How do I tell her no because I dont like her husband?

Question

Im 21 weeks pregnant with my 5th. Ive always wanted to have a baby for some special family who cant. I have no regrets in life and love ALL my babies very much. My babies have all they need maybe not all they want but definaitlly all they need. If i go through this I would want this baby to have all he/she wants and needs. Heres the thing we have some friends that medically cant have kids. So my husband and I considered them to be our childs parents. One small thing though, I cant stand her husband. He is late 30's unemployed again, controlling towards her, and has a very short fuse. He will get mad at the smallest things and walk out of a job and has no problems letting her support him while he sits at home on his butt watching TV. He has had 8 jobs since 2007 all of which he walked out on. If I do chose to give my baby for adoption I want him/her to have a better life then we can provide. So any suggestions on how I can tell her No because I dont like her husband?? Thank you every1

Answer 1

For a legal adoption, it may be required in your state that the parents undergo what's known as a "home study."  If that is the case, they would never get an agreement to allow them to adopt.

I think the only thing you can tell her is that, to assure legality, you want to go through an established agency.  Go to the agency, tell them your situation, and tell them that you want this couple to be reviewed for the adoption process.

You have more issues at stake here than "not liking" her husband.  He sounds like a disaster and your child could be abused.  Tell her that your number one goal for your child is to have a loving, stable home and that you want for a third, independent party to help you make this decision.  

Then run, don't walk, to an adoption agency (not just an adoption attorney, but a real agency like Edna Gladney).  There are many, many wonderful couples without these issues who would jump through the hoops of h**l to have your baby.

Answer 2

that's the whole thing with being a birth mother who gets to chose, you can say no because you don't like someone. If you were at an agency, you would look at photo's of couples wishing to adopt and probably have interviews with them. One of them would stand out as the one you want. The others, you may have like one member of the couple better than the other. Sounds like you have not met the adoptive family for your baby yet. Also, giving the baby to someone that you a lot of close contact with is going to cause you some problems as they will be new parents and do things you won't like.  Good luck and pray about it. You will find the right one

Answer 3

This is a huge decision and I commend you on wanting to do something so selfless for another couple who is less fortunate.  My husband and myself are trying to adopt a baby and the last thing we would ever want is for an adopted child to end up with an unhappy family relationship.  All children deserve so much more than that.  Material things are nothing compared to the love and support that parents must teach to their children.  If you surrendered your child to this couple you bothwould be risking his/or her future happiness and health.  This man sounds unstable and as noble as his wife is for sticking by her husband, your child should not have to suffer because this man can't hold his own.  I sincerely hope you consider another family for this child and I think the best way to say no to her is to be honest about your reasons.  Tell her as much as you respect her and see her as a wonderful potential parent you cannot say the same for her husband, list your reasons as to why and explain to her that your baby deserves both a loving and stable home.  Best of luck

Answer 4

First of all we are very much  am interested for adoption.

It is really hard to break a heart but you have to make sure for a brighter future for a child. Obviously, this is not a good environment for a child to see when she/he grows up. Be honest.

Answer 5

you have 4 kids and are carrying a 5th.  You know like any mother how much love you have for all your kids, do you really think that you could go through 9 months of getting to know your baby and your baby knowing you just to give it up?

i know your stuck in a bind but have you talked about this with your other children to see how they would feel about having their brother or sister given to another family?  This isn't a decision you can make alone, it has to be a mutual family decision.  Your intension are good and you must have a big heart to even think such a thing but honestly ask yourself if you could realistically give away one of your kids.

I might sound like  I a rambling but i speak from experience.  I too was once in your shoes and i did give my daughter up for adoption yet i didn't give her brother up.  That decision has haunted me everyday because she was my only daughter. i often wish i could go back and do it differently and i regret it all the time.

Good Luck in whatever decision you make.

Answer 6

Have you already told her you would give the baby to her?  If not, then don't say anything.  If you have already told her you would let her adopt your baby, tell her that while you think she would be a terrific mom, you are not comfortable having the baby raised by her husband and so you are not going to let her adopt the baby.  It is your responsibility to give your baby to someone who is going to be able to give him or her a better life than you can give the baby, so why would you give the baby to someone you know isn't able to give him/her that better life?  If she doesn't understand, then that is her problem not yours.  Do what is right for the baby.  I was married to a guy like that, believe me, the baby will not have a good life living with them.  

