How do I stop my 4 yr old daughter from hitting?

Question

My daughter has been going to pre-school for almost three years now. She has always played the role of class mommy. She has always been a little "cuddle bug," lovin' and huggin', and just no problems. Lately, she has started to argue with her older brother (9yrs old). He is short tempered and will be firm with his position on what he thinks is right. She gets frustrated during these arguments and started to pinch her brother. We put her in time-out, the next day, she will do the same thing, back in time-out. The next time they argue, same thing, she pinches, she goes in time-out. Recently she starting hitting him instead of pinching. We have always taught our son to never hit a girl and that he is to protect his sister. He is obviously frustrated with her pinching, and now hitting. We have put her in time-out many times and it doesn't work. Now, she has brought the hitting to her school. She hit another boy because she asked a few times for him to move and he did not. Help

Answer 1

say to her reasons to stop hitting like "if you hit someone he/she will hit you harder"

Answer 2

pinch her and show her how much it hurts!!

i mean it sounds mean but seriously, i bet she will stop pinching!

if your not that type (hehe) then you could take something of hers away every time she pinchs and dont give it back until she hasnt hurt anyone for 24 hours. let her know this will happen every single time she pinchs...so you may have to take away multiple toys in one day

but she will get the point sooner or later!!

Answer 3

First of all, if a child cannot rationalize what they are doing, why, and the complete consequences putting them in time-out will not get you the results you want.

I am a teacher and NOT an advocate of time-out or "sit down and think about what you are doing" in younger children, because most don't know what they are thinking about. They realize you are upset with them, but why? I suggest taking away something that she likes. If she hits your son, no cartoons that day/evening or she goes to bed an hour earlier or you take her favorite toy away for an hour or two. Don't make a chore like clean your room as a punishment, they'll resent it.

As one suggested, talk to the teacher, see if she/he has observed any behaviors in the classroom that might be a cause of the increased bad behavior. Talk to your child, she is 4 and can be talked to "normally." Ask her why she hit her brother, see what she says if anything. Explain to her that hitting and pinching is not something girls do especially to their big brothers. I know of a kindergarten teacher who encourages her students to use their voices not their hands/fingers. If someone bothers them, they are to yell (moderately) QUIT IT or STOP instead of hitting/pinching back. Personally, I'd rather have a yeller than a brawl. She has to understand that she isn't the boss and other children don't like bossy playmates. She cannot have things her way all the time and getting mad is not going to get what she wants. If you give into her madness by thinking if I give this to her she'll hush, you will create a monster. Think 16 yrs old and wants a brand new car...she knows her entire life by throwing a fit and hitting she got what she wants. So she throws a "diva" fit. Good Luck

Answer 4

Somewhere she learned to pinch and hit.  Has she learned that at her pre-school?  Maybe you need to talk to the teachers at here pre-school to see if something is happening there with another child, but most likely she is just expressing frustration she has not learned to express in any other way.  It is one of her ways of communicating.

You need to begin to teach her other ways to deal with her frustrations.  These sites may give you some leads.  Best of luck with it.

Answer 5

Kids will be kids but you still need to firm with your daughter to teach her that this is not an appropriate action.  I recommend possibly impressing slightly harsher consequences to teach the wrongness of her actions.

Hope this helps!

Answer 6

Just remember though that there may always be a reason behind this. I say: Take her to a doctor (an specialist)

Answer 7

The situation says that very miniutely you are watching your dauaghter activity and such 'close-notice' from you and always asking or preventing her for 'not to do this and not to do that', has made her stubborn, contrary unmanageable. It will not be suitable or favorable if the child is being monitored closely by their parents. Dont stretch yourselves, and strike with every moment, leave them alone to play, dont sit on their head, give them a free land, free environment and a free hand, they will fight ofcourse with each other and will love eventually. Let them mingle, join and mix together. The situation will go reverse if a close-watch from your side persists to their small & lovely activities where there is ignorance, innocence, infancy and child simplicity.

And at the school what she is doing actually it is a reverse attitude of her which she could not do at home with her brother becuase of your consecutive interruption in their 'free will' where you are presenting youself as a class teacher not a loving mother.

This is the impact which you can see that because of your deep attention towards your child activities where your constant monitoring not allowing them to play freely and join each other, they are going arrogant whcih is certainly a negative impact of your advise or guidance. So better leave them alone, let them play alone, watch from away, keep hiding and watch from distance if you understand they will go extreme. Do this on trail basis, keeping away yourself I hope you will see the difference, let the baby play with her brother and her classmates. For God sake she is 4 years.

Answer 8

I suggest you start punishing or disciplining her

Answer 9

Well it sounds to me that she has resorted to violence because she is tired of her voice not being heard. Sometimes she needs to feel that she is right. Children at that age are starting to understand the world and how things work. If her older brother gets to always be right then she will start to get frustrated and she is turning to hitting to get her voice heard. Start treating her with a little more respect and have your son treat her with more respect and maybe she wont have to resort to violence.

Answer 10

It is very important for children to learn to use their words to express themselves and to understand that their hands are meant for their body and should not be used to touch another person.  Perhaps you could have her brother tell her how it feels when she hits him, such as, "I don't like it when you do that, it hurts me."  Also, she is probably frustrated.  When children are frustrated and unable to communicate, they resort to actions such as biting, hitting, etc.  Since she is much younger than her brother, she cannot possibly express herself on the same level that he can, thus, her frustration and her hitting.  Help her to express herself.  Talk to her, help her to find the words, and try to keep her out of a situation in which she is forced to verbally defend herself in an argument with a much older child.  Also, talk to her teachers at school and let them know how you are working on this with her so that they can do the same.  Helping her to learn how to express herself will help prevent future problems of this sort.  Time out is not helpful for young children because they do not necessarily understand it or may come to resent it.  Some children also see time out as a way to get attention (albeit negative) from adults.  Is your daughter doing these things to get more attention?  Just another point to consider.  I hope this helps!

Answer 11

A couple things,

It would be o.k. given the age difference to teach the older brother at home to walk away. He doesn't need to continue arguing with her and insisting he is right. If time out isn't working it is probably because what she really wants is him to get out of her face and she taking her away from the situation is in effect accomplishing her desired outcome.  I would also work on teaching her to walk away or saying something to her brother such as you are making me angry as a cue for him to walk away. You said the 9 year old has a short temper and argues with her and given the age difference what defense does she have? She can't compete with a 9 year old for size or language capability.

You may also want to look at more logical or natural consequences. Sometimes not intervening is a good option because in the real world if you hit someone they are going to hit you back or not play with you etc. Secondly I guess I would want to know what they arguing about and is there a natural logical consequence that makes sense. IF they are arguing over what t.v. show to watch . the no one gets to watch t.v. it would encourage the kids to problem solve if no one gets their way. Try to make the consequences fit that situation if the arbitrary consequence of time out is not working.