How do I tell a bridesmaid she's not in the wedding anymore?

Question

So, my friend I have known forever was going to be my maid of honor. When I first got engaged I decided it would be alot of fun to go to a Bridal day that was in the bordering state. So me and her planned for months to go to it. The day of the expo. came about and i took off driving (after i drove 90 miles to get to where she was) she decided, she didn't feel like going.! Ugg i was soooo mad! Luckly my other friend was with her and she decided she would go with me instead. That day, I decided she'd be my maid of honor and i'd keep the unreliable friend as a bridesmaid. So now, 3 months before the wedding we decided to go pick out bridesmaid dresses. I made plans and let my MOH and "unreliable bridesmaid" know 3 weeks ahead of time.Well, today, (the day before the shopping) my "unreliable friend" says she can only be there for a half an hour!!!! Becasue she and her boyfriend are going to work a double shift together.....(yesterday she called off to go to the movies, but something we've planned for 3 weeks!!! she didn't even ask to get off)

How do i let her know she's not in the wedding anymore???? Im stressed as can be and i dont need this!!!!

Answer 1

write her a little note about how you really feel ...

Dear unreliable friend ...

you don't attach as much value to this wedding as i do which i don't understand because i am having a bridezilla moment. this is all about me me me and you don't seem to get that, don't you get it? this is all about me. your world needs to be revolving around me because I AM getting married and you should be doing everything to make me feel more important. you don't need to do your job, you need to wait on me hand and foot because i am the one getting married here.

sincerely.. the selfish bride x*x

EDIT - now, now calm down it doesn't take more then half and hour to pick up a dress now does it? ;)

Answer 2

Mia must not be getting married but must be having fun being rude to anyone and everyone who is...

I get what you are saying. When you constantly make plans with someone and then break them (especially after that person has gone out of their way to come get you or something) then you become less of a friend.

If you no longer want her in the wedding then kick her out. But I would just wait until she left and pick her dress out for her. Then give her an absolute deadline to pay for it. Unless you find a dress while she is there for that 30 minutes.

Answer 3

I agree with the solution proposed by many of the other posters, but with a bit of a different reason.

Nobody ever takes well to "I don't need this kind of stress from you" kinds of statements.  That pushes hot buttons for just about everyone.

And saying she isn't taking it seriously can end up sounding judgemental.

Better to keep it simple and just state facts.  Because she hasn't been able to meet the requirements to be in the wedding party, it appears obvious that she has too much else going on in her life right now and you understand that she can't take on the additional commitment of being in the wedding party.  Thank her for her original acceptance and state that you will find someone else whose life isn't quite as busy right now.

Answer 4

I would tell her what you just said.  

Answer 5

Give her the specific time and date to be there, if she says she can't make it, tell her you are unable to do it another time and will have to find someone else if she can't make it.   This puts the ball in her court and puts it on her to make the deciding decision of getting there or not.

Answer 6

I would send it in writing stating that although you still want to be friends you understand with her busy schedule that she cannot fulfill her obligations as a bridesmaid. That way you nicely put it on her.

Answer 7

Mia is OBVIOUSLY not from this planet.  It took my one bridesmaid and maid of honor over 2 hours to try on dresses.

Just tell the unreliable friend straight that she's no longer in the wedding.  Repeat your last line in your post to her..."Im stressed as can be and i dont need this!!!!"  If she questions why, then just remind her of the times she left you hanging.  

This exact thing happened to my sister-in-law.  She asked a friend to be in the wedding and they set dates for choosing a dress well in advance.  When she didn't show, my sil called and left several messages, which were never returned.  She tried a few days later, and left more messages, but still return calls.  My sil gave up and called me.  I jumped in and went to every fitting and every store with her.  I even offered to pay for the dress, which they had already chosen.  Her father told me in no uncertain terms that HE was paying for my dress, the alterations and my shoes since I had jumped in at the last minute.

