How do I talk to him (Long story)?

Question

Sorry for the long story but here goes.

My boyfriend of 8 months and I just moved in together. I have known him for about 6 years; he is best friends with my sisters husband. I am a divorced mother of one. When we were dating and everything was great, he loves my daughter and she loves him. We get along great with each others families as well. He is an only child so very close to both his parents, and my family is military so we traveled a lot and all we had was each other so we are very close as well. After we moved in with him things seem to be going down hill. First it was he was mad at my daughter for getting two drops of pudding on the carpet. He didn't yell at her but every time we get in an argument he brings that up. I don't think it was a big deal because I cleaned it up with resolve, no harm no foul right? Then the chair she sits in at the kitchen table is dirty because she spills (she's barley 4) I cleaned it with resolve as well. I have two cats and we get in arguments about them the most. He doesn't like the fact that they get on the table. I never catch them on the table so I can punish them for it. He says he likes them 60% of the time, just not when they are bad. He calls them stupid all the time and I hate that and have told him so but he still continues. Yesterday we went through tropical storm Fay because we live in Florida. He got mad at me for not asking him before I invited my sister and her two kids to ride it out with us. I know I should have asked but at the time I didn't think about it and didn't think it was a big deal. She lives with my mom and dad and they both had to work so I didn't want her to have to be home alone. He was mad because her kids (2 & 4) are loud and he isn't used to that. We got into a huge argument about that and he said fine I will move in with my parents and you can buy the house. He says he feels he has no say in his own house. I hate that he holds that over my head and I told him that when he did it before. I know its not my house, I moved out of my apartment and spent all my money to move in with him, if we break up I have no where to go and that scares me the most. He knows I cant afford that house on my own, why would he do that? Then while my sister and kids were over, her son and my daughter broke the bi-fold closet doors in her room. He was really mad about that and said that is why he didn't want them over because they are distructive. I told him I would fix the doors (there 20years old anyway) Then when I was in the living room with my sister he was in the doorway to our room giving we this sortof evil look doing the come here finger because he wanted to talk to me. He wanted to know when they were leaving because he wanted a quiet house and basically wanted me to kick them out in the middle of a tropical storm. He thinks it should bother me more when things break or get dirty in the house. I told him it does bother me but they are just kids, clean up after them and move on. Am I wrong in thinking that? I'll admit it if I am I just don't know what to do. I tell her to be careful and watch what she is doing, and she is getting better at it, but I make a mess when I eat sometimes too. He makes me feel like a child, I'm 26 years old and have lived on my own since I was 18, he is the one who just moved out of his parents house at 26. My husband and I broke up right after my daughter was born because he wasn't ready to be a father. I love my boyfriend and want us to work out, but if he mentions in every little argument that its his house, how am I suppose to live with that? All we argue about are stupid little things, what will happen when its something more important? We argue over the cats, my daughters messes, he thinks I should feed her more nutricious meals for dinner instead of pb&j's I don't know what I should do.

Answer 1

Okay, well I've read your story, and I'm siding with you. He isn't use to kids, obviously, and you are right about the whole, clean up after them and move on, they are just kids. If he can't accept that and learn to adapt, then it's not going to work for him or you. And another thing is that he's using the financial problem to try to control you and follow his rules, that's not a good thing. You could of told him about having your sister over, I think the reason he was mad was because you didn't tell him, but he shouldn't get mad because they are being loud, that's how a famiy is! Since he was an only child, he's probably use to just a quiet family, but he needs to learn that it's not like that with you in your life, and if he wants to be a part of it, he's going to have to adapt. It almost sounds like he isn't ready to move on with his life and isn't ready for this, I mean, was he just planning to live with his parents for the rest of his life? And you, you are the responsible and down to earth one, you know how REAL life is. He doesn't because he's never been out there. I would sit him down and ask him before he says anything that he's not allowed to raise his voice, and then talk to him about this. Tell him that you love him but these little things he gets so upset about are eating the relationship away, and that you are listening to his side but it can't be like that all the time, because that's just life. Kids make messes, cats jump on the table sometimes, and kids can eat PB&Js for lunch! If he can't accept that, then he can't accept you. I know you love him, but don't sell yourself short, you got this(:

PS: Hope you guys were safe when Fay hit. I know how Florida can get smashed with those storms. Best wishes to you and your family.

Update: Oh that's good, I moved from there so all my friends were filling me in. I remember when Hurricane Charley hit, it was pretty bad. Right on my birthday too, lol.