P.S.  Now that I am divorced, I am adopting a baby on my own, and believe me, he is much better off with me being a single mother than he would have been when I was married to that jerk.

Answer 7

Wow this is hard even more if this lady is a good friend. Have you even talked to this couple about giving them a baby?  Frankly you have nothing to be ashamed of I wouldn’t want a child placed in a household where from what you reveal the husband is controlling and has a short fuse. That could be disastrous for a child he’d probably have no patience for a crying or screaming child.  That is never a good scenario look at baby’s who are shaken typical it’s because the parent or caregiver didn’t have patience.  If you have talked to your friend about this. I’d be honest tell her you don’t think her husband would be the best father to the baby. It can be hard but ask her to really look at her husband and if she would want to place a child with a man similar to him, its possible she could be blind to his behavior that’s often the case.

Answer 8

that is really hard.. specially if she is a good friend.. but a way to best break it to her ..is saying to go through a adoption agency .. and they have to get evaluated.. if her husband really wants the baby then he will need to shape up and be ready for reality .. if not then ... is really up to the adoption agency.. they are going to want a family who has both wrking parents..and being able to supporta  child.. not some1 who walks out of jobs..so then is he going to walk out on them too.. when the baby cries ..etc? make her see all she might be too blind on her own to see or accept.. good luck and god bless!

Answer 9

First of all, I'm sorry you are in such a bad position. And my advice is probably not going to be well liked, but here it is.  You just have to suck it up and do it.  You can try to be as polite as you can, but either way it will probably make her mad.  But you know that's not a good environment as well as I do...look at it this way, do you want what is best for your child or do you want to keep a friend.

Answer 10

You have already answered your own question.  You want the child to be placed in a stable, safe, loving home.  Your friend's home is not the place for the child.

Answer 11

Unless she brings it up then it should not be an issue...Don't you bring it up. If she does bring it up you don't have to tell her you hate her husband but you can tell her it would be to hard on you and that your sorry...Short and sweet..Good Luck

Answer 12

I agree, I think if you've already made it work for four kids, you can do it!!!!

It sounds like you have a very loving home life and adoption is an excruciating thing to put youself and your family through for no reason. (Or a very minor reason)

Your other children might start getting afraid that if times are tough you'll give them away too. Children are very perceptive. Your child that is given away may feel copmletely devastated to know that you did everything in your power to keep your family together for four children, but gave up on them.

I know it's not the glamorous picture of adoption that adoption workers and adoptive parents will always tell you, but it's realisitically the kinds of things you'll be facing later on down the road.

Don't let the ooey goooey adoption slogans about how it's such a "loving thing" cloud your perception of the fact that your child needs YOU and it really sounds like you can do this.

I have lived it as an adopted person and a person who made the mistake of listening to all the adoption propaganda and placed a child, when it wasn't absolutely necessary.

If there is any way you can keep, then I really hope you will consider the great value in that!! And if you truly feel that you would neglect this child, the child would not be fed, you would not want to hug the child or love the child... etc etc...

then you have to do what you have to do. And I wish you luck living with the after math of that.

(I think you will just love your new little bundle to pieces though and I wouldn't in a million years wish you to loose that precious baby!)

Answer 13

I'd flat out say NO, because what your child "needs" is his/her mother, father and siblings. PLEASE research separation trauma and the effects of loss of mother on an infant here:

http://lizardchronicles.blogspot.com

its not about "giving" a child to a couple who can't have one, make it ABOUT THE CHILD.

PLEASE.

Answer 14

go with your heart. If he isnt right for the baby then its no. end of story. best of luck

Answer 15

From what you have described, he is clearly NOT someone I would ever think of giving a child to. The child's safety and quality of life come BEFORE anyone's desire to be a parent.

I gave my first child up for adoption 15 yrs ago. When I was pregnant, my sister wanted to adopt my baby. It's one thing to have to tell a friend "No."...but imagine telling your own sister, "No!" She didn't speak to me for 5 yrs. But you know what, I made the right decision. I love my sister, but she could not give my child what I wanted for my child. My sister smoked, drank, did drugs, and went through husbands and men like crazy. I had no doubt my sister would love my baby, but she was not the right parent.

Honestly, what you tell her is up to you. You can simply say, "We've carefully considered this and have decided we cannot do this at this time." She might beg and plead or become angry, but you're talking about the life of an innocent child. Hold your ground and be firm. Chances are, she doesn't need you to tell her that her husband is an angry loser. I suspect that she wants a baby because she hates her husband and feels that a baby will bring her everything she is missing in her marriage.

