How do I stop the war between my wife and her daughter?

Question

Before any of you tell me to mind my own business and butt out, please hear me out

Every day from the moment my stepdaughter walks in the door from school, it's World War 3. She never likes to accept no for an answer, and will ask my wife repeatedly until my wife starts screaming. If my wife asks her to do something, she outright disobeys her. Everyday, all I hear is my wife yelling at her about something, and the girl making these fake crying/whining noises as she keeps asking her "Please? Please? Pleeeeease?"

Yesterday was the worst. The girl came in asking for a Playstation 3. My wife said no, they cost way too much, we got bills coming out of our ears and we both only make but so much. She kept bugging her for well over an hour until my wife got up, SMASHED HER OWN $2500 LAPTOP AGAINST THE WALL, went to her bedroom and slammed the door. The girl went to the door and asked "Okay, how about an Xbox 360 instead?"

I know it's none my business but this is getting out of hand!

Answer 1

I'm not gonna tell you to mind your business, and i can see your concern. the only thing i can tell you to do is to talk to your wife and get her to tell the child that she is not the most important person in the world and if she wants a PlayStation 3, then she should get a job and get it herself.  i know this sounds a bit cruel and harsh, but it works.it will cause the child to feel that she has less power over her mother and the child will back down. another thing you can do is to offer your wife as much support as possible because she needs it if she is going to stop the child behaving like a spoiled brat.

whatever you do, don't go screaming at the child, because this will cause her to know that she has the power to wind you up and that she is in control, and it will only leave you feeling frustrated and will raise your stress level.

if none of that works, then you and your wife might consider taking the child to see a psychologist.

Answer 2

when i was a kid i used to ask to go to toys r us every day. i knew they wouldn't take me, but i would ask a few times anyway. (didn't throw a fit and cry, but was just kind of annoying.) well one day i casually said something about it but was so distracted that i didnt say anything else and my mom actually took me there! to buy like a 20 dollar present, not an xbox. but that showed me that sometimes not being annoying gets you places, and that if you only ask every once in a while it might just happen. as far as world war 3 goes, it sounds like the daughter may pick some of this up from the mother. smashing her laptop was immature and uncalled for no matter how annoying the child is. the daughter, seeing this reaction, learns that it is okay to throw tantrums and smash (expensive) things because mommy does. not good.

i also agree with (and gave a thumbs up to) reefshadow.

Answer 3

First this is your business for several reasons.  One your wife is upset and if you love her then it upsets you and two if it affects the household you are living in then it affects you both of which make it your business.

Chances are the girl feels that you took her place and now she is looking for "gift" from her mom to show that she still cares.  The best thing is to first sit down with your wife and let her know that you love her but the constant arguing is going to make her sick and is making it hard on you.  Let her know that it is her daughter and you respect that but as her stepfather you feel the two of you need to work together to find a solution.  The best thing your wife can do is to stand her ground.  When she tells her daughter no she needs to make it stick and then when she starts in with the whining she needs to be firm tell her again the answer is no and she will not discuss it anymore and then when she continues ignore her and go to another room, for a walk or anything to put distance there.  One thing we did with my son when he threw a fit all the time wanting the PS3 was to tell him no we werent buying one but if he did all his chores that week and listened to what he was told then we would go rnt one for the weekend.  It has worked well I don't have to fight him to get chores done and he loves the weekend now.

Sounds like your wife is stressed so encourage her to take the time for herself as well.  Let her know it is ok to walk off and regroup when her daughter starts in.  Then the two of you sit down with the daughter and tell her this is the way it will be and let her know what you have decided.  Have it clearly explained to her what is and isnt acceptable, what is expected of her and what the reward and punishment will be.  She is 8 she needs things tobe set and consistent and not have them change from day to day.

Answer 4

You need to help yor wife take control of this girl. Whining and whining at an adult til they snap is not acceptable behaviour. Your wife needs to stop arguing with the daughter too. She needs to simply state her answer and then do not entertain the whinging. Ask her to stop whinging, if she persists an immediate punishment is needed. When you child whines at your wife like that you need to step in and say to your daughter loud and firmly " DO NOT speak to MY wife like that !"

I do not tolerate whining from my daughter (shes 6). If she whines she gets 3 chances to stop, if she doesnt she is sent to bed immediately, even if its 4 o clock in the afternoon. If it happens before school, and it was excessive, she goes straight to bed after school and is not allowed to play with her friends that afternoon.

I would also let your daughter know, an Xbox or a Playstation 3 is not something you randomly ask for and receive. If she wants one for her birthday or Xmas, then she may politely ask for one at the appropriate time of year.

Answer 5

Well its obvious what is happening. Your wife is being the childish one! All kids will push and push they just need to know how far they can push and your wife lets her push all the way. When my son does this I ignore him, I do not look at him or talk to him it drives him mad and I dont speak to him again until he apologises. Works every time.

Answer 6

Children don't "hear" yelling after awile if it is done too often.

Frankly in my opinion it sounds as if it is your wife that has the bigger problem. I mean really, smashing stuff and yelling at an 8 YO?

No means no. You say it once, state your reason, and it stands with no further discussion. The clearest way to get this across is to ignore further questioning altogether, once you start bargaining with children they have the upper hand. (and yes, yelling is a form of bargaining, it means the topic is still on the table).

An 8 YO can only get this behavior second hand, and it sounds like your wife has poor impulse control and a bad anger management problem.

Sounds like family therapy is in order to me.

Answer 7

ehh why is she like that? didn't you or her mom told her that what she did was all wrong, i got a niece that acts just like that but when her dad hit her on her butt she cried and then stopped bugging.

Answer 8

I joined Yahoo! only to reply to your question. You need to teach your kid who's the superior in your home. You need to take control and put her in place. At the level to which she already has detoriated, intimidate her. Yell at her when she is stepping out of line, take away any form of privilege she might have, put her in permanent arrest until you have taught her to treat her parents with respect. Anti-authoritarian parents are something of the worst that can happen to a child, I know because mine were. Discipline.

She's a eight-years-old. If you don't control her now she'll kill you in her teens.

Answer 9

It sounds like this little girl needs some love and attention from her mother, and she's trying so hard to get attention, that she will take it in any form she can get it.  Perhaps Mom needs to put away the $2500.00 laptop when her daughter gets home, have a nice healthy snack waiting, cut up some apples, pnut butter and maybe 1 cookie for love, and sit down with her daughter and talk about her day.  Go thru her backpack together etc.  

Also, it could be that this girl is motivated by power, so give her some power, power to chose what's for dinner etc.

Also, give her the power to SAVE UP for whatever hot item it is that she simply must have.  Have a chore chart with the $ listed beside it and how many times it can be done per week.  When she asks for the xbox or the playstation or whatever, redirect her attention to the chore chart.  Go with her and say, "let's see what you can do today to earn some money towards the ITEM."  Then immediately pay her for it and keep the money in a jar near the list.  When she starts to fret about getting the ITEM, tell her to count how much she's already earned etc.

Good Luck.

Answer 10

breaking things is not the solution, daughters are revelious with mothers, you can talk nicely to the girl and make her understand. If no doesnt work please ignore her for a while