How do I stop the emotional feelings for this man and fall back in love with my husband?

Question

My husband (of 15 yrs) and I have a close friend we have known for many years and my husband went to high school with 20+ yrs ago. The three of us would hang out together often, and are involved in many of the same activities, so we see each other almost every day. The friend is divorced, has custody of his 3 children, and lives w/ his parents. One night while we were together, drinking got us out of hand and the 3 of us ended up having s*x. We all talked about it and it was fine between us. Then we did it again 10 days later and then 3 days later and now it has been over 1 1/2 yrs and about 18 times. The problem is that the "rule" is that there are to be no emotional ties...just s*x. It's impossible for me. The 'guy' and I have met each other on more than one occasion and had s*x alone. He and I generally keep our distance, but have on many occasions talked on the phone for hours and seen one another separately. I believe I fell for him. But, when he and I would be together alone, we both felt so bad for it that we would stop seeing one another for awhile. After a few months, we would start up again. My husband was okay with each time that the 3 of us were together, but does not know for sure about the times when I've been alone with the man (he suspects it though). What do I do? Do I come clean with my husband and let him know of the actual affair I've apparently been having? It's been such a strange situation since it was okay at first, but when we were alone together, that was wrong. HELP!

Answer 1

Tell your husband.

Answer 2

yuck!!!!!! ur poor kids!

Answer 3

You need to get a divorce and then be alone for a while and decide what you want and stay on your own without any complications to distract you. Then if you decide you have to be with this man, then follow your heart, but staying married in this  situation is depraved.

Answer 4

Obviously, it was wrong to invite another man into your private space in the beginning. Both you and your husband need to come clean. He seems to have had some ulterior motives for doing so in the first place. There may be some underlying issues that you are not seeing as well. Seek guidance for this, because it can and will get a messy.

Answer 5

I'm going to assume that your husband is open-minded. I would suggest telling him, the truth hurts, but it also sets you free. Besides that, he suspects it and the longer you "hide" this, the worse its going to be in the long run. I would think of all the reasons why you married your husband and compare this guy to him. Normally that would be bad, but you obviously do love your husband, and are searching for answers. Good luck to the three of you, there is a lot invloved here.

Answer 6

you need to first of all tell your husband & confirm what he already suspects . he cant , in all fairness , go too mental because initially he encouraged the 3some . but there are two trusted people cheating on him , you and his (good} friend , thats too much .

secondly , stop seeing the other guy and thats what he is , the other guy.

last but NOT LEAST you have two kids to consider , dont put your emotional needs before theirs please.

deep down you know what you must do, so do it.

Answer 7

I think your husband made a BIG mistake.

In the moment he accepted to be part of the threesome, he was putting his marriage on the way to failure.

Think about it, would you accept having s*x with your husband and another attractive woman?? wouldn't it be clear for you that both of you women would be competing to get the man? It's natural instinct.

Two men will fight to win the woman, two women will become enemies to win the man. No big science behind it. There's no reasoning behind it, it's pure instinct. So, it is perfectly natural to have you consciously and unconsciously choosing between them.

Also, men try to convince themselves that no emotions are attached, but that's just a big lie. s*x with friends entails emotions. You can't delete the feelings you have for your friend while you make s*x with him! That's impossible!!

Now, were you cheating your husband?? I don't think so. I think your husband is still part of it. I think he created the right circumstances for this to happen. We all have to protect the relationship we have with the person we love. One way is to keep on feeding the love and attraction for each other, to work to make it remain special; another way is keeping it away for situations that will cause trouble such as in-law family and closely dangerous friends.

So, no, it's not all your fault, your husband was creating trouble, he was putting this relationship in danger by bringing his friend so close to you. Unfortunately, you didn't have the vision to see what could happen and set boundaries before all this happened.

So, you are equally responsible and what you have to do now is, first of all, think, do you want to keep your relationship with your husband going?? Do you think your marriage can grow stronger from this experience?? If your answer is yes. Then talk with your husband, but not about the cheating. Talk to him about the emotional trouble these threesome thing is causing in you. Let him know that if this goes on any longer, you cannot warrant you will keep on loving him. Tell him it is impossible for you to keep your feelings aside. So, if HE cares about your relationship, it is time for you both to put an end to it including the friendship with that man and do what is necessary to keep your relationship alive.

You guys have to accept that things fell out from your hands. You have to accept that it was not a good idea after all and that it is putting your emotional health and marriage in danger.

Once you tell your husband how confused you feel, you will see how he feels, and you will be in the right position to choose what to do, either do what is necessary to do to save your marriage, or end it.

