How do I teach my daughter respect?

Question

About 10 years ago I divorced my first wife. We had two chidlren that were 4 and 8 at the time(both girls). I got full custody since their mother travels. A year later, I married my second wife and we've been happy together. We have had 5 children together and she is pregnat with baby #8.

Anyway, my second oldest has recently been acting out toards her step-mother. I don't expect her to love her, even though she has told me she has loved my wife in the past without me even bringing up the subject, but I do want her to respect her. Just the other night my daughter came home an hour past cerfew. My wife was talking to her calmly as she could and explained that she was grounded. My daughter(whom is 16) yelled "Your not my mom and you never will be!" and ran up to her room and slammed the door. This has happened many times, for different reasons.

Again, I don't expect her to love her, but to give her respect. I've tried talking to her and she said "I am not listening to her, she(c)

Answer 1

To be honest, I think she's using the "not my mom" argument as an excuse to disobey "authority." She was understandably upset when she was grounded, and that gave her something "legitimate" to argue back with- most kids would just have "that's so unfair" but by making the claim your daughter did, it both shifted the focus to something other than her breaking the rules and perhaps elicited sympathy for her situation from you and your wife. In short,  she's smart and she's using her situation to her advantage.

I suggest simply sitting down with her and explaining just what you have said- she doesn't need to love your wife but you DO expect her to respect her. Tell her it is not an option; she needs to listen to your wife because your wife is an adult (whom her parent has given authority to), and your daughter is underage and living in your house. Biological relations are of secondary importance. Let her know that if she continues to disrespect/disobey your wife, she'll be punished- grounding, taking away privalges, whatever it is that you use.

She's already 16 (and by the way, her actions are very normal and expected for a girl her age), and if you aren't firm now I guarantee that this problem will only get worse. Good luck.

Answer 2

first of all, she's 16. And second, I was a step mother to a 15 year old myself, and it's very difficult. But she is old enough to know that the house she is living in is yours, and she has to respect her whether she likes it or not. you and step mom should sit down together with her and talk. It's not as if you married this woman yesterday, and just said surprise you have a new mom. She definately needs discipline, and I think you should make it clear the first time. There will be no room for disrespect! You should also fully support your wife when she tries to discipline her because it sounds to me that she is being fair to your daughter. You just remind your daughter what her step mother does for her on a daily basis. She cooks, cleans, or goes to work, or makes sure the kids are taken care of. She doesn't deserve that kind of treatment from an ungrateful 16 year old! Her step mother doesn't have to be here, but she chooses to because she loves us!

Answer 3

shes 16, shes probably just going through this phase, and she probably misses her real mother

you should probably talk to her about it, about her mom

Answer 4

A mom is not something biological. it's not the person who has the kid. It's the person who TAKES CARE of the child, as if it where her own, and makes sure it has a positive upbringing until it is grown enough to go out on it's own.

If she is disrespecting your wife, she is disrespecting you, and that cannot be tolerated. You should sit down and ask her to write a letter to your wife, and your wife should write a letter to her. Afterwards the can talk, and perhaps work it out.

Answer 5

First, I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. I remember 16, and let's just say, the emotional roller coaster is wicked. I felt like my mom hated me, she was totally against me, etc. I spent about two or three days a week crying.

That having been said, it might benefit your daughter to spend some special private time with her every week, if possible. Is there something you all enjoy doing together that you could do side by side? This might encourage her to speak her mind. (Keep in mind, I'm sure you ARE listening to her; it's just that teenage girls can be rather dramatic; it's all the hormones. and yes, I was a teenage girl ....)

Also wanted to share another suggestion ... This same type of thing happened with my son, who was seven at the time. (I realize that's nowhere near the same age, but the advice still may hold.)

He was rude, abusive (hitting), and just totally out of control. We did some family counseling, and learned how to control his and our behavior for better results. It turned out he also had ADHD, which we totally missed. His behavior has improved, but it took several months.