You may lose a friend...but that's nothing compared to placing a child into a bad home.

Answer 16

Please don't give your baby to anyone.  A baby does not know it's a seperate entity from it's mother intil much later and it is very distressing for an infant to be separated from it's mother with whom it has already bonded during the 9 months gestation

No decision should ever be set in stone prior to the baby being born.  When you have the little babe in your arms, everything can change

Most of all remember this is YOUR baby and you are not obligated in any way to ANYONE and you certainly never owe your baby to anyone.  The coercive tactics used in private adoptions these days are just apalling.  People want your baby and will do what is best for THEM whilst claiming to do what is in the best interests of the child - it's all a load of bollocks and at the end of the day, that baby wants Mommy - there is no substitute.

Answer 17

I wouldn't say that you are saying no because you don't "like" him.  But you are trying to provide the best environment for your child to grow up in.  That doesn't sound like the stable, loving home you had in mind.

Also, have you considered how hard it may be on you by giving the child to a couple you know?  Seeing the child, knowing what is going on in his/her life and not having any say in it?

Answer 18

I am sure that she is aware the issues that you have raised about her husband.  Take her out to dinner and explain these concerns to her.  If she cannot understand your feelings...then she wouldn't be a good parent either...Another thought...the fact that she continues to put up with his non-sense should show you that she is an enabler and willing to deal with the foolishness...Find another family or keep the baby...he/she will be better off

Answer 19

Congratulations on such a hard decision!  I commend you especially since I was adopted myself and had a wonderful upbringing.  Your heart is in the right place, but its going to be hard to see a child you gave birth to in a family that you dont feel 100% confident about.  If you dont feel comfortable 100% then just dont do it.  I would think if she is a friend of yours then if you spoke to her alone she may understand and figure it out.  Once they do the homestudy-he may not pass.  I dont know.  Some states are more strict than others so you cant really use that as a guideline.  

You really dont have to say you "dont like him" but could put it in terms of "while I feel you would be a fabulous mother, I really dont think your home would be a good environment for a young child." If pressed you could state some examples and also mention that if they are having difficulty now, what is a crying baby going to do to their relationship, social life and current friends?

Babies are/can be expensive so that is another area that can be touched on.  And what about brothers and sisters?  Having 4 of your own(I had 3 other sisters and brothers) you know how great it is to be part of a big family.  Sure they fight with each other, tattle on one another, etc but most of all they have fun together, love together and stick together.  A single child in a home with a short-fused dad would probably just not be your ideal placement!

Maybe if you have already mentioned it, you can say you got caught up in the moment but after some deep contemplation you changed your mind.  I was in a relationship with a verbally abusive(only at times) husband and am so glad I got out of it.  Of course when anyone told me "You can do better" I would stick up for him.  I did know that I did not want children with him-so smart me!  But after we parted I started all the paperwork etc to adopt and adopted an 11yr(now 14 yr) girl.  

I want a bigger family so we are heading that way again. It's no fun for kids to be an only child!  If you would consider a single mom on a horse ranch then email me.  Or if you would rather a two parent family-I do know of 3 couples that are also  searching.  Best of luck to you and once again a huge hug to you and your husband for being so completely unselfish and wishing a better life for your child.

Sheri  [e-mail]

Answer 20

An adoption process would require a home study. I'm sure if the social worker saw this kind of situation they wouldn't be approved for adoption.  Sometimes people can't have babies for good reasons and this situation is good enough reason not to give your baby to them!  

You may love your friend and hate her husband and that is good enough reason not to give your innocent child into a household that is so unstable.

Answer 21

well the bottom line is that you MUST tell then no.  You can't go against what your gut is telling you. PERIOD.  That will be a decision that you will regret....

How do you tell her no???? My best guess would be to find another couple FIRST... and then you can tell your friend that you feel that you have someone else in mind.... rather than just flat out telling them that you take back your decision.  I feel that the happiness of your child is more important than keeping a friend.

Answer 22

I am the birthmother of two children who i gave up for adoption and i stronly urge you to call an adoption agency and find birthparents that you are more comfortable with.  If you are even slightly concerned about this i urge u to please look for someone else, or else u will have regrets.  I got lucky and found great people but have heard horror stories from other people who were not comfortable with their choice and they turned out to regret their decision as far as the adoptive parents.  All the agencies have people who can not have children of their own, so you have plenty of people to choose from plus the agencies help you financially, and emotionally and they help you to find the right fit.  If you dont want to tell this to the woman herself, the adoption agency will do it for you.  PLEASE, i urge u to be carefull of your decisions and to ALWAYS listen to that inner voice, thats your mothers intuition speaking to you.

