calling names or getting physical.

Give them words to express their anger. “I know you are disappointed, or sad or frustrated.”

Identify with their pain. “I remember when I didn’t get to go to a party.…”

Set positive limits. Instead of saying, “Don’t you throw that doll,” say, “After you put the doll on the table, we can go have snack.”

Redirect energy bursts that often come with anger. Encourage positive outlets like running, jumping, blowing into a horn or painting.

Avoid power struggles with your child. They’re always lose-lose situations. If your goal is to control, you will teach him to control others.

Provide a cooling-off period by reading a book together or going on a walk. Then calmly discuss what happened and make a plan for next time.

Helping Young Children Deal with Anger

Children's anger presents challenges to teachers committed to constructive, ethical, and effective child guidance. This Digest explores what we know about the components of children's anger, factors contributing to understanding and managing anger, and the ways teachers can guide children's expressions of anger.

Three Components of Anger

Anger is believed to have three components (Lewis & Michalson, 1983):

The Emotional State of Anger. The first component is the emotion itself, defined as an affective or arousal state, or a feeling experienced when a goal is blocked or needs are frustrated. Fabes and Eisenberg (1992) describe several types of stress-producing anger provocations that young children face daily in classroom interactions:

Conflict over possessions, which involves someone taking children's property or invading their space.

Physical assault, which involves one child doing something to another child, such as pushing or hitting.

Verbal conflict, for example, a tease or a taunt.

Rejection, which involves a child being ignored or not allowed to play with peers.

Issues of compliance, which often involve asking or insisting that children do something that they do not want to do--for instance, wash their hands.



Expression of Anger. The second component of anger is its expression. Some children vent or express anger through facial expressions, crying, sulking, or talking, but do little to try to solve a problem or confront the provocateur. Others actively resist by physically or verbally defending their positions, self-esteem, or possessions in nonaggressive ways. Still other children express anger with aggressive revenge by physically or verbally retaliating against the provocateur. Some children express dislike by telling the offender that he or she cannot play or is not liked. Other children express anger through avoidance or attempts to escape from or evade the provocateur. And some children use adult seeking, looking for comfort or solutions from a teacher, or telling the teacher about an incident.

Teachers can use child guidance strategies to help children express angry feelings in socially constructive ways. Children develop ideas about how to express emotions (Michalson & Lewis, 1985; Russel, 1989) primarily through social interaction in their families and later by watching television or movies, playing video games, and reading books (Honig & Wittmer, 1992). Some children have learned a negative, aggressive approach to expressing anger (Cummings, 1987; Hennessy et al., 1994) and, when confronted with everyday anger conflicts, resort to using aggression in the classroom (Huesmann, 1988). A major challenge for early childhood teachers is to encourage children to acknowledge angry feelings and to help them learn to express anger in positive and effective ways.

An Understanding of Anger. The third component of the anger experience is understanding--interpreting and evaluating--the emotion. Because the ability to regulate the expression of anger is linked to an understanding of the emotion (Zeman & Shipman, 1996), and because children's ability to reflect on their anger is somewhat limited, children need guidance from teachers and parents in understanding and managing their feelings of anger.

Understanding and Managing Anger

The development of basic cognitive processes undergirds children's gradual development of the understanding of anger (Lewis & Saarni, 1985).

Memory. Memory improves substantially during early childhood (Perlmutter, 1986), enabling young children to better remember aspects of anger-arousing interactions. Children who have developed unhelpful ideas of how to express anger (Miller & Sperry, 1987) may retrieve the early unhelpful strategy even after teachers help them gain a more helpful perspective. This finding implies that teachers may have to remind some children, sometimes more than once or twice, about the less aggressive ways of expressing anger.

Language. Talking about emotions helps young children understand their feelings (Brown & Dunn, 1996). The understanding of emotion in preschool children is predicted by overall language ability (Denham, Zoller, & Couchoud, 1994). Teachers can expect individual differences in the ability to identify and label angry feelings because children's families model a variety of approaches in talking about emotions.

Self-Referential and Self-Regulatory Behaviors.Self-referential behaviors include viewing the self as separate from others and as an active, independent, causal agent. Self-regulation refers to controlling impulses, tolerating frustration, and postponing immediate gratification. Initial self-regulation in young children provides a base for early childhood teachers who can develop strategies to nurture children's emerging ability to regulate the expression of anger.

Guiding Children's Expressions of Anger

Teachers can help children deal with anger by guiding their understanding and management of this emotion. The practices described here can help children understand and manage angry feelings in a direct and nonaggressive way.

Create a Safe Emotional Climate. A healthy early childhood setting permits children to acknowledge all feelings, pleasant and unpleasant, and does not shame anger. Healthy classroom systems have clear, firm, and flexible boundaries.

Model Responsible Anger Management. Children have an impaired ability to understand emotion when adults show a lot of anger (Denham, Zoller, & Couchoud, 1994). Adults who are most effective in helping children manage anger model responsible management by acknowledging, accepting, and taking responsibility for their own angry feelings and by expressing anger in direct and nonaggressive ways.

Help Children Develop Self-Regulatory Skills. Teachers of infants and toddlers do a lot of self-regulation "work," realizing that the children in their care have a very limited ability to regulate their own emotions. As children get older, adults can gradually transfer control of the self to children, so that they can develop self-regulatory skills.