You may also consider some classes for your daughter, maybe something like "How to integrate your step-family," or "dealing with the step family." They may be offered through your local medical clinic or community center, or you could inquire through your medical insurance. There may be classes for you and your wife too.

Also, you may also inquire at your work place for suggestions. For example, Home Depot has a CARE program, which has people on call 24/7, who can offer referrals and advice on many topics, including parenting problems.

As to the "you're not my mom" thing, well, my response would be, "Well, yes, that's true. But I am one of the people who loves you, and is responsible for you, and no matter how you treat me, I'm not leaving, so let's figure out a way we can get along."

When my son was having problems, he knew we loved him, no matter what, and would stay with him, no matter what. I'm sure your daughter knows that, but she may need a reminder, like a card with a note inside left on her pillow, or at her place at the table, or if she doesn't eat or sleep, you could write her name on the envelope, and leave it on the toliet.

Also, does your daughter have any special interests, like sports, knitting, or drama? You may consider taking a special interest in those activties. It could be as little as saying, "hey, great job knitting that afghan. that looks really hard! Can you show me how to do it?" to attending an event just to watch her. (She may really get a kick out of you fumbling with the knitting needles, for example, and that may make it easier to talk. Not that you would fumble with the knitting needles; it's just an example.)

I know this has to be really hard for you, especially with all your other responsiblities. However, I'm sure you have a wonderful family, and I'm sure this will work out (and no, my nickname is not pollyanna sunshine! ::)

Good luck, and I hope this helps.

Have a good day, and don't forget to eat chocolate, or however you soothe yourself. by the way, that's something you may want to consider too. Do something fun just for you every day!! I crochet.

You might also consider doing something new and fun with your daughter (ignoring the rolled eyes, of course), like tag, water squirt gun fights, a trip to the local water slides, minature golf, water boats (where you ride in a boat, and squirt each other with water --- a good, safe way to vent aggression), hiking, or rock climbing.

And don't forget to spend time with your wife (although I'm sure you've got that covered. Smiley face.)  Just ten minutes of private coversation does wonders, or just a hug to let her know you're still thinking of her, or a silly card on her pillow.

You might also look for advice on parenting web sites, like parent.com, parenting.com, or the American Association of Pedatrics (don't know their web site)

OK, sorry for the rambling. I'm really done now.

Good luck!

Answer 6

She probably feels upset about her mom not being around.

Right now, a lot of girls have either bought or are going to buy Prom Dresses with their moms and sure, your daughter has known your wife for 12 years, but think about it. She wishes her biological mom were there to help her pick out a dress.

She's going through a rough time right now, but that doesn't give her the right to be rude. Sit her down and talk, calmly to her. Maybe take her out to lunch to talk, just the two of you. Explain to her you love her a lot, but you wish she would treat her step-mom with respect. Tell her you know this isn't her mom, but she is an adult that needs to be respected.

Good luck!

Answer 7

Respect comes from respecting and listening to your children.It sounds like you guys love kids, but mabey she is just overwhelmed and needing someone to sit down and just listen to her. when you are part of a large family it is a blessing, but it is very easy to get lost in the shuffle.

Answer 8

Go your daughter!

Not that I go out past curfew, seeing it I'm just a nerd who studies all the time, but she's absolutely right; you're replacement wife and your replacement kids are not related to her, she just got stuck with parents who couldn't get along. It would be one thing if she was rebelling against you; true you don't have the best track record, but nevertheless you're still her father. But she was "acting up" against your second wife, not her parent.

As not a parent, she should know not to push the envelop, cause your daughter has the power to cut her off. She could call up the DA and see if she can start living with her real mom, and wife #2 will really have no power over she. Plus, she has her own children, so it's not like she needs to play mommy. She needs to realize that as replacement wife, she has her own children, and has no business grounding someone who is not her kid; you should be the one to ground her, beat her, do whatever punishment you see fit.

And that's to me talking, that's how the law looks at it.