How do I talk to a jealous friend?

Question

My close friend has some weird ideas about how her boyfriend should act around other girls. She has this rule that he can never be alone with any of her girl friends, including me. (He doesn't know about this rule.)

As her friend, even though I don't agree, I usually try to respect her wishes. However, recently her boyfriend offered to teach me something I've always wanted to learn (sword-fighting, by the way. We all run in the same Renaissance Faire circuit.) I approached my friend about it, and her answer was "Absolutely not. He finds girls with swords a turn-on."

What do I do? I'm mostly worried that her jealous attitude will drive off this great guy she's found. I'm also mad that she doesn't want to allow me to learn this skill from him. I even offered to pay him for the lessons! I'm not interested in him at all, but she seems to distrust his motives completely when any other female is involved. It also hurts that she doesn't seem to trust me around him.

I can't just blow her off - she's one of my closest friends and apart from this, I love her like a sister. We'll also all be working at a Renaissance Faire next spring.

Answer 1

I'd tell her exactly what you said here.

She will definitely drive him away by being controlling , insecure and just plain immature.

It sounds like she is on her way to driving you away too by her behavior.

She can't tell you or him what friends to have, that's ridiculous.

You might just want to show her your question and all the answers that you get.

That ought to give her a clue. If she still acts this way, why would you want to be friends with her ? She sounds like a real pain to be around.

Maybe she'll get it after you show this to her, then she'll also see you care about her, but can't deal with her controlling ways.

Good luck !

Answer 2

She just doesn't trust him - she doesn't trust ANYONE. She sounds like a real pain. She's not really your friend. If you want to help him out, tell him about "the rules" but ask him to keep it quiet. She wouldn't want some guy treating HER like property. She's being really immature.

Answer 3

She is going to lose him as well as every other man she meets if she doens't pull in those reins.

Talk to her.  Not about you wanting to take the lessons but about your concerns about her strictness.  She IS going to lose him someday, thats a probablilty not a possibility.

Answer 4

you say "ok i cant be friends with someone who is jealous and i really like being friends with you but....Being jealous is not fair to anyone including yourself i have tried to be a good friend and stick by your side but its up to you if you want to still be friends i do but i cant take your attitude any more"  

Answer 5

as a jealouse girlfriend myselft...lol not crazy like this though... but if she distrusts him so much she just cant go around dictating other peoples lives based solely on her jealousy... so tell her to go with u and sit and watch... if she cant even handle that then shes crazy, find someone else who can teach you cus you dont want to be caught in the middle, let her ruin her own relationship

Answer 6

This guy may come and go in both of your lives..but your friendship may last for years and maybe throughout your entire life.  As odd as it may seem (her distrust) you have to respect her.  Either she has low self esteem or he is a player..regardless..take lessons from someone else and honor your close friend's wishes.  You will be so glad you did this for her and someday in her own may she will do something special for you.  Good Luck!

Answer 7

Your friendship should be more important to you than sword fighting lessons.  I find it interesting that her boyfriend offered to teach you sword fighting if that is something that he finds a turn-on.  Did you ask him to teach you or did he just offer that out of the blue? If you really care about your friend, you should stay away from her boyfriend, but that's just my opinion.  I wonder why she doesn't trust you around her boyfriend. You paint a picture of her as a possessive crazy jealous person.  If she is your friend, why would you talk like that about her?  You also give enough references in your post so that anyone who knows her or you can figure out who it is that you are talking about.  Something like this should have stayed between the two of you.  There is also another side to this story that remains untold if you are the only one writing the story.  Personally, I think you should have talked to your friend about this again instead of trashing her reputation on the internet.  

Answer 8

Forget the guy, keep your friendship.  

Answer 9

all three of you should talk about it together.

Answer 10

i think it iswrong forher not to trust you because you guys are like sisters and it is also wrong for her not to trust her bf  

Answer 11

you really need to talk her. there are not many ways you can change a person like that but if she is really your friend she will listen to what you have to say and take it into consideration

Answer 12

i was in exactly the same situation as you my best friends bf offered to tech me shooting, obviously the same as you didn't go down to well with the other half.

well, i just talked to her about the situation and made it quite clear that there was no attraction there, soon she started to ease of but you could tell she was still jealous.

suggest that maybe she came with you but not interfered and then soon when she Lear'nt that there was no intimate feelings with you both she will learn to ease of.

i think you have to be open with her, don't think its a good idea you go behind her back.

as for her becoming so obsessive that she might risk losing him, that's her own fault and when she looks back in the future she will realize the way she acted was over the top.

but you should over all respect her wishes and not make her feel threatened that could jeopardize your close friendship, if she says no then I'm sorry to say i think you will have to forget about the sword fighting but at least your get to keep a good friend

Answer 13

Have you thought about letting him know what he's getting into?

Gosh, I feel bad for that guy! She sounds so controlling.

Go ahead with your lessons, if she cares so much, let her be there to watch.

She, as a friend, shouldn't stop you from doing what you want to.

Answer 14

wow, thats a bad situation. well what i would say is you and  her boyfriend sit her down and try to talk to her. tell her i don't like ur boyfriend i just want to learn how to swordfight. if it makes her feel better she can be there. but i don't know if u would want to do that cause she should be able to trust you. well whatever you do, i hope the best you and ur friend.

Answer 15

Invite her to take the lessons with you. Then she will be there and wont have to worry about you two being alone.

So your happy, and so is she.

Answer 16

Idk

Answer 17

Talk to her about. Tell her how jealousy ruins everything. Either she should loosen up a smidge, but keep on eye on him around SUSPICIOUS girls. She seems she cant trust people, not even you to be around him even you aren't interested in him. Talk to her and try. You just want to learn sword fighting, whats the worse that can happen? You can get her to come and watch the lesson while he teaches you, so she can see whats happening. But like I said Jealousy  and lack of trust RUINS everything.

Answer 18

wow...it sounds tough...Well ur explaining this to random people... why not? explain this to her! U trust complete strangers to answer this but all u have to do is tell her "this"! If she is a such a great friend she'll understand! But if ya think she won't...Then i do have an idea!

-why don't u ask her to take the lessons with u! Then she won't feel jealous!

Well thats all i can think of cuz i really never been in a situation but like this but something quite like it! And i all i had to do is sit down and explain.  

Answer 19

talk to her. shes not only controlling him but shes trying to control everyone including you.

Answer 20

THATS NOT JEALOUS!THAT IS BEING A OVER_PROTECTIVE CONTROLLING w***e!

The dude might just want to be left alone sometimes. Tell her to discuss that with her boyfriend..

Also she is controlling you as well as him.

Answer 21

tell her how you feel. Remember to tell her, that her boyfriend is still going to love her.

Answer 22

respect her wishes and let her learn from her mistakes/

Answer 23

If I was you, I would wait till things go sour between the two of them (If he has any sense he'll get the heck out of there) and when they break up ask him for lessons. (just don't tell her!)

Or you could just have someone else to teach you.

By the way, I work at a Renaissance Festival also! Do you ever come to the PA Renfest?