Answer 23

If you can provide for four children you can provide for five.

The world is full of people who have been raised not having everything they want.

Answer 24

This is your child's life that you are talking about.  Forget about not hurting someone's feelings.  You need to step up to the plate and tell this couple that you don't feel good about placing your child in a home that is not stable.

Trust me, you will have no problem finding a good stable home for your child.  

God bless you for being so insightful and picky while choosing a home for your child!

Answer 25

All you can do is tell her how you feel and hope she understands.  Did you promise the baby to them or are they just expecting it or what?  Just be honest with her, that is all you can do really.

good luck!

Answer 26

be honest.

tell her exactly how u feel ab't her husband and that u wanna have best for ur baby.

may be she'll be mad but may be she'll realise u r right and try to change him or leave him.

Answer 27

You need to be comfortable with the mom and dad. We are debating adoption or going through a whole lot of fertility stuff in hopes of having a son of our own. So, with that said, please remember there are a lot of other parents who need and want a baby as much as you want your baby to have all she needs/wants. I know if we opt to adopt, we want a full and open adoption. I think what you are trying to do is amazing, but you cant place your child knowing you could be placing him/her in harms reach. Maybe you can tell your friend that you and your husband have decided on another family and go from there. She will come around. Besides, you can always say it would hurt you too much to see your child often knowing you cant have him back????

Answer 28

Have you considered the child in any of this or do you just live in la la land?   I think you need counseling before you do anything.

Answer 29

You can just let her know that due to the fact that her husband hasn't been able to keep a steady job, you really do not think that he is the father that you want for your baby.

If you have to tell her anything...if you haven't talked with them about being "looked at" to adopt your baby you really do not need to tell her anything.

Good Luck

And may I say, I really admire you for what you are doing...finding a family that cannot have children and giving them the dream they never thought would come true.

We wouldn't have our two beautiful children if their two birthmothers didn't give us our precious blessings!

Answer 30

I don't know if you are considering some other couple you know as the ones you want to adopt your child or not but, if you aren't then I think the best thing to tell these friends is that you want the people who adopt your child to be strangers to you, and not people you already know. Obviously this won't work if this couple knows the people or knows you know the people who will be adopting your child. However, I feel really strongly that for all parties involved in the adoption process -- it is better for everyone to use an agency or a private adoption and a lawyer and find a couple who want a baby but now someone you already know. I think it would be very hard for everyone to have the child be raised by their adoptive parents while their biological parents get to look on adoringly or longingly or furiously or jealously or pleadingly or judgingly (all at different moments along with thousands of other very real feelings) and not be able to have any say or control. I believe in open adoption but, the terms need to be very clearly defined and agreed on. If the people already have whatever relationship they have, it would be very hard to put strict boundaries on how the child is to be treated by each. So that's the answer I would give this couple and that's how I would say to give a baby up for adoption. Also, as an adoptive mother myself there is something I think all potential adoptive parents need to know and that is that the baby is not theirs until the birthparents give them the child. If you decide to give your child up for adoption it has to be because you want to give your child up and NOT because you want to do a favor for an infertile couple. If you want to do a favor for an infertile couple, consider donating your eggs and/or sperm to an infertility clinic. Or make a financial donation to an agency or orphanage. If you think you may be doing this FOR the infertile couple, you may very well be disappointed because they may not turn out to be as perfect as you imagine. Ultimately, this couple has no right to "expect" your child and you owe them no real explanation at all. It is your baby and you may keep it if you choose or give it up for adoption to whom you choose for what you think are the right reasons and owe no one an explanation of why "they" didn't get your baby. Good luck; I'm sure you're going through a difficult time.

Answer 31

Just tell her "no".  This is your child - you do not owe anyone explanations for your decisions about your child.  You have 4 children so I am sure that you have experience saying "no".  LOL!  I am sorry for your friends, but no one owes them a child because they feel sorry for them.

Do you really feel this family is fit to raise your child?  What kind of life would he/she have with a deadbeat father?  This snap decision out of "kindness" for someone who you don't even respect tells me that you and your husband have not really thought this adoption thing through.  I suggest that you talk to a counselor who does not work for an adoption agency to rethink this decision.