My sil then called the girl and left a message that she was no longer in the wedding and had been replaced by someone she could trust and count on.  Finally, just 3 weeks before the wedding, the girl finally called, crying and begging my sil to let her back into the wedding, saying she was sorry and was stressed out over everything.  My sil told her there was no way she was going to be in the wedding and since she hadn't bothered to even pick up the phone and call, she was not to attend the wedding, either.  They've never spoken since then.

Answer 8

print this out and give it to her.  explain to her that you will not have

your big day ruined  worrying if she will or if she won't. tell her you

still love her as a friend and she is welcome to come as a guest.

but that you must know your bridal party will all show up on time and

in person.

she will probably be upset, but remind her of all the times

she has upset you with her unreliability.

Answer 9

Your tell her straight, its your big day and you dont want anything to ruin it!!!

Congratulations on your wedding!!!

Answer 10

Just tell her flat out! Like you said you have enough stress on your hands and your MOH and BM's should be the last ones to be adding to it!

I'm planning my wedding right now to and just had to drop my sister. She decided she was to busy to show up for the dress fitting. If  she is unreliable now what will she be on the day of your wedding. This is your special day remember that!!!  

If you decide to send her a letter send her a copy of the ettiquette for the MH then she has no reason to be surprised!!  

Answer 11

That's rough, but unfortunately it's what you have to do. It's your wedding and you can't have this stress on you. My best friend had the same issue...our "unreliable" friend kept making excuses as to why she couldn't be there and always being late when she was there and leave early (I was there from beginning to end and I'm the one with 2 kids!!!)...so what she did was talk to her and explain to her that she needed someone that was going to be there for her no matter what. With no excuses, and told her that she's no longer a bridesmaid, but is still more than welcome to come to the wedding. Needless to say, the "unreliable" friend, didn't go.

I think you should either talk to her or write her a letter...however you feel better about expressing yourself. It's a tough spot to be in, but believe me, you'll feel better once she's out.

Good luck! =)

Answer 12

i agree with hu_yana. it doesn't sound like she's being very supportive in helping. she may be fine with just being a guest

Answer 13

just say that you've cancelled finding the dresses tomorrow

then avoid her until about a week before the wedding

send an invite to the wedding in the post

and then avoid her again until you see her at the wedding

and say oh sorry, i couldnt contact you! i've been trying for ages.

xo

Answer 14

I would just tell her that you are getting married and have a lot on your plate. Tell her you don't have time to babysit right now and if it was important to her she would just be there for you.  

Answer 15

uhm, thats kind of bitchy of you to just decided the "unreliable friend" she cant be the maid of honor considering she has been thinking all this time that she will be, you should have told her a LONG time ago.

and now, your going to have to deal with it!

Answer 16

if you never want anything to do with this woman, scream at her.  let off a little steam.  on the other hand if you plan to remain friendly, calmly tell ask what day she's busy three months from now?  even if she answers "I don't know"  you answer, very calmly, "that's when we're having the wedding".  what's the big deal???  just call her up and tell her you'd rather she didn't attend the wedding.  BTW  i think she's very reliable in the sense that you can count on her not keeping commitments.

Answer 17

Wow, she said she'd only be able to be there for HALF AN HOUR? And Mia, yes, it takes WAY more than half an hour to pick out a dress. You have OBVIOUSLY never been a bride or a bride's maid before.

Anyway, handling your friend. Sit her down very calmly and tell her everything she's done that's gotten her booted out. Tell her she'll still be invited, but you don't feel that she's taking the job of being a bride's maid seriously enough, and that if going to a movie is more important than being there for you where your big day is concerned, and that just deciding at the last minute to not go to an event she'd been planning for three months to go with you to, or for three weeks, or whatever amount of time, is completely unacceptable.

If she actually values your friendship and the important job of being a bridesmaid, she'll wake up and grow up. If she throws a fit about it, then it's not worth the headache when planning a wedding is so stressful, anyway.

Congrats, and good luck!

Answer 18

calmly tell her why, and tell her its for the better..

Congrats!