How do I talk to my new girlfriend about my ex-wife?

Question

Hey all. Here's the deal. I'm a 24 year old guy and a divorcee. The woman I married I met in college at 19, and we were together for 5 years. That relationship wasn't easy. We had a lot of fights over the years, broke up once, and had trouble. When the time came for a big move across country, we decided that it might be good to get married. Things were good in the period leading up to the marriage, but rocky after we finally tied the knot. In January of this year, I came home to the apartment after work and found everything gone. She cleaned the place out, emptied our bank account, and later I found out she secretly got a loan from her parents to buy a car and rent a place of her own, all behind my back.

We agreed to the divorce this spring, and it will be "final" in October. Here's my problem, I met someone really great this month. She's sweet and honest, not secretive like my ex. Ironically, I find myself being somewhat secretive now. I've been with this new person for about a month, but I haven't brought up the marriage specifically. She knows that I had a long-term relationship, and believe me guys, I'm over the ex after the way she left, but I'm scared to talk about being divorced. I feel somehow ashamed of being so young and divorced. The worst part is I know this is holding me back in my current relationship. We've nearly had s*x, but I held back, largely because I don't think I could do that without telling her first. She deserves that much. She also wants to take it to the next level, as do I, but this is standing there as a big issue I need to tackle.

My question is basically this. How would you talk to her about this? I think the "I was young and naive" thing only goes so far. I'm so worried about, because I don't want to lose this new girl over something that is basically over. How would you all approach it?

Answer 1

This is not a rare situation. When I met my husband, we had both been seperated from our ex's for about 2 years and were barely going through the divorces. It happens. Just be honest. If you dont tell her you are already starting off the relationship wrong. If she is sincere and special to you, I am sure she will understand.  

Answer 2

No matter how difficult it may be, be completely honest with her. Start out by telling her how special you think she is, and you've enjoyed the time that you've shared together, and let her know that you hop she understands about everything that you are going to tell her. Tell her just like yu told us. Tell her that you feel embarrassed and ashamed that your marriage failed, but you've moved on and that part of your life is behind you. If she really is interested in you, and it sounds like she is, she'll understand and commend you on being honest with her.  But, you need to tell her soon. You don't want her to find out from someone else, and think that you are a liar because technically you are still married until the divorce is final.  Be open with her about everything,

Answer 3

You are rushing things.  You just met this new gal.  Give it a few months before you get into heavier things like your divorce.  In the meantime, see a therapist to talk out your feelings about the divorce.  If you use your new gal as your therapist you will likely ruin your relationship with her.

Answer 4

Just tell her that you need to talk to her about something. I would just invite her over for dinner or something. Tell her that you really enjoy being around her and you get the same vibe from her as well. Tell her that you have enough respect for her to share this info. with her . Also tell her that it's important that she know the situation before she decides or agrees to continue spending time with you. I would start by saying that your long term relationship was a little more that you insinuated, and that it was actually a marriage. Explain how you were so young and even tell her how it ended. That way she can see that it really is over between you and your ex. Also tell her that you really want to continue seeing her and you hope that this part of your past does not affect her feeling toward you. I think that she will be overwhelmed by your honesty and there is nothing more important and meaningful than a man that willing to "man up". I think you two will be just fine.