How do I talk to the kids when they fight?

Question

In the after school program I work in, physical fights occassionally come up. Normally, it is the result of one kid being pushed too far by the teasing of his friends (and brother). I have a hard time telling him to walk away from the situation when I know that I was exactly the same way as a kid. The others were making fun of him today, and he ended up punching a kid in the head. I know it is just the result of him feeling left out, picked on, and inadequate to his friends. What should I say? I want to comfort and help him, but he still needs to know that hitting is wrong.

Answer 1

It appears to me that you are talking to the victim instead of confronting the "Bully".  

You need to learn how to deal with bullying.   Punishing the bully doesan't work.  It gives him the opportunity to show others how "tough" he is.  

Talk to the bully in private.  

1.  Stay calm.

2.  Don’t bully or hit your child - it will make the situation worse.

3.  Try to find out why your child is behaving this way.

4.  Explain that bullying is wrong and try to get the child to understand what it’s like for the victim.

5.  Talk about how the child might stop bullying and show him em how to get along with others without bullying.

6.  Praise your child when he/she interacts appropriately with others.

7.  Set realistic, firm guidelines to help your child control behaviour.

8.  Talk with a teacher, guidance counsellor or principal at the  child’s school.

9.  Model non-violent behaviour.  

10.  If the situation is serious, enlist the help of a counsellor or psychologist.

Good Luck!

Answer 2

You should tell the perps in front of him what they did wrong and don't say anything about what he did wrong.  He needs to have his sense of fair play supported.  THEY were more wrong than he was.

Answer 3

I would just send him to the Principal's office and have the principal call his parents. Obviously, talking to this kid is not helping. Why haven't you call his parents? Who else is witnessing this, is there any other grown-up around? Geez, do something, you are responsible for the well being of other kids.

Answer 4

A time out of some sort  (no matter what age) and a hankshake and apology would be in order- then have all the kids involved sit and talk one by one about what their perception of the situation is and how they think they could have solved it in another way.  As a leader- ask the kids how their actions made them feel as the hitter and the receiver...Talking is usually hard at the beginning, but gets easier the more opportunities that may come up- not just the bad stuff.  Get them when they all are getting along and work on those feelings, too.

Answer 5

He needs to know that if he lets people push his buttons and reacts like he is acting, he will kept emotionally dysfunctional his whole life. Words are just that - words. He is feeding his friends by reacting to what they know he is sensitive about. He needs to THINK about WHY they are doing this to him. They like seeing him lose control and go nuts. It is a power they feel they have over him and as it stands right now, they do have power over him. If he could see that and just laugh at them when they are goading him, all the fun they have is taken away. I know I have had my feelings hurt especially by this man I was living with. He knew where I was sensitive and I finally realized what he was doing. He kept me cowed down and insecure until I decided to change the rules of his game. I did not ever let him see he could hurt me with words again. It also cleared my head to be one step ahead of him and turn it back on him. It was the best feeling I ever had when he no longer had the power to hurt me with his words. It might have smarted, but I just never let him know and he started leaving me alone. Good luck and I hope this has helped some.

Answer 6

Firstly, with the whole entire after school children I would implement a lesson on bullying. Get the families and children involved. Be very graphic, show videos, hand out pamphlets on the topic of bullying -children know that it is wrong however, they really don't realize the outcome it has...which is due to maturity. I had a similar problem in my after school program and that's what i did. The parents of the child who was bullied really were thankful because their child could have been killed a couple of years before. Then secondly, I would talk to the parents and supervisor of the afterschool regarding the physical fight that occured.