If you stay, you get rid of the friend. If you leave, you can do whatever you want.

Good luck!

Answer 8

This is a difficult situation, but recuperable.

It's perfectly understandable that you've developed feelings for this man after the encounters you've had, and that doesn't necessarily mean your marriage is in trouble. Your husband may however feel hurt that you had s*x alone with this man and you may want to come clean with him so that you don't have to continue feeling dishonnest and so that he doesn't have to continue suspecting. You may have to rebuild the trust between you.

I would recommend reading "The Ethical s**t".

Don't worry, I'm not suggesting anyone is a s**t here. This book is about polyamory, and may help you sort out some of the issues that parallel your situation since the three of you had s*x together.

Answer 9

That what you and your husband get for bringing someone else into your marriage. H*ll, go ahead and tell him, he's let this man s***w you anyways, so what does it matter now.

Answer 10

If you knew that it was impossible for you to not get emotionally involved, you should have told your husband about it and never repeated the 3 some. Now you have a bloody mess that is about to explode in your face.

Your best bet is to come clean with your husband and hope that things can be worked out.

Answer 11

doing it with your friend alone and not with your husband isn't what your husband wants and i think you should tell him and then hay if he wants nothing to do with you then you've got the other man,

Answer 12

I can say this no other way - This is what married folks get when they choose to open this relationship to a thrid party...

Yes - you should come clean. But your husband needs to also take some responsibility for this because he assisted you in opening the door...

It sounds like you two need to rediscover eachother and figure out what went so wrong and bland that you had to invite in this distasterous excitement...

Answer 13

This is just sick! Honestly!

Answer 14

first of all, the first time threesome is wrong enough but kk you three were drunk and it happened by mistake.

but doing it again and again is just plain immoral and ur situation right now is EXACTLY the reason why it is immoral!

I really suggest you come clean w/ur husband and stop this threesome once and for all and let that other guy find himself a gf or wife for him.

If ur husband insists on threesome, then totally suspect him for being g*y and ditch him! after all, what kind of a man tries w/a dude and wants to SHARE his wife as if ur a property for everyone to share.

if you seriously want your husband back, then stop contacts w/that other guy and let ur husband know abt affair and ask his forgiveness and BOTH of u keep distance with w/that guy.

After that point, another threesome or affair w/that guy is just plain cheating AGAIN!

Hope you learned ur lesson now from this revolting experience and get back into the proper monogamous relationship w/ur husband asap!

Answer 15

Do you want to leave your husband?  If you do leave him.  The other situation will sort itself out once you have made the first decisions.

Consider your husband and your feelings for him first - if you can make a a go of it then you need to speak to him and say lets for for counselling and explain to him that you felt as if you had wished to leave him because sleeping with someone else had confused you emotionally.  

If you think your marriage is dead then tell him you wish to separate and explain that having had threesomes made you question your marriage and you have decided its not what you want any more.

Answer 16

Um, wow...

I'm gonna give it to you straight. If your marriage has any chance of surviving this, (1) you (AND your husband) need to stop seeing this man immediately, (2) you need to get marriage counseling ASAP and come clean about the "affair" and (3) you need to never have a threesome or s*x with another man ever again.

Answer 17

You need to come clean with your husband and tell him the truth. Doing this will open up discussions on how inviting a third person into the bedroom can cause this. Being intimate with someone takes risks of becoming emotionally involved with that person. You and your husband need to learn this so you both do not repeat the same mistake with another person. I truly feel if you tell your husband he and you will come off better from this by learning from the mistake you both made by allowing his friend into the bedroom. Good luck to you!

Answer 18

More questions to consider:

Are you able to determine who you love?

Do you love both?

What's the trend of your feeelings for each man.

Do you see a future with your husband?

Do you see a future with the 'friend.'

Why do you feel the need to see the friend - as just 2 of you.

What do you feel about stoppingt the 2some - and continue with the 3 some.

Could you all live to together / have 2 'husbands? (living costs would reduce)

What do you feel if you were to cut the friend out of your llife.

What do you feel if you were to cut your husband out of your life.

What do you feel about cutting them all out of your life - start afresh.

These aren't answers or suggestions. Might help you think though. Nobody can tell you what to do - but there maybe some ideas that you are more comfortable with.

Good luck - hope it works out.

Richard

Answer 19

Yes, come clean.  This might be OK with your husband, but I doubt it.  The rule was no emotional involvement.  As soon as you started feeling it, you should have informed your husband that you were feeling it, and certainly before you acted on it.  That's the only way these arrangements can work.