Encourage Children to Label Feelings of Anger. Teachers and parents can help young children produce a label for their anger by teaching them that they are having a feeling and that they can use a word to describe their angry feeling. A permanent record (a book or chart) can be made of lists of labels for anger (e.g., mad, irritated, annoyed), and the class can refer to it when discussing angry feelings.

Encourage Children to Talk About Anger-Arousing Interactions. Preschool children better understand anger and other emotions when adults explain emotions (Denham, Zoller, &Couchoud, 1994). When children are embroiled in an anger-arousing interaction, teachers can help by listening without judging,evaluating, or ordering them to feel differently.

Use Books and Stories about Anger to Help Children Understand and Manage Anger. Well-presented stories about anger and other emotions validate children's feelings and give information about anger (Jalongo, 1986; Marion, 1995). It is important to preview all books about anger because some stories teach irresponsible anger management.

Communicate with Parents. Some of the same strategies employed to talk with parents about other areas of the curriculum can be used to enlist their assistance in  

Answer 2

I can so relate! My son is going through so much of the same things due to my divorce. All I do is talk to him calmly reassure him that it is ok to be angry, sad, hurt, and whatever else he is feeling, but that's it's not ok to let that anger become rage. I tell him that he can't control what makes him angry, those things are gonna happen, but he can chose how he is going to react to each and every situation. I remind him that each choice has a consequence and if he is going to chose to let his anger get the best of him he will have to face the consequences. He needs to understand that it is ok to be angry and that anger in and of itself is not wrong. Don't make him feel like he can't be upset, sad, or frustrated.

Answer 3

you need to become more strict then that, act like you're controlling him, or take him to counselor, therapist, psychiatrist .....

Answer 4

Stop the abuse he is getting from the bully at school FIRST.

If you do that in a way to teach him how to solve problems without violence, he will stop.

Then please teach this to our government.

Answer 5

First, I'd make sure the 7 yr old isn't pushing his buttons - He probably has lots of issues going on - but, the stuff at school needs to be addressed - and maybe you should let his dad know that he is being physically abusive with his sister.  Does his dad get physical? or you? doesn't sound like it - but maybe if dad knows he can talk with him - don't make it a threat to tell his dad - he's his dad - he needs to know these things too - maybe dad can talk to him - and also reinforce consequences you set out for him - maybe the consequences for his hitting need to be  stronger.  Also , diet can sometimes make a difference - not just sugar but, dyes, and also sometimes it's what's lacking - my daughter started giving her son some "calm child" herbal remedy - said it has helped a lot - he wasn't hitting he just wasn't paying attention in school - and - omega 3 & 6.  My son was actually very sensitive to something in sprite! and would bounce off the walls!

My son used to have quite a temper when younger - his dad found that putting him on niacin helped.  You & dad may be divorced - but he's still dad - and maybe it would help if he was more informed about some of these situations.  sometimes dad's have a way of handling things differently that can make a big difference.   - as long as they aren't abusive.

good luck

added edit

?'s answer - is really a very good answer -

and check out the web site - the links under Additional Information all the way on the right  have even more information.



and

Personally, I think problem solving skills should be taught from the 1st - 12th grade and as part of a child birth class - it really is a process - and works pretty  good once it's really learned.

Answer 6

I think you will find if you speak to him about the bully and bring it to the attention of the school immediatley! The way he treats his sister will subside. Make sure he understands that being mean is not acceptable and will not be tolerated by the bully or him. That way he wont carry on the behavior once the bully stops.

Also make sure that the school does something about it. Often they will overlook the matter especially in large settings. I have been through this both with my children and the school. I have talked to the bullies parents. Often times that is when I can tell where the child gets it.

Answer 7

Since he is getting picked at school you should show him not to pick on others also.  Teach him a lesson by hitting him or making him scared so he won't do it again

Answer 8

You need to contact the school after you find out more about the bullying.  

It;s hard to say if he's acting out b/c of that or the seperation... plus, kids will be kids and even kids with 2 parents at home who aren't being bullied hit eachother, so some is normal sibling stuff.

You could also be dealing with some pre-teen hormones here... puberty is not that far away!

After making a plan of attack about school, I would sit down with dad and talk about what the next move is. you shouldn't have to do this by yourself and it would benefit your son to see you two work as a team for him.  You could talk to your pediatrician who might recommend a councelor.

good luck...

Answer 9

Spank him!!!!!!!!!!  Spanking is not against the law. And if says he's calling the police. Hand him the phone and say, "go ahead. the police will come and take you away and put you with people you don't know. So if want to live with strangers go ahead and call."  And even if he does call, as long as you spank with your hand and nothing else your fine. Officers will come and ask, "were you disciplining your child?" When you say yes, and tell them why. They will talk to him about punching his siblings and how he is breaking the law and then they will leave. I know I work for a police dept. You also may want to get him in an anger management class or some therapy.

Answer 10

where i live, there is a youth assistance that deals with kids through the school district.  ask your schools social worker or principle if your district has one, or if another local district has one.  my son is going through them for anger management.  it seems to be working

Answer 11

I'd spank his bare bottom.